Day 3: Pregnancy Photo

Day 3:  Pregnancy Photo

June 3, 2013

I love all of my pregnancy photos, but I chose these two to share today!

My pregnancy photos are so important to me because they are the only photos I have of Bo!

They mean so much to me!

I am so happy that I decided to take so many photos of myself while I was pregnant, and if I had known then what I know now, I would have taken even more photos!

You may not be able to see it, but I can clearly remember what I was feeling when these photos were taken!

I was so happy that my baby was growing inside of me!  I was so thrilled to have this miracle to call my own!

I was and am so in love with my baby boy, Bo!

Day 2: Pregnancy Test

Day 2:  Pregnancy Test

June 2, 2013

On 9.30.12, at around 10:30 P.M., I took this pregnancy test.  It immediately showed positive.

I was in shock and awe, but I was so happy!

I was thrilled!

I had my Unexpected Miracle!

I still have my Unexpected Miracle, but now he is also my Guardian Angel!

I love & miss him, daily!

Day 1: Sunrise

June 1, 2013

Day 1:  Sunrise

I did not get to bed until after 2 A.M. this morning, so I was lucky to have briefly woken up to take this picture {then, I went back to bed}!

I am so happy that I did go take this picture, though, even though I was so tired.

This picture reminds me how lucky I am!  I am able to live another day, even though my baby boy is not!

I can live for him & me!

I can live my life to the fullest, since he did not get a chance to!

June 30 Day Photo Challenge

For the month of June, I have decided to do a 30 day photo challenge.

June 6, 2013 is Bo's EDD.  On this day, I should be welcoming my baby boy into the world, but instead I will be holding a memorial to honor & remember his life and his importance.

The whole reason for the photo challenge is to honor Bo's life.  To show the world that he is important, even if it is only to me!

If anyone would like to join me in doing this photo challenge, you are more than welcome to.  I would be honored to have you complete this with me, so that you can honor/remember your Angel too!

{If you do plan on completing this photo challenge, please let me know by posting a comment.  If you are posting on a blog,
Facebook page, Instagram, Twitter, etc., also leave the link or username, so we can all follow along with your challenge!}

Here is the photo/setup for the challenge:

1. Sunrise:  I am not much of a morning person, but I am going to do my best to get up and watch the sun rise and even capture it in a photo.  {If you are not a morning person, take a picture when you wake up!  Show us how the day looks!  Please add city/state/country to the photo when it is posted!}
2. Pregnancy Test:  This is my only proof that I was pregnant, so it is important for me to show this.  All I have is my pregnancy test and the paperwork from the doctors.  {If you don't have a pregnancy test or paperwork from the doctor, take a photo of something similar that is important!}
3. Pregnancy Photo:  You cannot tell that I am pregnant in my photos, but I remember the changes in my body.  I remember these special memories as Bo grew inside of me, and I tried to capture these moments in photos.  {Share what you are comfortable sharing.  It does not matter if anyone can tell you are pregnant in the photo!}
4. Name/Photo:  I don't have my ultrasound photos, but I love to see Bo's name, so I will be posting some photos of his name! {Again, share what you are comfortable sharing!  If you don't want to share your sonogram, post a photo of your baby's name. - If you do post a photo of your ultrasound picture, I suggest watermarking it before doing so!}
5. Letter to baby:  I am going to write Bo a letter, telling him how much he means to me.  {Write your baby/child a letter!  You don't have to share it, if you don't want to!  You can share a sentence, a paragraph, the whole letter, or none of it at all!}
6. Due Date/Angelversary:  June 6 is Bo's EDD.  On this day, I should be welcoming my baby boy into my arms and into this world, but instead I will be holding his memorial.  {Share your Angel's special dates!}
7. Sacred Space/Shrine:  Bo's has a special corner in our bedroom.  All of his beautiful items that I have to remember him are put here.  {Does your baby/child have a special place in your room/home?  Would you mind sharing it with us?}
8. Signs/Dreams:  Not easy to capture this in a photo, but I will be describing the dreams that I had that were my first indication of me being pregnant.  {Have you ever dreamed of your Angel or received a sign from them?}
9. Poem:  I love to write, so I will be writing Bo a poem.  I may also share one of my favorite poems I have found online!  {What is your favorite poem for your Angel?  Did you write it?}
10. Artwork:  I will be taking photos of the artwork I have done for Bo.  I am not very artistic, but I do love to doodle.  {Have you drawn/colored/doodled anything in memory of your Angel?}
11. Symbol:  I have a couple of special symbols that always remind me of Bo.  {Any symbols remind you of your baby/child?  Angels, stars, butterflies, teddy bears, etc.?}
12. Stuffed Animal:  When I was born, I was given a stuffed animal from my family.  I still have this stuffed animal to this day!  Bo has a couple of stuffed animals already, but he will be receiving another in honor of his EDD.  {Do you have a favorite stuffed animal for your Angel?}
13. Clouds:  So soft, fluffy, and white.  I always thought about playing on the clouds when I was younger, bouncing around and laying on them.  Now, I think about Bo doing the same!  {If you are participating, would you mind taking a picture or some pictures of the clouds where you are?}
14. Night/Moon/Stars:  When I left the hospital after my miscarriage, it was dark and cold.  It made my world feel even darker and colder.  I used to not be able to sleep at night for fear of nightmares.  Now, I try to embrace the night.  It is such a beautiful time, when you can see all the stars or the city lights.  {Do you enjoy the night?  Show us how it looks to you!}
15. Light a candle:  I will be lighting a candle in memory of Bo and all other babies/children who have left this world too soon! {Please light a candle for all babies/children who have gone too soon!  Also, say a prayer or think positive thoughts for all the families that have to go through this pain!}
16. Father:  In honor of Father's Day, I will be posting a photo of Bo's daddy.  {Honor the father of your child!  Or, because I know every situation is different, honor your father, the father-figure in your life, or the father-figure for your Angel!}
17. Family portrait {before loss}:  I will be sharing some photos of my little family before our loss & while I was pregnant.  {What did your family look like before your loss?}
18. Family portrait {after loss}:  Here, I will be sharing our new family photos.  Bo is still included in them, even though most people would not know it!  {What does your family look like now, after your loss?}
19. Supportive family/friends:  I want to share my family & friends with you who have been there with me through everything.  {Who in your family/friends has been there for you?}
20. Supportive Community:  So many groups & programs have helped me through this journey that I am on, and I want to share them, so that others can receive the support that they need.  {Where did you go for support in the community?  Was it online or in your area?}
21. Jewelry:  I have a couple of pieces of jewelry that are very important to me and remind me of Bo.  {Do you have a special piece of jewelry that you wear?}
22. Memorial Items:  This will be a photo of the collection of items I have received in memory of Bo!  {What items have you received to honor/remember your baby?}
23. Treasured items from friends:  I have a couple of items that were sent to me from friends, just because!  These are the most treasured items, and I will be sharing a photo of them!  {What have you received that you treasure the most?}
24. Memorial:  I will be posting a photo of Bo's memorial that I will be doing on his EDD.  {Have you held a celebration/memorial/funeral for your Angel?  If you don't mind, will you share your photos with us?}
25. Special Place:  I always think of Bo when I visit a couple of places.  I will share these places in photos!  {Is there somewhere special that reminds you of your Angel?}
26. Garden/Flowers:  I have not planted anything, yet, in memory of Bo, for fear of it dying, too, but I am thinking about it!  I do have a couple of trees/flowers/bushes that make me think of him, though!  {Did you plant a tree, flowers, or anything in memory of your Angel?}
27. White Signs of Grief:  I will be taking a photo with my white sign of grief, and I will be submitting it to their blog.  {Here is how to submit!}
28. Certificate of Life:  I will be posting Bo's Certificate of Life.  Another item that shows Bo's importance to not only me, but others.  {If you are participating, you can post your baby's Certificate of Life, Birth Certificate, Death Certificate, or whatever you are comfortable posting!}
29. Blog/Facebook Page/Project:  Here I will be sharing the special projects that I started and am doing in honor of Bo!  {Please share your special projects; whatever you are doing to honor and remember your baby/child, while also helping other bereaved families!}
30. Sunset:  On the last day of the month, I will post a photo of how  it looks in my part of the world when the sun goes down.  Will you show me it how looks in your part of the world, too?  {Please add city/state/country to your photo when you post it!}

Just so you know, if you want to participate, you are more than welcome to!  There are no rules and no expectations.  You do not have to share with anyone, but we would love it if you do!  Also, you do not have to participate everyday!  You can pick and choose what you want to do! <3

A loss is a loss

A loss is a loss, so why are they treated differently.

A death is a death, so why are some deaths recognized, while others are treated as if nothing happened.

A person is a person, so why does it seem like some are more important than others.

I honestly hate the differences that are so apparent between losses/deaths.

When someone passes away, the family is giving so much to help them during their time of need.  People bring food, help take care of housework, help with the children, send sympathy cards, send flowers, offer support, call, attend the funeral, etc.

This happens for most deaths.

Most.

Not all.

You see, not all deaths are treated the same.

I had a miscarriage.  My baby died.  I was not that far along in my pregnancy {only 12 weeks when I had the miscarriage}, and my baby's heart stopped beating way before that {at a little over 7 weeks G.A.}.  But, why should that matter.

Read that paragraph again!  My baby's heart stopped beating.  He lived.  He died.

He is a person, just like everybody else.  So why was his death treated differently.

I wasn't able to have a funeral.  I didn't get that many phone calls.  I never received a sympathy card in the mail.  I never got flowers.  Nobody came to help me.  I did my own cooking and cleaning.

Why?

Why didn't people help me, like they help others when a loved one passes away?  Why wasn't my baby's death acknowledged?

Honestly, I don't know.  I don't have the answers.

But, I must keep living.  I must keep honoring and remembering Bo.  I must do the best that I can.

So, I have a memorial every month and on major holidays for Bo.  I remember him every day.  I miss him. I love him.

And, I do my best to help other BLMs.  To offer support, comfort, healing, hope, and encouragement.  To let them know that they are not alone on this journey.  To let them know that someone does care.  Someone does acknowledge them, their babies, and their losses.

I found this quote, and I think it fits some of what I am trying to say.

"Is the death of a fetus easier to endure than the death of an older child?  Is the grief of losing a limb greater than the grief of losing a life?  There is no such thing as greater or lesser grief.  One person's sadness is as great as another's."
- Author Unknown

Walking With You: Steps back into life

January 21, 2013 ~ Steps Back into Life

Share about your first steps back into life.  What helped you survive in the world outside as you took those first tender steps?  Are there still tender areas for you today, living in a world that doesn't embrace or understand the loss of a baby/child?  How do you cope with those struggles?  What advice would you offer those new to this walk to encourage and bring hope?  How has this changed for you from the beginning?  If you are in early grief, what do you fear/struggle with as you try to navigate a new normal....life without your baby?


My main fear is that Bo will not be remembered.

My main struggle is dealing with all of the pregnancies and babies around me.

I do not believe there will ever be a new "normal" for me.  I do not want to live my life without my baby.  For this reason, I have this blog.  I constantly talk about Bo.  I think about him all the time.  I want him to be remembered.  I want people to know that he is a person.  He is important.  He is loved.  He is missed.

I also struggle with the fact that miscarriage is such a taboo subject. Like I should be ashamed just for saying the word.

I thought that I had been doing well with my grief.  I thought that I was handling myself well.  I thought that I was handling my grief.  That I was embracing it, understanding it, dealing with it, working through it.  I thought.

Yesterday, I had a WIC appointment.  I had to go get my new vouchers.  I was sick.  My fiance was sick.  We did not want to go, but we made the trip anyways.  As I was sitting in the waiting area, I started to feel my chest tighten.  I couldn't breathe.  My vision was fading.  I couldn't see, clearly.  I felt like I was going to faint/black out.  I thought it was the sickness.  It had to be the cold that I had, but why was my vision going.  It was the first time that I had a panic attack, and I didn't immediately recognize it.  I did recognize it soon enough that I didn't faint, but it still took me longer than it ever has.  So, it was the sickness.  Just not the one I was thinking.  After I recognized what was going on, I started taking deep breaths and got it under control.  Not gone, but manageable.  

Just like my grief.  It will never be gone, but I have been able to manage.

After my WIC appointment, my fiance had a doctor's appointment. While we were there, I needed to set up an appointment for blood work {for WIC - to prove that my miscarriage happened and my blood and iron levels were back to normal}.  I was explaining to the receptionist what I needed, and I felt like I should have been ashamed.  She was asking another lady some questions about how to put it in the computer, what doctor I should see, etc., and she would not talk about it out loud.  She got out of her chair, walked over to the other lady, and was whispering.  After my panic attack earlier that day, I just wanted to scream.  "Why are we whispering?"  "Why should I be ashamed?"  "Why can't we talk about it?"

My baby died.  I know this.  With life, there is death.  I know this.  My baby is in Heaven. I know this.  So why are we so ashamed to talk about miscarriage and death.  Should I be ashamed that I had a miscarriage?  That my body was not able to carry my baby to full term?  That I did not have a living baby?  That my baby was not able to survive?  That my baby died?  Should I be ashamed?

Should I be ashamed?  That seems to be the million dollar question.  Well my answer is NO.  No woman should be ashamed to have a miscarriage or talk about it.  She should not feel the need to hide her grief, her pain, her anger, her anxiety, her panic, or her fears.  We should not feel the need to hide the fact that we had a miscarriage or to not talk about it.

In fact, I think that talking about it is a great idea.  I think that talking about it helps.  It heals.  So, for as long as I can, I will talk about miscarriage.  But, not just miscarriage in general.  I will talk about my miscarriage.  I will talk about my baby.  I will help others when I can.  

I will not stop, so don't ask me to!