Walking With You: Overcoming Guilt and Embracing Joy

January 28, 2013 ~ Overcoming Guilt & Embracing Joy

One area so many mothers struggle with is guilt, especially those who experience the loss of a baby/child.  We want to address this struggle in this post.  It will help mothers quietly battling guilt for living life and experiencing joy to know they are not alone.  Other moms silently battle this as well.  Whether it is the startling first time you really laugh after losing your child, or whether you have experienced the healing balm of joy for years, share your thoughts on this week's post.


"Whether it is the startling first time you really laugh after losing your child..."  It is kind of funny that this is in the description of what I am supposed to write about.  The first time I remember really laughing after my miscarriage, it shocked me.  I abruptly stopped because the sound was so foreign to me.  It was too joyous.  My baby had just died.  How could I be laughing?  I was supposed to be grieving, not celebrating!  How could I enjoy life when my baby did not get that chance?  So many questions, thoughts, and concerns went through my head.  I felt so guilty.  I began crying.  I sobbed.

I felt like a failure!

Guilt.  It can sneak up on you.  It does sneak up on you.  It has happened several times between my miscarriage and now, just 2 months, 1 week, and 4 days later.

I felt guilty about having my miscarriage.  Maybe I did something wrong.  Did I do something wrong?  I don't know.  I would like to think that I did everything right, but I don't know.  Could I have done something different?  Could I have ate better?  Could I have stopped drinking coffee and sodas completely?  Could I have exercised more or less?  Would any of it helped?

I felt guilty about telling certain people and forgetting to tell others.
I felt guilty about failing my baby.
I felt guilty that my body could not carry my baby full-term.
I felt guilty that even though I could get pregnant, I could not deliver a healthy baby.

I felt like a failure!

One day, I felt so down that I just started sobbing.  My fiance sat down beside me and asked me what was wrong.  I told him, "I am a failure!"  He asked me what I was talking about.  In between sobs, I rambled off something like this:

I am a failure.
I failed at being a mom.
I failed at being pregnant.
I failed at being a daughter.
I failed at being a sister.
I failed at being an aunt.
I failed at being your girl-friend/fiance.
I failed at being a student.
I failed at life.
I AM A FAILURE!

This was one of my weakest moments.  Just writing about it now makes some of those feelings come back.  It makes my cry.  I am not sobbing this time, but the tears are definitely there.

The guilt and the grief were too much.  I could not handle it, so I would just break down and cry.  I would listen to songs that would make me cry.  Sometimes I would feel like I wasn't crying enough.  How could I truly be grieving if I wasn't crying?  Then there were some days when I thought that I was letting it all consume me.  I thought that I was thinking too much, doing too much, crying too much.

Luckily, I can say that I no longer feel like a failure.  I now laugh and enjoy life.  I know that I have to.  I know that Bo would want me to.  I still have days where I cry, where I feel down, where I just want to curl up in a ball in bed and sleep for days.  But, I am doing better!

I look at life differently now.  I do my best to enjoy every minute of it because it is a gift!  We are not promised tomorrow!  I love deeper, I laugh harder, I live fully!  I do this because Bo didn't get the chance.  I do my best to live my life in a way that would make Bo proud!