I want to help!

So many BLMs have helped me through my grieving process, and I am so very grateful to all of them for what they have done.  Knowing that Bo is being remembered by others really helps me.

And, it has made me want to help.  I know that I cannot do much, but I want to support other BLMs as they have supported me.  I want to offer something to them that will help to soothe their hearts and souls.  But, I don't know what I can do.

So, I am looking for ways to helps other BLMs {but not just mommies, I want to help anyone who has suffered the loss of a pregnancy, baby, or child}.  If you have any ideas on how I can help, please let me know.  I really just want to offer my support and encouragement.

I am also looking for volunteering opportunities.  I know that volunteering is different in all areas, so I am researching this myself,  but if you have any links or suggestions, please leave a comment below.

Again, thank you to all of the wonderful BLMs who have been there for me!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sidenote:  I have a camera.  It is nothing much, but I am in love with it, and I am in love with photography.  I was thinking of offering unique photographs.  I can add custom art and lettering to them with programs on my computer.  But, I see that so many people already offer this, that I am not sure if anyone would want one.

Walking With You: Steps back into life

January 21, 2013 ~ Steps Back into Life

Share about your first steps back into life.  What helped you survive in the world outside as you took those first tender steps?  Are there still tender areas for you today, living in a world that doesn't embrace or understand the loss of a baby/child?  How do you cope with those struggles?  What advice would you offer those new to this walk to encourage and bring hope?  How has this changed for you from the beginning?  If you are in early grief, what do you fear/struggle with as you try to navigate a new normal....life without your baby?


My main fear is that Bo will not be remembered.

My main struggle is dealing with all of the pregnancies and babies around me.

I do not believe there will ever be a new "normal" for me.  I do not want to live my life without my baby.  For this reason, I have this blog.  I constantly talk about Bo.  I think about him all the time.  I want him to be remembered.  I want people to know that he is a person.  He is important.  He is loved.  He is missed.

I also struggle with the fact that miscarriage is such a taboo subject. Like I should be ashamed just for saying the word.

I thought that I had been doing well with my grief.  I thought that I was handling myself well.  I thought that I was handling my grief.  That I was embracing it, understanding it, dealing with it, working through it.  I thought.

Yesterday, I had a WIC appointment.  I had to go get my new vouchers.  I was sick.  My fiance was sick.  We did not want to go, but we made the trip anyways.  As I was sitting in the waiting area, I started to feel my chest tighten.  I couldn't breathe.  My vision was fading.  I couldn't see, clearly.  I felt like I was going to faint/black out.  I thought it was the sickness.  It had to be the cold that I had, but why was my vision going.  It was the first time that I had a panic attack, and I didn't immediately recognize it.  I did recognize it soon enough that I didn't faint, but it still took me longer than it ever has.  So, it was the sickness.  Just not the one I was thinking.  After I recognized what was going on, I started taking deep breaths and got it under control.  Not gone, but manageable.  

Just like my grief.  It will never be gone, but I have been able to manage.

After my WIC appointment, my fiance had a doctor's appointment. While we were there, I needed to set up an appointment for blood work {for WIC - to prove that my miscarriage happened and my blood and iron levels were back to normal}.  I was explaining to the receptionist what I needed, and I felt like I should have been ashamed.  She was asking another lady some questions about how to put it in the computer, what doctor I should see, etc., and she would not talk about it out loud.  She got out of her chair, walked over to the other lady, and was whispering.  After my panic attack earlier that day, I just wanted to scream.  "Why are we whispering?"  "Why should I be ashamed?"  "Why can't we talk about it?"

My baby died.  I know this.  With life, there is death.  I know this.  My baby is in Heaven. I know this.  So why are we so ashamed to talk about miscarriage and death.  Should I be ashamed that I had a miscarriage?  That my body was not able to carry my baby to full term?  That I did not have a living baby?  That my baby was not able to survive?  That my baby died?  Should I be ashamed?

Should I be ashamed?  That seems to be the million dollar question.  Well my answer is NO.  No woman should be ashamed to have a miscarriage or talk about it.  She should not feel the need to hide her grief, her pain, her anger, her anxiety, her panic, or her fears.  We should not feel the need to hide the fact that we had a miscarriage or to not talk about it.

In fact, I think that talking about it is a great idea.  I think that talking about it helps.  It heals.  So, for as long as I can, I will talk about miscarriage.  But, not just miscarriage in general.  I will talk about my miscarriage.  I will talk about my baby.  I will help others when I can.  

I will not stop, so don't ask me to!

What has helped

After I went in for my first ultrasound and heard the horrible news that they couldn't find my baby's heartbeat, I started scouring the internet.  I wanted to find as much information as I could to prepare myself for the worst.  I did my best to find as much information as I could.  BUT, no matter how much I did, how much I found, or how much I read, there was nothing I could have done to prepare me for the day that I had my miscarriage.

After I had my miscarriage, I turned to God, family, and friends, and once again, I found myself scouring the internet.  I knew that I was going to need help getting through this.  AND, I realized that there is no "getting through this," there is only "learning to live with it."  And, I am still finding my way to "live with it."

But, I have found so many resources to help me through the grieving process.  And, I wanted to share these resources that I have found with all of you.  There are so many support groups, blogs, songs, quotes, and poems that I have found that have helped me.

Support Groups:  Search online - Search Facebook - And, if you would like to know some of the ones that I have joined, send me an e-mail.  I will be glad to give you the names of them.  Also, try Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope.  They have Face2Face Groups, where not only can you join an online community, but if you are able to, you can go to events for more support.

Quotes:  As I scoured the internet, I found so many quotes.  Here are some of my favorites!

*Just think, the first time he opened his eyes, he saw God!*
- Authour Unknown

*Do not judge the bereaved mother.  She comes in many forms.  She is breathing, but she is dying.  She may look young, but inside she has become ancient.  She smiles, but her heart sobs.  She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS, but she IS NOT, all at once.  She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity.*
- Author Unknown

*An angel with the book of life wrote down my baby's birth, then whispered as she closed the book, "too beautiful for earth."*
- Author Unknown

Poems:  I like to write, so I have written some for my baby.  Here is a link to the poem I wrote, "My Baby, My Angel."  And, here is a link to a poem that I found that I really loved, ♥What Makes A Mother♥ by Jennifer Wasik.

Songs:  All of the songs listed can be found on Youtube.com.  You can click each link to find them.

"Still" by Gerrit Hofsink
"Hug Him Once For Me"
"Small Bump" by Ed Sheeran
"Glory Baby" by Watermark
"Who You'd Be Today" by Kenny Chesney

Blogs:  Here are links to some of my favorite blogs.  Now, these are not all of the blogs that I follow or read, but just a few that I have found that really help.  There are so many that you can find, just by searching for blogs about miscarriage, stillbirth, infant loss, etc.

Sufficient Grace Ministries
Tossie's Tree and Painted Rocks
Pinwheels from Heaven
Precious Baby Alanna Phoebe
Tesha's Treasures
Small Bird Studios

I did not write a description for any of these because I just cannot come up with words that would describe them effectively.  They are all great blogs.  Please go check them out, if you haven't already.

All of these resources have helped me and are continuing to help me.  I hope that they can help you as well.  And, if you have any other great resources that helped you, please share them in the comments below!  Thank you all!

Two Months

Some days it feels like it was just yesterday, while other days I feel like it has been forever.  Today, I am having both of these feelings, which is weird.  I cannot believe it has been two months because it feels like it just happened, while it also seems like it was so long ago and just a distant memory.

Today is Bo's two month Angelversary.  He is celebrating his second month in Heaven with all of the other Angels, Jesus, and God.  I know my brother and papa are looking over him up there until I can get there!

This morning, when I woke up, I did not want to get out of bed.  I seriously debated sleeping all through the day until tomorrow arrived.  I did not feel good at all.  I did not get much sleep, my throat has been so sore, and I have been running a slight fever everyday this week, not to mention the cramps and twinges that I have been having in my lower abdomen.  BUT, my wonderful fiance mentioned pancakes.  And, I wanted some.  So, I got out of bed.

I got a cup of coffee, and shortly after I woke up, my fiance started making pancakes, which most of them turned out disastrous.  {Let me just mention, he is awesome at making pancakes, so this was unusual.  We think we need new pans!}  But, he did get one pancake to turn out okay.  And, that was all I needed.

My horrible cutting skills, but this is Bo's 2 month Angelversary pancake that we shared.

After eating pancakes, I went back to bed.  I napped for about 3 to 4 hours, when I woke up sobbing.  I had a horrible dream, where I was so upset and sad about today, and I had nobody to talk to.  It seemed like nobody cared or wanted to listen to me.  Then, a women (that I do not know) grabbed me and hugged me.  She was talking to me, telling me everything is okay, and she helped me to feel better.  When she hugged me and was talking to me, I immediately thought of the support groups that I have joined and all of the other BLMs that I have connected with.  I thought about how they all make me feel better.  How I do not know these women, but they are able to give me hugs (virtual hugs, but they are still hugs) and talk to me, encourage me, support me, and comfort me.  So, even though I was still crying, upset, and disoriented, I was also calm, at ease, and felt very peaceful.

Tonight, I decided to take pictures of the moon and Jupiter and Bo's candle.  Something that really calmed me down.  I am forewarning you, there is a picture frenzy below!

Jupiter is top-right of the moon.  I noticed after I took the pic and was looking over them, the swirlies in the bottom-left of the picture.  It made me think of an Angel flying around up there.

 

The best picture I got of the moon and Jupiter.  The wind was blowing so hard, and it was chilly, so I was shaking.  So that is why all of the others are so blurry and swirly!

Zoomed in and cropped the best picture, so that the moon and Jupiter are more visible.

Bo's candle sitting by a tree.

With the flash.

 Dear Bo,

Mommy and Daddy love and miss you very much!  We can't wait until we can meet you, see you, touch you, hug you, kiss you, and talk to you!  Until that day, please watch over us, keep us safe, and guide us where we need to go!

We love you, Bo, our perfect Angel!

Walking With You: Clinging in the Pit

January 14, 2013 ~ Clinging in the Pit

If you are not new to loss, talk a bit about early grief.  What was it like, clinging for hope in the pits of despair?  What did you cling to for hope?  How did you survive the early days?  What helped?  What do you wish you could share with someone new to this walk, clinging in the pit?  If you're in the pit, currently, share your struggles.  What can others do to encourage you?

Since my miscarriage was only 7.5 weeks ago, I would say that I am still currently in the pit.  I am still dealing with daily struggles and grief. My miscarriage happened the day before Thanksgiving, so my main struggle was getting through the holidays not being pregnant, when I should have been.  Each holiday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years, have been tough.  And, I still have several holidays to go through, where I would have been pregnant, like Valentine's day, February 18th (not a holiday, but a day I remember - the day my Papa passed away), St. Patrick's day, Easter, Mother's Day, and Father's Day.  Not to mention, my due date was supposed to be right after Father's Day, on June 23, 2013.

How do I celebrate these holidays?  I was supposed to be pregnant through them.  My baby was supposed to be safe inside of me, growing away without a care in the world.  I was supposed to deliver shortly after Mother's Day and Father's Day.  One of the greatest presents that can be given to a Mother and Father, but I won't get that present this year.

Other struggles I have gone through are seeing other women pregnant.  I knew of about 10-15 women who were pregnant when I got pregnant.  During my pregnancy and after my miscarriage, about 10 more women announced that they were pregnant.  Each time, I am excited for them, but I am also sad because my baby is not here with me anymore.  Bo is in Heaven, though, so I know he is in the best place he can be.

The thing that gets me though, about seeing pregnant women, is when they complain about "pregnancy problems."  I take it to heart when I see these complaints because I would love to be feeling what they are.  I would love to have the back pain, using the bathroom excessively, the big tummy, the kicks, the movements, the cravings, heartburn, sleepless nights, weight gain, and everything else that goes along with pregnancy because it would mean that Bo is still alive and well inside of me.  I know I can't get upset with them for posting and saying these things, but it hurts me.  It hurts because it seems like they are not fully enjoying their pregnancy and their baby, which they probably are (to the best of their abilities) because they have not experienced what I have.

While there are many more struggles I could delve into, I would rather talk about the encouragement now. What I have received from so many has been extremely helpful, comforting, supportive, and healing.  Many ladies reached out to me after my miscarriage.  Ladies that I never knew had been through similar situations.  Ladies who took the time to say, "I am sorry for your loss.  I have been through something similar.  I am here if you need to talk."  That is the most comforting.  To know that somebody is willing to listen to you and talk with you.

While talking can be very beneficial for grieving mothers (fathers, parents, etc.), it can also be very harmful.  Something I learned after my miscarriage.  Other types of encouragement that helped were online support groups, hugs (virtual hugs were sometimes better than real ones because these women knew what I was and am going through), acknowledging my baby (Bo did exist, and he still does), and accepting my grief and me for who I am.  The grief is there.  It will probably always be there.  It will get easier, but I do not believe the grief will ever go away until I am in Heaven with my Savior and my baby.  And, I will always be who I am.  Nobody can change that.  

The things I've learned...

Before, during, and after my miscarriage, I heard, saw, and read many things that I did not know before.  Many terms I had never heard are now becoming a part of my daily life.  Here are a list of several things I had never heard of until after I was pregnant.

Did you know?

• A miscarriage is commonly referred to as a spontaneous abortion {source}.
• Women can have missed miscarriages, also known as missed abortions {source}.
• I had a missed miscarriage.  My baby's heart stopped at 7 weeks, but I did not have my miscarriage until I was almost 12 weeks.  My baby continued to grow until he was measuring 9 weeks, but he did not have a heart beat.  So, I was actually 12 weeks along when I had my miscarriage, but I always say that I was 9 weeks because that is how big my baby was.
• Some pregnancies can be considered failed pregnancies or "incompatible with life" {source}.
• Two terms I hate very much and will be writing about in another blog post.  Luckily, I never heard these terms from my doctors.
• Rainbow babies are babies born after miscarriage, still birth, and babies lost early in life {source}.
• I cannot wait to start TTC my Rainbow baby.  I am a Rainbow baby myself, so I know it is possible.  I also know that God will bless me when the time is right!
• You don't know exactly how it feels until you have been there yourself.
• I have lost other relatives (including my brother and papa), so I know how it feels to lose someone, but the grief from losing a child is so much different.
• If your child has passed away, you are not alone.  Whether it is miscarriage, abortion, still-birth, infant loss, or even losing an adult child, there are others who have been there.
• I did not realize, until after my miscarriage, how often it happens.  I also did not know how many support groups there are and how many people are willing to help you through the grieving process.

There are still several things I am learning, as well. Things about my body, my life, my thoughts, my dreams, my emotions, and my health.  Things that I need to know, but wish that I didn't.

Walking With You: Introduction & Where I am Now

So, for the next 6 weeks (1 post a week), I will be linking up with Sufficient Grace Ministries for the Walking With You Series.

The topic this week is:

January 7, 2013 ~ Introduction and Where are You Now?

Tell us a little about yourself, your baby, and how you've come to this walk.  Also, where are you now in your grief and healing?  Are you new to this, still in the depths of fresh grief?  Have you been walking the path awhile?

I am Kayla Yow.  I am 26 years old.  I live in California with my fiance, but I am originally from North Carolina.  If you would like to know more about us and how we met, you can read the posts, A Boy & A Girl and How We Met.

Our baby's name is Bo Ortiz.  I was only 9 weeks pregnant when I had a miscarriage.  We were not able to find out the sex of our baby, but we wanted him or her to have a name and a Certificate of Life. 

We were overjoyed when we found out we were pregnant, so we told everyone, not realizing that about 8 weeks later we would be telling everybody that our baby had went to Heaven.

My miscarriage happened on 11/21/12, a day I will never forget.  Some days it feels like it has been years since it happened, while other days it feels like it just happened yesterday.

The grief is overwhelming some days.  There are triggers that set it off, like seeing someone announce that they are pregnant, seeing ultrasound and baby bump pictures, hearing a certain song, and  even going to the grocery store.

But, the healing is there, too.  I have God, my fiance, my mom, family, friends, online support groups, and many other women I have met who have traveled this journey as well.

I know I just have to take it one day {sometimes even one hour} at a time.

Happy New Year!

I'm still not sure how I feel about the New Year!

I am excited, while I am also sad.

I should be in between 15 and 18 weeks pregnant.

I should be planning a baby shower, looking at cute baby clothes, and getting giddy over finding out the sex of my child.

I should have a cute little baby bump, and I should be picking out maternity clothes.

Instead, all I have are pictures, memories, and the 6 to 8 pounds that I gained during my short 12 week pregnancy.

I have grief, sadness, anger, disappointment, and jealousy, but I also have comfort, love, support, happiness, and joy.

I have some of the best family and friends anyone could ask for.  My fiance is wonderful.  And, I have met so many other women like me.  Women who have had miscarriages or lost their children in other ways.  Women who offer words of encouragement, comfort, and support.

But, most of all, I have God.  And, He is always on my side.  Even when I stray, He stays.  He waits.  And, He is always there!

I want to thank all of these people.  I have personally (or as personally as I can) thanked most of them.  But, without these people, I don't believe that I would be where I am today.  So, thank you!  From the bottom of my heart, I appreciate what you have done for me!

I may not be pregnant.  I did have a miscarriage, and my child went to Heaven, but it is a blessing to know that Bo is with God right now.  And to know that when the time is right, I will be blessed with another pregnancy and a child.

While this New Year is a sad time for me, it is also a happy time.

A time to move forward.  To help others.  To offer comfort and support.  To continue to heal.  A time to live my life with my fiance, enjoy each other, and enjoy all of the blessings that we have been given.

So, Happy New Years!

May God bestow many blessings and miracles upon you this year!