Saturday, January 26, 2013

Walking With You: Steps back into life

January 21, 2013 ~ Steps Back into Life

Share about your first steps back into life.  What helped you survive in the world outside as you took those first tender steps?  Are there still tender areas for you today, living in a world that doesn't embrace or understand the loss of a baby/child?  How do you cope with those struggles?  What advice would you offer those new to this walk to encourage and bring hope?  How has this changed for you from the beginning?  If you are in early grief, what do you fear/struggle with as you try to navigate a new normal....life without your baby?


My main fear is that Bo will not be remembered.

My main struggle is dealing with all of the pregnancies and babies around me.

I do not believe there will ever be a new "normal" for me.  I do not want to live my life without my baby.  For this reason, I have this blog.  I constantly talk about Bo.  I think about him all the time.  I want him to be remembered.  I want people to know that he is a person.  He is important.  He is loved.  He is missed.

I also struggle with the fact that miscarriage is such a taboo subject. Like I should be ashamed just for saying the word.

I thought that I had been doing well with my grief.  I thought that I was handling myself well.  I thought that I was handling my grief.  That I was embracing it, understanding it, dealing with it, working through it.  I thought.

Yesterday, I had a WIC appointment.  I had to go get my new vouchers.  I was sick.  My fiance was sick.  We did not want to go, but we made the trip anyways.  As I was sitting in the waiting area, I started to feel my chest tighten.  I couldn't breathe.  My vision was fading.  I couldn't see, clearly.  I felt like I was going to faint/black out.  I thought it was the sickness.  It had to be the cold that I had, but why was my vision going.  It was the first time that I had a panic attack, and I didn't immediately recognize it.  I did recognize it soon enough that I didn't faint, but it still took me longer than it ever has.  So, it was the sickness.  Just not the one I was thinking.  After I recognized what was going on, I started taking deep breaths and got it under control.  Not gone, but manageable.  

Just like my grief.  It will never be gone, but I have been able to manage.

After my WIC appointment, my fiance had a doctor's appointment. While we were there, I needed to set up an appointment for blood work {for WIC - to prove that my miscarriage happened and my blood and iron levels were back to normal}.  I was explaining to the receptionist what I needed, and I felt like I should have been ashamed.  She was asking another lady some questions about how to put it in the computer, what doctor I should see, etc., and she would not talk about it out loud.  She got out of her chair, walked over to the other lady, and was whispering.  After my panic attack earlier that day, I just wanted to scream.  "Why are we whispering?"  "Why should I be ashamed?"  "Why can't we talk about it?"

My baby died.  I know this.  With life, there is death.  I know this.  My baby is in Heaven. I know this.  So why are we so ashamed to talk about miscarriage and death.  Should I be ashamed that I had a miscarriage?  That my body was not able to carry my baby to full term?  That I did not have a living baby?  That my baby was not able to survive?  That my baby died?  Should I be ashamed?

Should I be ashamed?  That seems to be the million dollar question.  Well my answer is NO.  No woman should be ashamed to have a miscarriage or talk about it.  She should not feel the need to hide her grief, her pain, her anger, her anxiety, her panic, or her fears.  We should not feel the need to hide the fact that we had a miscarriage or to not talk about it.

In fact, I think that talking about it is a great idea.  I think that talking about it helps.  It heals.  So, for as long as I can, I will talk about miscarriage.  But, not just miscarriage in general.  I will talk about my miscarriage.  I will talk about my baby.  I will help others when I can.  

I will not stop, so don't ask me to!

14 comments:

  1. I hope that talking about your loss and your baby helps you to heal. I really hate that babyloss is such a taboo topic even today in 2013. There isn't anything to be ashamed of so why doesn't society let us talk about our losses and grieve openly? I pray that as more and more of us speak out about our losses that over time society will learn to understand.

    I'm struggling also with seeing so many of my friends get pregnant and have babies. They make it seem so easy... I feel like I'm the only one who can't have a living baby.

    Hugs to you Mama <3

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    1. Catherine,

      Thank you so much! I am also hoping that as we speak openly about our losses, more individuals will understand. I can only hope one day, women will be offered more support in hospitals, doctor's offices, etc. through their loss. That more resources will be offered.

      I am praying for you, and hugs to you as well! <3

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  2. It will take time, but you will have a "new normal". It's different for everyone, and it comes at different times. You will find a groove that works for you.

    I have to agree that my biggest struggle is STILL that people just dont want to talk about it. Some of my most precious and healing moments have come from talking with other mom's about my daughter. I have found that if you let them make you feel ashamed they will just keep on. You will reach a point where you just dont care what other's think. You plaster on smile on your face and you talk about that precious baby as if it were still living. When they see your attitude it changes theirs. Dont let them bully you! Call them out!

    Much love and hugs to you! Hang in there!

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    1. Betty,

      Thank you so much! I am doing my best! I only hope that one day I can openly talk about Bo without someone looking at me like I have the plague!

      Love and hugs to you as well!

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  3. Society tries to sweep loss under the rug as if it never happened. If it isn't talked about then it doesn't happen. All this does is isolate us who have lost. Good news is we as bereaved families are breaking that taboo the more we are open about our losses. We've already come a long way with the way things used to be. No, we should never be ashamed with our losses.

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    1. Holly,

      Thank you so much! I completely agree with you. We have come so far, and I am so happy for that!

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  4. I too don't understand why baby death is so hard to acknowledge & talk about. It's hurtful!! But I refuse to keep quiet about my son and kuddos to you for talking about your Bo!

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    1. Jenn,

      Thank you so much! I am so happy that we are both willing to share our stories and talk about our children! Hugs to you!

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  5. UGG...I'm feeling so rebellious right now...and that isn't really me. I'm not much of an activist...at least not in recent decades. ;) But, this subject has ruffled my feathers lately. Why should a mother feel ashamed because she lost her child? Why? I have felt that shame...that desire not to be an inconvenience...being the one carrying the truth that babies die. It's like wearing a scarlet letter. But, it shouldn't be. I'm sorry it is. I'm also grateful that some girls get it. Thank you for walking with us, Kayla. Love to you...

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    1. Thank you so much, Kelly! I am also so grateful for the ladies that get it! Love to you as well!

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  6. Hi Kayla I am here reading all about your life and baby. I am so sorry you had to walk the difficult path of goodbye. I know that awful feeling of people being uncomfortable because of our babies. I am with you that I will talk about him anyway. I think it is so sweet and compassionate that you want to help other mommies, I had/have a very strong desire to help also and immense thankfulness for the babyloss community. I think you should just pray and ask God what would be good for you to do. I am sure he will show you and help you think of something creative. You seem like a truly sweet soul and good mommy so glad to be walking with you. I will be praying that you find healing and comfort!

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    1. Tesha,

      Thank you so much! I am so happy to be walking with you (and all of the other ladies) as well! Thank you for the prayers! They are much needed and appreciated! Hugs and love to you!

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  7. You hold a lot of power in your words! Yes, don't ever stop speaking about your loss. Knowledge is power. This is my mission too... To educate others, that death is real, and you never no if it is going to happen to you... and never "back" a mother into a corner, by whispering about her baby that did not make it! You can make a difference Kayla... and you have already started...

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  8. Jennifer,

    Thank you so much! You are absolutely right! Knowledge is power. I am so glad we are on this walk together. Thanks again!

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