Friday, March 1, 2013

Journal Entry: Grief is exhausting

Grief is exhausting.  Mentally, physically, & emotionally exhausting.  
It is also painful.  Very, very, very (I could go on all day) painful.
It hurts.  And not just a little.  A lot.  A whole lot.
Like deep down in your bones.  All through your muscles.
Straight into the heart.
Where the hole is.  The big hole.  A great big hole.
So big, it feels like I shouldn't have a heart.
Actually, it feels like I shouldn't be here.
I am in that hole.
It is bigger than me.
It consumes me.
Every fiber of my being is consumed by the great big hole.
The hole that is in my heart.
The hole that was left when my baby went to Heaven.
The hole that took the space.  The space in my life where my baby should be.

Bo is & will always be in my heart & life, but not in the way that most moms have their baby.
Instead of celebrating birthdays, holidays, milestones, good grades, etc., I spend time, effort, & money to remember my baby.
To honor his life & cherish the memories I have.

And, now I live with the grief & the pain.
It is there.
Some days are easier than others, but some days I just want to curl up in bed, forget the outside world, & sleep for days.

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