4 Months

Yesterday, 3.21.12, was Bo's 4 month Angelversary.

I had been thinking about it coming up, but I didn't even realize it when the day got here.

I have to say, it is getting easier.  I guess that means I am healing.  Not forgetting.  But, learning to live this new life.

I still hurt.  Some days it still seems unbearable.  Other days, I am fine.  I know where Bo is, and I know I will see him again someday.

Yesterday, I received my ribbon from Gianna's Light.

The ribbon is so beautiful! <3

Then, today I got my bear from Project B.E.A.R.

It is so soft and cuddly! <3

I am happy to have gotten both of the items.  The items that I have gotten so far are really helping me to heal.  And, I am also happy to be healing.

I will never forget my baby.  I will always remember and honor his life.  My heart will always have a piece that is missing.  That is, until I get to Heaven with my baby.

Baby Dust by Deanna Roy

The other day, Wednesday, to be exact, I bought six books from Amazon.com.  Four of the books are related to miscarriages & pregnancy loss, and the other two are about pregnancy for first-time moms.  I figured these books would help me the most right now.  (While I will not be a first-time mom when I get pregnant again, most things that happen will be new to me.  I was only pregnant for 12 weeks when I had a miscarriage, so I missed out on the bigger things that happen during a pregnancy.)

Yesterday, I finished reading the book, Baby Dust:  A Novel about Miscarriage and Stillbirth by Deanna Roy.  This book was absolutely amazing.  Incredible.  Beautiful.

As I was reading the book, I kept thinking, "Yep.  That happened to me," or "That is exactly what I thought when I had my miscarriage," or "Wow!  I am not so crazy, after all!"

This book made me realize that no matter what, I did what I had to do to survive during my miscarriage, and that it was okay.  I was okay.  I was not crazy!

So, if you have not read this book, please go check it out.  Right now, in honor of International Women's Day, the eBook version is half-price (only $2.99) and is on sale for 48 hours only (according to A Place for Our Angels - Miscarriage and Stillbirth Memorials).  Even if you cannot buy the book right now, the normal price for the eBook version is only $5.99.

And, if you do not have a Kindle (I do not have one), you can get the Kindle reading app for free for your Computer, Smartphone, or Tablet.  I read books on my computer, then when I am tired of sitting at the computer, I switch to the phone.  That way, I can read while lying in bed, riding the bus, or sitting in a doctor's office.  It is wonderful!

Peace

 

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.  I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. - Jesus, John 14:27 (NIV)

For now I would be lying down in peace; I would be asleep and at rest. - Job 3:13 (NIV)

The God of peace be with you all. Amen. - Romans 15:33 (NIV)


A couple of weeks ago, I went through a horrible emotional and physical battle.  The grief and emotional toil were unbearable.  The pain was so bad, that I started to feel it physically.  I became sick.

After talking to my fiance & crying for around an hour, I felt somewhat better, but I was still physically sick.  And, the emotional pain was still lingering.

I was lying down trying to go to sleep, but the pain would not go away.  I laid there for a while, and I started to pray.  I asked God to comfort me.  To give me His peace so that I could rest.  So that I could deal with everything that was going on.

And, as always, He delivered.  I felt so relaxed & comforted.  I was finally able to go to sleep and get some rest after I received peace from the Lord.

Today, my wish to all my BLM friends is that you receive peace and comfort from the Lord as I have.

God bless each of you!  Love & hugs! <3

R-word: Annual Day of Awareness

This is not a normal topic for this blog, but it is a topic that is special to me.

Today, March 6, is Annual Day of Awareness on R-Word.

If you don't know what this is, please go check out the website.

The R-word is the word retard{ed}.

This word is so negative.  A lot of times people use this word while picking with friends, and they will say it without thinking.  Other times, this word is used in a very mean and derogatory way.  A way that I don't even like to think about.

Because, when I hear this word, I cringe.  It is like nails on a chalk board.  It makes my stomach turn.

My brother was labelled/classified by doctors as mentally retarded. This was back before it was considered such a nasty word.  He did have several disabilities, including intellectual disabilities.  But, he was not retarded.  He was very special and unique.  He did and he still does have a beautiful soul.  Only now, he is in Heaven.  He passed 17 days after his 13th birthday.

So, this has such special meaning to me and my life.  If I hear someone say this word, I automatically respond by telling them why they shouldn't use the R-word.

I took the pledge to not use the R-word.

Will you do the same?

Journal Entry: Grief is exhausting

Grief is exhausting.  Mentally, physically, & emotionally exhausting.  

It is also painful.  Very, very, very (I could go on all day) painful.

It hurts.  And not just a little.  A lot.  A whole lot.

Like deep down in your bones.  All through your muscles.

Straight into the heart.

Where the hole is.  The big hole.  A great big hole.

So big, it feels like I shouldn't have a heart.

Actually, it feels like I shouldn't be here.

I am in that hole.

It is bigger than me.

It consumes me.

Every fiber of my being is consumed by the great big hole.

The hole that is in my heart.

The hole that was left when my baby went to Heaven.

The hole that took the space.  The space in my life where my baby should be.

Bo is & will always be in my heart & life, but not in the way that most moms have their baby.

Instead of celebrating birthdays, holidays, milestones, good grades, etc., I spend time, effort, & money to remember my baby.

To honor his life & cherish the memories I have.

And, now I live with the grief & the pain.

Everyday.

It is there.

Some days are easier than others, but some days I just want to curl up in bed, forget the outside world, & sleep for days.