Day 3: Pregnancy Photo

Day 3:  Pregnancy Photo

June 3, 2013

I love all of my pregnancy photos, but I chose these two to share today!

My pregnancy photos are so important to me because they are the only photos I have of Bo!

They mean so much to me!

I am so happy that I decided to take so many photos of myself while I was pregnant, and if I had known then what I know now, I would have taken even more photos!

You may not be able to see it, but I can clearly remember what I was feeling when these photos were taken!

I was so happy that my baby was growing inside of me!  I was so thrilled to have this miracle to call my own!

I was and am so in love with my baby boy, Bo!

Day 2: Pregnancy Test

Day 2:  Pregnancy Test

June 2, 2013

On 9.30.12, at around 10:30 P.M., I took this pregnancy test.  It immediately showed positive.

I was in shock and awe, but I was so happy!

I was thrilled!

I had my Unexpected Miracle!

I still have my Unexpected Miracle, but now he is also my Guardian Angel!

I love & miss him, daily!

Day 1: Sunrise

June 1, 2013

Day 1:  Sunrise

I did not get to bed until after 2 A.M. this morning, so I was lucky to have briefly woken up to take this picture {then, I went back to bed}!

I am so happy that I did go take this picture, though, even though I was so tired.

This picture reminds me how lucky I am!  I am able to live another day, even though my baby boy is not!

I can live for him & me!

I can live my life to the fullest, since he did not get a chance to!

A boy & A girl - One year

Today has been one year since Justin and I started dating, and we are still going strong!

After all that we have been through.  Everything that could have torn us apart.  Everything that has torn so many relationships apart.

We are still together!

And, we are better than ever!

We are soulmates!

We are better together!

I love you, Justin, more than words can describe!

Happy 1 year anniversary!

June 30 Day Photo Challenge

For the month of June, I have decided to do a 30 day photo challenge.

June 6, 2013 is Bo's EDD.  On this day, I should be welcoming my baby boy into the world, but instead I will be holding a memorial to honor & remember his life and his importance.

The whole reason for the photo challenge is to honor Bo's life.  To show the world that he is important, even if it is only to me!

If anyone would like to join me in doing this photo challenge, you are more than welcome to.  I would be honored to have you complete this with me, so that you can honor/remember your Angel too!

{If you do plan on completing this photo challenge, please let me know by posting a comment.  If you are posting on a blog,
Facebook page, Instagram, Twitter, etc., also leave the link or username, so we can all follow along with your challenge!}

Here is the photo/setup for the challenge:

1. Sunrise:  I am not much of a morning person, but I am going to do my best to get up and watch the sun rise and even capture it in a photo.  {If you are not a morning person, take a picture when you wake up!  Show us how the day looks!  Please add city/state/country to the photo when it is posted!}
2. Pregnancy Test:  This is my only proof that I was pregnant, so it is important for me to show this.  All I have is my pregnancy test and the paperwork from the doctors.  {If you don't have a pregnancy test or paperwork from the doctor, take a photo of something similar that is important!}
3. Pregnancy Photo:  You cannot tell that I am pregnant in my photos, but I remember the changes in my body.  I remember these special memories as Bo grew inside of me, and I tried to capture these moments in photos.  {Share what you are comfortable sharing.  It does not matter if anyone can tell you are pregnant in the photo!}
4. Name/Photo:  I don't have my ultrasound photos, but I love to see Bo's name, so I will be posting some photos of his name! {Again, share what you are comfortable sharing!  If you don't want to share your sonogram, post a photo of your baby's name. - If you do post a photo of your ultrasound picture, I suggest watermarking it before doing so!}
5. Letter to baby:  I am going to write Bo a letter, telling him how much he means to me.  {Write your baby/child a letter!  You don't have to share it, if you don't want to!  You can share a sentence, a paragraph, the whole letter, or none of it at all!}
6. Due Date/Angelversary:  June 6 is Bo's EDD.  On this day, I should be welcoming my baby boy into my arms and into this world, but instead I will be holding his memorial.  {Share your Angel's special dates!}
7. Sacred Space/Shrine:  Bo's has a special corner in our bedroom.  All of his beautiful items that I have to remember him are put here.  {Does your baby/child have a special place in your room/home?  Would you mind sharing it with us?}
8. Signs/Dreams:  Not easy to capture this in a photo, but I will be describing the dreams that I had that were my first indication of me being pregnant.  {Have you ever dreamed of your Angel or received a sign from them?}
9. Poem:  I love to write, so I will be writing Bo a poem.  I may also share one of my favorite poems I have found online!  {What is your favorite poem for your Angel?  Did you write it?}
10. Artwork:  I will be taking photos of the artwork I have done for Bo.  I am not very artistic, but I do love to doodle.  {Have you drawn/colored/doodled anything in memory of your Angel?}
11. Symbol:  I have a couple of special symbols that always remind me of Bo.  {Any symbols remind you of your baby/child?  Angels, stars, butterflies, teddy bears, etc.?}
12. Stuffed Animal:  When I was born, I was given a stuffed animal from my family.  I still have this stuffed animal to this day!  Bo has a couple of stuffed animals already, but he will be receiving another in honor of his EDD.  {Do you have a favorite stuffed animal for your Angel?}
13. Clouds:  So soft, fluffy, and white.  I always thought about playing on the clouds when I was younger, bouncing around and laying on them.  Now, I think about Bo doing the same!  {If you are participating, would you mind taking a picture or some pictures of the clouds where you are?}
14. Night/Moon/Stars:  When I left the hospital after my miscarriage, it was dark and cold.  It made my world feel even darker and colder.  I used to not be able to sleep at night for fear of nightmares.  Now, I try to embrace the night.  It is such a beautiful time, when you can see all the stars or the city lights.  {Do you enjoy the night?  Show us how it looks to you!}
15. Light a candle:  I will be lighting a candle in memory of Bo and all other babies/children who have left this world too soon! {Please light a candle for all babies/children who have gone too soon!  Also, say a prayer or think positive thoughts for all the families that have to go through this pain!}
16. Father:  In honor of Father's Day, I will be posting a photo of Bo's daddy.  {Honor the father of your child!  Or, because I know every situation is different, honor your father, the father-figure in your life, or the father-figure for your Angel!}
17. Family portrait {before loss}:  I will be sharing some photos of my little family before our loss & while I was pregnant.  {What did your family look like before your loss?}
18. Family portrait {after loss}:  Here, I will be sharing our new family photos.  Bo is still included in them, even though most people would not know it!  {What does your family look like now, after your loss?}
19. Supportive family/friends:  I want to share my family & friends with you who have been there with me through everything.  {Who in your family/friends has been there for you?}
20. Supportive Community:  So many groups & programs have helped me through this journey that I am on, and I want to share them, so that others can receive the support that they need.  {Where did you go for support in the community?  Was it online or in your area?}
21. Jewelry:  I have a couple of pieces of jewelry that are very important to me and remind me of Bo.  {Do you have a special piece of jewelry that you wear?}
22. Memorial Items:  This will be a photo of the collection of items I have received in memory of Bo!  {What items have you received to honor/remember your baby?}
23. Treasured items from friends:  I have a couple of items that were sent to me from friends, just because!  These are the most treasured items, and I will be sharing a photo of them!  {What have you received that you treasure the most?}
24. Memorial:  I will be posting a photo of Bo's memorial that I will be doing on his EDD.  {Have you held a celebration/memorial/funeral for your Angel?  If you don't mind, will you share your photos with us?}
25. Special Place:  I always think of Bo when I visit a couple of places.  I will share these places in photos!  {Is there somewhere special that reminds you of your Angel?}
26. Garden/Flowers:  I have not planted anything, yet, in memory of Bo, for fear of it dying, too, but I am thinking about it!  I do have a couple of trees/flowers/bushes that make me think of him, though!  {Did you plant a tree, flowers, or anything in memory of your Angel?}
27. White Signs of Grief:  I will be taking a photo with my white sign of grief, and I will be submitting it to their blog.  {Here is how to submit!}
28. Certificate of Life:  I will be posting Bo's Certificate of Life.  Another item that shows Bo's importance to not only me, but others.  {If you are participating, you can post your baby's Certificate of Life, Birth Certificate, Death Certificate, or whatever you are comfortable posting!}
29. Blog/Facebook Page/Project:  Here I will be sharing the special projects that I started and am doing in honor of Bo!  {Please share your special projects; whatever you are doing to honor and remember your baby/child, while also helping other bereaved families!}
30. Sunset:  On the last day of the month, I will post a photo of how  it looks in my part of the world when the sun goes down.  Will you show me it how looks in your part of the world, too?  {Please add city/state/country to your photo when you post it!}

Just so you know, if you want to participate, you are more than welcome to!  There are no rules and no expectations.  You do not have to share with anyone, but we would love it if you do!  Also, you do not have to participate everyday!  You can pick and choose what you want to do! <3

6 Months

Bo's 6 Month Angelversary was May 21!

All day long I was fine, until later that night, I was thinking about him, as I often do.

I just broke down in tears.  All I could think about was how I should be 38 weeks pregnant, ready to give birth to my beautiful baby boy! 

It is all I have been thinking about since his 6 month Angelversary!

I was able to order two beautiful pictures {one for my baby boy & one for my brother}, since I won a gift certificate from Catherine @ The Sacred Seashore.

Bo's beautiful sunset on the beach photo from The Sacred Seashore! <3

James' beautiful sunset beach photo from The Sacred Seashore!


I love these photos!  They are both so gorgeous!

My fiance picked Bo's photo out {and I think he made an awesome choice}!

Mommy & Daddy love & miss you, Bo!  Until we meet again, baby boy!

Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day!

May 12, 2013

For Mother's Day, I enjoyed the day relaxing, then went out to grab dinner with my fiance.

My fiance, our dog, and me on Mother's Day!

I called my mom to wish her a Happy Mother's Day!

Out of my family, she is the only one who wished me a Happy Mother's Day as well {not including my fiance}!

I was a little hurt that none of my other family called, text, or sent me a message to check on me this Mother's Day!  I guess I was just expecting a little more from them, but it is okay!  I had a wonderful day, anyways!  I have a wonderful community who supported me, thought about me, and sent me messages.

I even received some gifts for Mother's day from some of my friends.

Catherine from The Sacred Seashore & Gabriel's Garden sent me this photo!  It is so beautiful! <3

Bo's name was included in this photo, taken by one of the Moms, Brenda, who participated in the Mother's Day Name Event!  {I will be posting all the photos that I received through this event later in the month!}

Ballons on the beach from Gale @ Fittsies' Angel Balloons.  So beautiful! <3

You can see Bo's name on the bottom left side! <3

Painting from Kyla @ Tossie's Tree!  She is so talented with her paintings!  <3

Bo's Name plaque/statue from Catherine @ The Sacred Seashore & Gabriel's Garden! <3  I absolutely love this!  I stare at it daily! <3

Bo's Block from Maura Lynn's Baby Loss Memorial Blocks!

Here are some things I did myself:

I love seeing his name, and I thought this was so beautiful! <3  

A drawing I did on 5.10.13, while thinking about Mother's Day!  {No, I am not a artist! Please do not criticize my child-like drawing techniques!}

The status I wrote on Facebook for Mother's Day:

Happy Mother's Day to all the amazing Moms! 

To all the Moms who have children on Earth,

& especially to those who don't! 

To all the Moms who have children living at home,

& to those who don't! 

To all the Moms who want children, but cannot or have not 

had any! 

To all the Moms who have no children, but take care of 

everyone else's! 

To all the Moms who adopted instead of birthing! 

You are all Mothers! You are all beautiful! 

Happy Mother's Day to you! 

Happy Mother's Day to my baby boy!  Without you, I would 

not be a Mom!  Thank you, Bo, for making me a Mother!

International Bereaved Mother's Day

International Bereaved Mother's Day was Sunday, May 5, 2013.

To read more about International Bereaved Mother's Day and it's beginning, check out this post from CarlyMarie's blog.  You can also check out the Facebook page.

Overall, I was great on this day!  I think it is because I was focusing my energy and time on helping other Bereaved Mommies during the day!

I created several graphics for the day that anyone could use and share!

I also spent time making personal graphics for some individuals!  Here are the ones that I made for Bo! <3

I hope that all of you who celebrated International Bereaved Mother's Day had a very peaceful and gentle day!  Much love to you all!

Mommy loves & misses you, Bo!

5 Months

April 21st was Bo's 5 Month Angelversary.  It was a peaceful day for me.  I honestly didn't even realize what day it was until later on in the night.

I spent all afternoon taking, editing, and e-mailing photos for some other wonderful BLMs.

The wind kept blowing, so the origami kept flying around all over the place.  All I kept thinking while the wind was blowing is that our Angels are watching over me as I take these photos.  {And, they are playing tricks on me!}

Bo, I think about you so often.  Everyday in fact.  You are my baby.  You are my son.  I will think of you everyday, until we meet again!  I love you, baby boy! <3

Better & Worse

The past couple of months have been friendly to me.  I have been feeling better.  I am learning to cope with my grief.  I am learning to live with this whole in my heart and life.

But, the days are starting to get bad again.  Fears, stress, and sadness are creeping back in.  I am sure it has something to do with the dates that are coming up in the near future.

The next two months are going to be hard.  Very hard.

Mother's day, Bo's 6 month Angelversary, Bo's due date, and Father's day are all within a month of each other.

How do I cope with all of these days?  How am I supposed to act/react when I should be pregnant during the month of May and have a newborn come the month of June?

I guess I am going to do what I have been doing since my miscarriage.  Take it one day; one step at a time.  I am going to do my best to honor and remember my baby boy during this month of special dates, as I have since he went to Heaven.

So, please bear with me during these days.  They may get hard for me, so I will need your support, prayer & love most during these days!

4 Months

Yesterday, 3.21.12, was Bo's 4 month Angelversary.

I had been thinking about it coming up, but I didn't even realize it when the day got here.

I have to say, it is getting easier.  I guess that means I am healing.  Not forgetting.  But, learning to live this new life.

I still hurt.  Some days it still seems unbearable.  Other days, I am fine.  I know where Bo is, and I know I will see him again someday.

Yesterday, I received my ribbon from Gianna's Light.

The ribbon is so beautiful! <3

Then, today I got my bear from Project B.E.A.R.

It is so soft and cuddly! <3

I am happy to have gotten both of the items.  The items that I have gotten so far are really helping me to heal.  And, I am also happy to be healing.

I will never forget my baby.  I will always remember and honor his life.  My heart will always have a piece that is missing.  That is, until I get to Heaven with my baby.

Baby Dust by Deanna Roy

The other day, Wednesday, to be exact, I bought six books from Amazon.com.  Four of the books are related to miscarriages & pregnancy loss, and the other two are about pregnancy for first-time moms.  I figured these books would help me the most right now.  (While I will not be a first-time mom when I get pregnant again, most things that happen will be new to me.  I was only pregnant for 12 weeks when I had a miscarriage, so I missed out on the bigger things that happen during a pregnancy.)

Yesterday, I finished reading the book, Baby Dust:  A Novel about Miscarriage and Stillbirth by Deanna Roy.  This book was absolutely amazing.  Incredible.  Beautiful.

As I was reading the book, I kept thinking, "Yep.  That happened to me," or "That is exactly what I thought when I had my miscarriage," or "Wow!  I am not so crazy, after all!"

This book made me realize that no matter what, I did what I had to do to survive during my miscarriage, and that it was okay.  I was okay.  I was not crazy!

So, if you have not read this book, please go check it out.  Right now, in honor of International Women's Day, the eBook version is half-price (only $2.99) and is on sale for 48 hours only (according to A Place for Our Angels - Miscarriage and Stillbirth Memorials).  Even if you cannot buy the book right now, the normal price for the eBook version is only $5.99.

And, if you do not have a Kindle (I do not have one), you can get the Kindle reading app for free for your Computer, Smartphone, or Tablet.  I read books on my computer, then when I am tired of sitting at the computer, I switch to the phone.  That way, I can read while lying in bed, riding the bus, or sitting in a doctor's office.  It is wonderful!

Peace

 

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.  I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. - Jesus, John 14:27 (NIV)

For now I would be lying down in peace; I would be asleep and at rest. - Job 3:13 (NIV)

The God of peace be with you all. Amen. - Romans 15:33 (NIV)


A couple of weeks ago, I went through a horrible emotional and physical battle.  The grief and emotional toil were unbearable.  The pain was so bad, that I started to feel it physically.  I became sick.

After talking to my fiance & crying for around an hour, I felt somewhat better, but I was still physically sick.  And, the emotional pain was still lingering.

I was lying down trying to go to sleep, but the pain would not go away.  I laid there for a while, and I started to pray.  I asked God to comfort me.  To give me His peace so that I could rest.  So that I could deal with everything that was going on.

And, as always, He delivered.  I felt so relaxed & comforted.  I was finally able to go to sleep and get some rest after I received peace from the Lord.

Today, my wish to all my BLM friends is that you receive peace and comfort from the Lord as I have.

God bless each of you!  Love & hugs! <3

R-word: Annual Day of Awareness

This is not a normal topic for this blog, but it is a topic that is special to me.

Today, March 6, is Annual Day of Awareness on R-Word.

If you don't know what this is, please go check out the website.

The R-word is the word retard{ed}.

This word is so negative.  A lot of times people use this word while picking with friends, and they will say it without thinking.  Other times, this word is used in a very mean and derogatory way.  A way that I don't even like to think about.

Because, when I hear this word, I cringe.  It is like nails on a chalk board.  It makes my stomach turn.

My brother was labelled/classified by doctors as mentally retarded. This was back before it was considered such a nasty word.  He did have several disabilities, including intellectual disabilities.  But, he was not retarded.  He was very special and unique.  He did and he still does have a beautiful soul.  Only now, he is in Heaven.  He passed 17 days after his 13th birthday.

So, this has such special meaning to me and my life.  If I hear someone say this word, I automatically respond by telling them why they shouldn't use the R-word.

I took the pledge to not use the R-word.

Will you do the same?

Journal Entry: Grief is exhausting

Grief is exhausting.  Mentally, physically, & emotionally exhausting.  

It is also painful.  Very, very, very (I could go on all day) painful.

It hurts.  And not just a little.  A lot.  A whole lot.

Like deep down in your bones.  All through your muscles.

Straight into the heart.

Where the hole is.  The big hole.  A great big hole.

So big, it feels like I shouldn't have a heart.

Actually, it feels like I shouldn't be here.

I am in that hole.

It is bigger than me.

It consumes me.

Every fiber of my being is consumed by the great big hole.

The hole that is in my heart.

The hole that was left when my baby went to Heaven.

The hole that took the space.  The space in my life where my baby should be.

Bo is & will always be in my heart & life, but not in the way that most moms have their baby.

Instead of celebrating birthdays, holidays, milestones, good grades, etc., I spend time, effort, & money to remember my baby.

To honor his life & cherish the memories I have.

And, now I live with the grief & the pain.

Everyday.

It is there.

Some days are easier than others, but some days I just want to curl up in bed, forget the outside world, & sleep for days.

Three Months

Bo has now been in Heaven for longer than he was on earth.
For longer than he spent in my womb.

It has been 13 weeks and 1 day since my miscarriage.
I would be 25 weeks pregnant today.

Today, I should be registering gifts for my baby shower.  Planning the details, like what food would be served, what the theme would be, and who to invite.

Instead, I had a memorial for my baby boy.  I spent time thinking about him and doing things in his memory.

Brick Wall picture I did for Bo <3

Bo's origami coyote I made him

Bo's pebbles <3

Bo with his coyote

Bo's memory box I made him

 

Bo's memory box full of the special items

Bo's table

We love and miss you, Bo!  We think of you each and every day.
Happy 3 month Angelversary, baby boy! <3

I did not lose my child

I hate that term.
Loss.
I didn't lose my child.
But yet, I use it all the time.
We all do.

Why?

Because we dislike the term death more.
Nobody wants to hear about death.
Nobody wants to talk about death.
Even though death is a part of life.


Miscarry.
That is another term I hate.
I didn't miscarry my child, either.
I carried my baby the best way that I knew how.

But, I will still say that I had a miscarriage over my baby died.
I still say that I lost my baby, even though I didn't.
I know exactly where my baby is.  He is in Heaven.

So, even though I may still say that I lost my baby, I didn't.
And, even though I may still say that I miscarried my baby, I didn't.

My baby died.
I did nothing wrong.
I don't know why my baby died.
I have no explanation.
But, I do know where my baby is.
And, I know that I will see him again, one day!

A loss is a loss

A loss is a loss, so why are they treated differently.

A death is a death, so why are some deaths recognized, while others are treated as if nothing happened.

A person is a person, so why does it seem like some are more important than others.

I honestly hate the differences that are so apparent between losses/deaths.

When someone passes away, the family is giving so much to help them during their time of need.  People bring food, help take care of housework, help with the children, send sympathy cards, send flowers, offer support, call, attend the funeral, etc.

This happens for most deaths.

Most.

Not all.

You see, not all deaths are treated the same.

I had a miscarriage.  My baby died.  I was not that far along in my pregnancy {only 12 weeks when I had the miscarriage}, and my baby's heart stopped beating way before that {at a little over 7 weeks G.A.}.  But, why should that matter.

Read that paragraph again!  My baby's heart stopped beating.  He lived.  He died.

He is a person, just like everybody else.  So why was his death treated differently.

I wasn't able to have a funeral.  I didn't get that many phone calls.  I never received a sympathy card in the mail.  I never got flowers.  Nobody came to help me.  I did my own cooking and cleaning.

Why?

Why didn't people help me, like they help others when a loved one passes away?  Why wasn't my baby's death acknowledged?

Honestly, I don't know.  I don't have the answers.

But, I must keep living.  I must keep honoring and remembering Bo.  I must do the best that I can.

So, I have a memorial every month and on major holidays for Bo.  I remember him every day.  I miss him. I love him.

And, I do my best to help other BLMs.  To offer support, comfort, healing, hope, and encouragement.  To let them know that they are not alone on this journey.  To let them know that someone does care.  Someone does acknowledge them, their babies, and their losses.

I found this quote, and I think it fits some of what I am trying to say.

"Is the death of a fetus easier to endure than the death of an older child?  Is the grief of losing a limb greater than the grief of losing a life?  There is no such thing as greater or lesser grief.  One person's sadness is as great as another's."
- Author Unknown

Happy Valentine's Day!

I couldn't get this posted yesterday as I was having too much fun celebrating Valentine's day with my fiance, but here it is now.

Our day can best be imagined/described through pictures, so forgive me for the overload below.

"I love you" french toast for Justin!

"Heart" french toast for me!

View from our picnic table where we ate a late lunch!

Us after eating lunch!

{I think this is the best pic I have taken in a while!}

Justin looking at his gift {a "book of love - love coupons}!

We had someone join us for lunch!

I burnt my fingers cooking dinner! OUCH!

Got these hearts in the mail from Rhonda {a great Valentine's day gift}!

Also got my rock in the mail from Kyla {another great Valentine's day gift}!

So beautiful!

Bo & his Angel friends celebrating Valentine's day {each heart has a name}!

Since the names couldn't be seen on the hearts, I wrote them on the table!

Bo's Valentine I made him! <3

My fiance and I ate breakfast, lunch, dinner, and dessert together.  This is something we don't often do, even though we spend pretty much every minute of every day together!  We also don't usually go out {leave the house}, unless we absolutely have to, so it was nice walking down to the park to eat our lunch.  We are definitely planning on doing that more often!

Overall, we thoroughly enjoyed our day together!  And I enjoyed sending love and happy thoughts to Heaven for Bo and all other Angel babies!

Happy Valentine's Day!