Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas to my Angel!  I love and miss you, Bo!

I know it is the day after Christmas, but I avoided Facebook, my blog, and my computer, in general, the past two days {well, I avoided them as much as I could}.

I really did not want to see pictures of pregnant women in cute outfits, standing with their partners in front of the tree, or posts about the pregnancies and what everyone got for Christmas.

I just really wasn't in the mood.  It made it even worse when AF decided to drop by on the 23rd and she hasn't left yet.  I honestly did not think I would be seeing her since I am on the depo shot.  With her coming, I got that reminder that, "Hey! You're not pregnant anymore!  Oh, and guess what?  You are on the depo shot, so no getting pregnant in the near future either!"  It was a horrible feeling.

Flat out, it sucked and it still sucks!

So, I celebrated Christmas in my own way.  I wished our Lord a Happy Birthday.  And, I told my Angels {Bo, James, Papa, and all the others} Merry Christmas, I love them, and I missed them!

And, I didn't do much else.

But, I am a little upset.  Upset because I could not go home to see my family (who I live over 3,000 miles away from).  Upset because I haven't even heard from some of my family (who I thought would call me, but they haven't - and I know it is a two-way street, so I am upset at myself too).  Upset because of the family that I did talk to, only a few of them asked me how I was doing.

But, I know everybody has their own life and their own struggles.  This is my struggle.  I cannot ask someone to bear it with me.  It is not their struggle to bear.  It is mine.  And, I will continue to deal with it.  I will continue to seek support from the online groups I have joined.  I will continue to pray for healing, comfort, and strength.  I will continue to rely on God because in life, He is the only one who will not leave your side.

I think of you...

I think of you...

*Every time we go grocery shopping {I used to love to go down the baby aisle - now I avoid it like the plague}.

*Every time I have to go to a doctor's appointment {or any other appointment - such as WIC, because in Cali, I still get it for 6 months after the miscarriage}.

*Every time I use a WIC check {especially at the little 99 cents store down the road because they give me 3 free diapers for every WIC check I use there}.

*Every time I get on Facebook {many of my friends are pregnant, and I am happy for them, but it is still painful to see all the ultrasound pics and posts about babies}.

*Every time I see a pregnant woman {and sometimes I want to smack them...at my last doctor's appointment when I got my lab results and the depo shot, I sat in the waiting room for a bit, as always, because the health department is so busy - there was a younger lady and an older lady sitting there talking - the younger lady was pregnant and she was saying how fat she was - the older lady said something along the lines of "you are 6 months pregnant.  you are not fat."  - I personally wanted to smack the lady because she was smaller than me - I wanted to tell her to count her blessings for being tiny and having a healthy pregnancy - Not all woman are so lucky!}.

And several other times, such as...

*When a random stranger passes me holding a toy, asking if I have children.

*When I look at the Christmas tree and your stocking.

*When I check the calendar - it's been almost a month, but it feels like it just happened yesterday.

*When I see a mom who is not paying attention to her child {also happened at one of my doctor's appointments - she was talking to another female - a friend or family member - and her son was running around the office like a wild child, running in and out of the front doors, running into people, throwing his toys, etc.}.

*When I look at my belly {and I know you are not there, and it hurts, but I know you are in Heaven watching over me}.

I think of you all throughout the day,

and I miss you terribly.

<3 I love you, Baby Ortiz. <3

An Angel for my Angel

I crocheted an angel ornament/tree topper in remembrance of our angel.  Right now, the angel is serving as our tree topper, and after the tree is taken down, I will hang the angel in our bedroom.

Along with crocheting the angel, I wrote a poem to be put in Baby Ortiz's stocking.

Here is the poem:

My Baby, My Angel

It was the day before Thanksgiving,

When I got the news,

I had lost my baby,

He was gone way too soon.

Daddy was there to help Mommy,

But there was nothing he could do.

We tried our very best,

To do everything for you.

The doctors said you were gone,

I couldn’t believe my ears,

But I remember all of the pain,

I remember all of the tears.

I don’t know why you left so soon,

But I miss you oh so much,

I think about you all the time,

I want to feel your touch.

I want to hold your hand,

And hug away your pain,

I want to kiss your face so gently,

As I say your name

I want to tell you that I love you,

All throughout the day,

To tell you how much I need you,

I needed you to stay.

But, God had other plans,

When He gave me you,

He knew what I needed more,

An Angel to guide me through.

So, now when I think of you,

I know you are in Heaven,

Watching over Mommy & Daddy,

Giving us direction.

A beautiful angel,

With wings so pearly white,

A halo made of gold,

Shining very bright.

Mommy and Daddy love you,

we miss you every day,

we can’t wait to meet you,

when we come home to stay.

So until we get there,

Please keep guiding us through,

Helping us live our lives,

Until the day we meet you.