Monday, January 14, 2013

Walking With You: Clinging in the Pit

January 14, 2013 ~ Clinging in the Pit

If you are not new to loss, talk a bit about early grief.  What was it like, clinging for hope in the pits of despair?  What did you cling to for hope?  How did you survive the early days?  What helped?  What do you wish you could share with someone new to this walk, clinging in the pit?  If you're in the pit, currently, share your struggles.  What can others do to encourage you?

Since my miscarriage was only 7.5 weeks ago, I would say that I am still currently in the pit.  I am still dealing with daily struggles and grief. My miscarriage happened the day before Thanksgiving, so my main struggle was getting through the holidays not being pregnant, when I should have been.  Each holiday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years, have been tough.  And, I still have several holidays to go through, where I would have been pregnant, like Valentine's day, February 18th (not a holiday, but a day I remember - the day my Papa passed away), St. Patrick's day, Easter, Mother's Day, and Father's Day.  Not to mention, my due date was supposed to be right after Father's Day, on June 23, 2013.

How do I celebrate these holidays?  I was supposed to be pregnant through them.  My baby was supposed to be safe inside of me, growing away without a care in the world.  I was supposed to deliver shortly after Mother's Day and Father's Day.  One of the greatest presents that can be given to a Mother and Father, but I won't get that present this year.

Other struggles I have gone through are seeing other women pregnant.  I knew of about 10-15 women who were pregnant when I got pregnant.  During my pregnancy and after my miscarriage, about 10 more women announced that they were pregnant.  Each time, I am excited for them, but I am also sad because my baby is not here with me anymore.  Bo is in Heaven, though, so I know he is in the best place he can be.

The thing that gets me though, about seeing pregnant women, is when they complain about "pregnancy problems."  I take it to heart when I see these complaints because I would love to be feeling what they are.  I would love to have the back pain, using the bathroom excessively, the big tummy, the kicks, the movements, the cravings, heartburn, sleepless nights, weight gain, and everything else that goes along with pregnancy because it would mean that Bo is still alive and well inside of me.  I know I can't get upset with them for posting and saying these things, but it hurts me.  It hurts because it seems like they are not fully enjoying their pregnancy and their baby, which they probably are (to the best of their abilities) because they have not experienced what I have.

While there are many more struggles I could delve into, I would rather talk about the encouragement now. What I have received from so many has been extremely helpful, comforting, supportive, and healing.  Many ladies reached out to me after my miscarriage.  Ladies that I never knew had been through similar situations.  Ladies who took the time to say, "I am sorry for your loss.  I have been through something similar.  I am here if you need to talk."  That is the most comforting.  To know that somebody is willing to listen to you and talk with you.

While talking can be very beneficial for grieving mothers (fathers, parents, etc.), it can also be very harmful.  Something I learned after my miscarriage.  Other types of encouragement that helped were online support groups, hugs (virtual hugs were sometimes better than real ones because these women knew what I was and am going through), acknowledging my baby (Bo did exist, and he still does), and accepting my grief and me for who I am.  The grief is there.  It will probably always be there.  It will get easier, but I do not believe the grief will ever go away until I am in Heaven with my Savior and my baby.  And, I will always be who I am.  Nobody can change that.  

24 comments:

  1. Written straight from your heart....full of love and hope. I struggled watching other pregnant woman continue on in their pregnancy, enjoying (and complaining), when I *should* have been experiencing the life in me continue to grow, kick and live within my womb. I struggled for a very long time, watching their babies be born, and grow, knowing that my son would be in the very stages that they were enjoying.

    Thank you for sharing more of your heart Kayla...

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    1. Thank you, Jennifer! It is harder some days than others, but we all get through!

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  2. This is a beautiful post, my heart goes out anyone who has lost a child in any capacity and my condolences to you. My best friend and my sister-in-law each have miscarried multiple times and my heart breaks for them because all they've ever wanted was to have a baby and be mothers. Each time it happened, I always fought to find the words to comfort them, until one of my friends told me about a book to get them. It's called "There Was Supposed To Be a Baby" by Catherine Keating, you can check her and the book on the website http://therewassupposedtobe.com/. I've given this book to each of them as a gift and both have said what a wonderful book and comfort it was to them. Thank you for this post, and I pray that you may continue to find peace.

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    1. Marie,

      Thank you for the prayers and kind words! I will look into the book!

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  3. Hi Kayla, I am so sorry for your loss of precious Bo. I find holidays to be extremely difficult as well, and even 6 months after my loss, it's still so hard to look at another pregnant woman. I'm glad you found support in the online BL community -- blogging and finding support groups online has been immensely helpful to me. Wishing you peace and hope <3

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    1. Catherine,

      Thank you for your kind words and wishes! I am so grateful to have the support group that I do! Thanks again!

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  4. Oh, honey. I know just what you mean. Unfortunently the holidays will always be hard. All of them. It gets easier, but they are always hard. It's hard to see all the other kids running around and thinking about your little one who should be there with them. Family seems to forget and move on. One of the most wonderful and healing things that I will get tired of is seeing or hearing my child's name. That always makes me smile...having someone else recognize my child and that she was real. I pray you find peace, are gently with yourself...and I'm thankful you have found friends in our little community. I'm so sorry you are here.

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    1. Betty,

      Thank you so much! I am sorry for your loss and sad that this is the way we have to find each other and become online friends, but I am so grateful to have women like you supporting me! Thanks again!

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  5. I understand how it feels when the women complain and gripe about pregnancy... and the feedings and sleepless nights. Saying the worse things...

    I pray that you will find comfort and peace as you go through the next few months of holidays... I too am trying to figure out the holidays. I found a red butterfly to use for her for Valentine's Day... We try to release a balloon for Tossie at each holiday or special day. Maybe a new tradition would be good for you too.

    I'm glad that we have gotten to meet <3

    Much Love, Hugs and Prayers for you. <3

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    1. Kyla,

      I am so happy we have met. I just wish it wasn't under these circumstances, but I am grateful for you, nonetheless. Thank you for your kind words, prayers, and thoughts. They truly are wonderful and helpful. I am thinking about things to do for Bo during the holidays and special days, and I know I will find a way to remember him and keep his memory alive! Thank you again!

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  6. thanks for sharing your story! when we suffered our loses i too was shocked at how many women would tell me that they had suffered loss to. it is so sad to know that so many women have and are going through this but that they are doing it silently. i am glad you are sharing not only for yourself but to strengthen others.

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    1. Thank you, Tina! That is exactly the reason I share. I want Bo to be remembered, and I want other women to know that they are not alone! It does happen, and it happens often!

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  7. Kayla...so much of what you shared rings true for many moms who have walked through loss. The difficulty on holidays, pregnancies reminding of what you don't have...what you're missing...your sweet child. The missing is so hard. And, so painful when others do not understand or acknowledge your loss.

    Thank you for sharing your heart, and writing about your Bo.

    Praying for you.

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    1. Thank you, Kelly! Your kind words and prayers are appreciated!

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  8. Praying for you during this difficult time. Seeing pregnancy women is still hard for me. Your innocence has been lost and so its hard to see others act so carefree about being pregnant. Praying for you and your heart. Thank you for sharing Bo with us!

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    1. Thank you, RyAnne! I will be praying for you as well!

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  9. The special days continue to hurt, but they were especially brutal that first year. I am sorry you are "in the trenches" right now. And the women who complained about being pregnant...that was a pain that cut deep. Didn't they understand that we would have endured the worst of any pregnancy symptoms if it meant we could have had our babies at the end of it? I don't necessary believe that this road gets any easier, but I do believe that we become stronger and better able to manage it as we move through the process. I will pray for you.

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    1. Thank you very much! The prayers are always accepted and appreciated! I will pray for you as well! Thank you for kind words. I don't think it's going to get easier, either, but I am learning how to lean on God during the hard times!

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  10. It took time for me to be able to even look at newborn babies and pregnant women that weren't family or close friends. I can look at them now but it's not quite the same as it used to be. I wonder if they know the blessing they have been given. I wonder if they have known loss too.

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    1. Holly, I wonder the same things. Do they think about it? Do they wonder if it could happen to them? Does it make them cherish their children more? Thank you for your comment!

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  11. The would-have-beens and should-have-beens. So hard. I found the first year after my miscarriages to be most difficult, day-to-day exactly because of those milestones. There are SO many, and each hurts the same.

    Doesn't it just feel like EVERYONE is pregnant when you aren't (and "should" have been)?? I've often said I'd give anything to be blissfully ignorant again. I have a rainbow baby, Anders, who was born almost two years after my first miscarriage, but I think I had more feelings of anxiety than excitement during that pregnancy.

    Sending a virtual hug your way. You are not alone.

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    1. Thank you, Karin! If only we could all be blissfully ignorant again. I believe I will be the same way when I do get pregnant again. More anxious than ever. It doesn't help that I have anxiety and panic disorders, so during my pregnancy with Bo, I was so very nervous. I can only imagine how it is going to be when I get pregnant again.

      Thanks for the hug, and I am sending you one back!

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  12. Hi Kayla,

    I am sure the holidays were so hard to deal with, especially coming back-to-back right after your loss! I am so sorry :( I remember what those first holidays were like for me...though I wasn't supposed to still be pregnant, I was supposed to have my new daughter there with me to celebrate. Each year, I believe it will get a bit easier for you.

    On Mother's Day and Father's Day, though your sweet Bo isn't here to hold in your arms, you will always hold him in your heart and you will always be a mom and dad, which should be celebrated! I know it will be hard...it always is for me.

    For a long time, it hurt so deeply to see pregnancy announcements and birth announcements. In a way, I think it always will because I will associate it with Lily. It is still hard at times, especially because I am unable to "try again" right now.

    It annoyed me so much when pregnant women would complain and I would be like oh geez, come on. I had all those symptoms and all the affects of pregnancy, with no baby to show for it. But, then I remember that I probably complained once or twice too because I was so naive to what could happen. I am glad those women are naive to what I know...so when I get annoyed, I just have to keep telling myself that.

    I am so glad you have support and have found encouragement, especially through the online community. I feel the same. It is great to have people who "get it."

    Thank you for sharing your heart this week...

    Much love and hugs,
    Hannah Rose

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  13. Hannah,

    Thank you so much! And thank you for reminding me about the naivety of so many pregnant women. I hope that they can remain that way, and I will try to keep reminding myself that. Love and Hugs to you!

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