Monday, February 11, 2013

Walking With You: Finding Hope & Healing

February 11, 2013 ~ Finding Hope and Healing (With or Without a Rainbow)

For this post, we will share our experiences with longing for another baby to fill our empty arms.  Some experienced a subsequent pregnancy after loss.  Some may be fearful of embarking on that journey again.  Some may not be able to have another child, whether due to infertility or other reasons.  Some may have found that having another baby, however precious a gift, was not the key to healing the grief.  Can you experience hope and healing...even if there is no rainbow after the storm?



Oh, how I want to be a mother to a child on earth.  I have always wanted to be a mom.  That was my dream as a child.  To grow up, get married, and have children.  I honestly thought that by this time in my life (at the age of 26), I would have at least one child.  But, if I am going to be really honest, I thought that I would be done having children by now.  I thought I would have my own home, with a husband, and 2.5 kids.  But, instead, I live with my fiance, in a house that he rents, and we have 1 child in Heaven and our furry child here with us.

I can't say that I am not happy because I am.  But, I am also sad.  

My thoughts about being a mother have changed since my baby died.  They actually changed a few years back (before my miscarriage) around the time that I was 23, but they have definitely changed even more now.  You see, I did not think that I could get pregnant.  For a long time, I thought that I would never have a child of my own.  Not a biological, blood, created by me & my partner, carried in my womb child.

Then, I got pregnant.  I couldn't believe it.  God had given me such a great gift, blessing, and miracle.  I was pregnant.  I was going to have a child of my own.  Guess again.  I had a miscarriage.  My child was born into Heaven.  He never experienced this earth outside of my womb.

Do I want a baby?  Yes.  Do I want to get pregnant, carry my baby full-term, give birth, and raise my own child on earth?  Yes.  Do I want this right now?  I don't know.

I am scared, anxious, nervous, and not sure if I am ready to have a baby.  If I get pregnant again, I know that I will be so scared.  Scared that the same thing will happen.  Scared that I will not be able to protect my child, again.

If we do not or cannot get pregnant again, we are open to adoption. So many children need homes, and we are more than willing to adopt a child and provide a home.  And, if worse comes to worse, I believe I will be fine with us just being together.  As much as I would love a child, I know that I can be happy with just my fiance and me.

After all is said and done, though, I know everything will happen on God's time.  I am trusting in Him to guide me and give me what I need to do His will.  He will provide hope and healing to me, no matter what, as long as I have faith and believe in Him.

12 comments:

  1. I believe that if you can find peace with just you and your fiancé, you have already found a special peace, that most can't find. Continue trusting in God, and He will give you the exact plan that was purposed for your life. Your faith, can strengthen many in your life... not only the baby loss community. <3

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    1. Jennifer,

      Thank you so much! I am finding that peace. I had already accepted it before I got pregnant. And, I know that I will see my child one day. The ultimate gift has already been given to me. All I have to do is keep my eyes on Jesus, and I will receive my gifts! Thanks again!

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  2. I think one of the hardest things is accepting what God has for us even if it's not what we would have wanted. Whether God has a rainbow in store for you or not I hope He can give you peace.

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    1. Thank you, Holly! I am learning to accept His will and finding peace in it!

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  3. Yes...it is so hard to surrender and accept when the answers are not what our hearts long for. Praying for you...that God would lead your path and continue to comfort your heart.

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  4. The fear is so strong, but no matter what happens-God will not leave you. I know my rainbow baby pregnancy was so scary-but I leaned into the fear and God met me there. You will be scared, but that is alright because you will lean on God more. I pray that God will allow you to grow your family and one day mother a child on this Earth. I am hoping for you! Thank you for sharing your heart.

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    1. Thank you, RyAnne! I am hoping when that time comes, I can fully rely on God, so that I can enjoy my pregnancy! Thanks again!

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  5. Kayla, I know that God has some pretty amazing things in store for you and your family. I know you probably don't always feel young... but you are super young still. I really encourage you to try to enjoy this time in your life and to not feel that your have to stick to a plan. You have an incredible faith... I pray that you never lose that! Love to you..

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    1. Catherine,

      Thank you! I know I am young, and my fiance is even younger {he is 3 years younger than me}, but sometimes I just feel so behind. It is another one of those comparison things. Most of the people I graduate with are already married, settled down, and have at least 1 child. But, I know by waiting, I am doing the right thing. No good thing happens overnight, and it cannot be rushed! Thank you for the prayers! And, love to you as well! <3

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  6. Kayla, thank you for sharing your heart and thoughts. We can always trust God with our lives and the lives of our children. No matter what happens, He is good always, He is in control, and He desires what's best. I pray one day you get your rainbow baby, if that's what you truly feel you want. I have enjoyed Walking With You for this series and look forward to continuing to walk with you.

    Much love and hugs,
    Hannah Rose

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    1. Hannah,

      Thank you! I have really enjoyed this walk and participating with you, as well. Love & hugs to you too! <3

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