June 30 Day Photo Challenge

For the month of June, I have decided to do a 30 day photo challenge.

June 6, 2013 is Bo's EDD.  On this day, I should be welcoming my baby boy into the world, but instead I will be holding a memorial to honor & remember his life and his importance.

The whole reason for the photo challenge is to honor Bo's life.  To show the world that he is important, even if it is only to me!

If anyone would like to join me in doing this photo challenge, you are more than welcome to.  I would be honored to have you complete this with me, so that you can honor/remember your Angel too!

{If you do plan on completing this photo challenge, please let me know by posting a comment.  If you are posting on a blog,
Facebook page, Instagram, Twitter, etc., also leave the link or username, so we can all follow along with your challenge!}

Here is the photo/setup for the challenge:

1. Sunrise:  I am not much of a morning person, but I am going to do my best to get up and watch the sun rise and even capture it in a photo.  {If you are not a morning person, take a picture when you wake up!  Show us how the day looks!  Please add city/state/country to the photo when it is posted!}
2. Pregnancy Test:  This is my only proof that I was pregnant, so it is important for me to show this.  All I have is my pregnancy test and the paperwork from the doctors.  {If you don't have a pregnancy test or paperwork from the doctor, take a photo of something similar that is important!}
3. Pregnancy Photo:  You cannot tell that I am pregnant in my photos, but I remember the changes in my body.  I remember these special memories as Bo grew inside of me, and I tried to capture these moments in photos.  {Share what you are comfortable sharing.  It does not matter if anyone can tell you are pregnant in the photo!}
4. Name/Photo:  I don't have my ultrasound photos, but I love to see Bo's name, so I will be posting some photos of his name! {Again, share what you are comfortable sharing!  If you don't want to share your sonogram, post a photo of your baby's name. - If you do post a photo of your ultrasound picture, I suggest watermarking it before doing so!}
5. Letter to baby:  I am going to write Bo a letter, telling him how much he means to me.  {Write your baby/child a letter!  You don't have to share it, if you don't want to!  You can share a sentence, a paragraph, the whole letter, or none of it at all!}
6. Due Date/Angelversary:  June 6 is Bo's EDD.  On this day, I should be welcoming my baby boy into my arms and into this world, but instead I will be holding his memorial.  {Share your Angel's special dates!}
7. Sacred Space/Shrine:  Bo's has a special corner in our bedroom.  All of his beautiful items that I have to remember him are put here.  {Does your baby/child have a special place in your room/home?  Would you mind sharing it with us?}
8. Signs/Dreams:  Not easy to capture this in a photo, but I will be describing the dreams that I had that were my first indication of me being pregnant.  {Have you ever dreamed of your Angel or received a sign from them?}
9. Poem:  I love to write, so I will be writing Bo a poem.  I may also share one of my favorite poems I have found online!  {What is your favorite poem for your Angel?  Did you write it?}
10. Artwork:  I will be taking photos of the artwork I have done for Bo.  I am not very artistic, but I do love to doodle.  {Have you drawn/colored/doodled anything in memory of your Angel?}
11. Symbol:  I have a couple of special symbols that always remind me of Bo.  {Any symbols remind you of your baby/child?  Angels, stars, butterflies, teddy bears, etc.?}
12. Stuffed Animal:  When I was born, I was given a stuffed animal from my family.  I still have this stuffed animal to this day!  Bo has a couple of stuffed animals already, but he will be receiving another in honor of his EDD.  {Do you have a favorite stuffed animal for your Angel?}
13. Clouds:  So soft, fluffy, and white.  I always thought about playing on the clouds when I was younger, bouncing around and laying on them.  Now, I think about Bo doing the same!  {If you are participating, would you mind taking a picture or some pictures of the clouds where you are?}
14. Night/Moon/Stars:  When I left the hospital after my miscarriage, it was dark and cold.  It made my world feel even darker and colder.  I used to not be able to sleep at night for fear of nightmares.  Now, I try to embrace the night.  It is such a beautiful time, when you can see all the stars or the city lights.  {Do you enjoy the night?  Show us how it looks to you!}
15. Light a candle:  I will be lighting a candle in memory of Bo and all other babies/children who have left this world too soon! {Please light a candle for all babies/children who have gone too soon!  Also, say a prayer or think positive thoughts for all the families that have to go through this pain!}
16. Father:  In honor of Father's Day, I will be posting a photo of Bo's daddy.  {Honor the father of your child!  Or, because I know every situation is different, honor your father, the father-figure in your life, or the father-figure for your Angel!}
17. Family portrait {before loss}:  I will be sharing some photos of my little family before our loss & while I was pregnant.  {What did your family look like before your loss?}
18. Family portrait {after loss}:  Here, I will be sharing our new family photos.  Bo is still included in them, even though most people would not know it!  {What does your family look like now, after your loss?}
19. Supportive family/friends:  I want to share my family & friends with you who have been there with me through everything.  {Who in your family/friends has been there for you?}
20. Supportive Community:  So many groups & programs have helped me through this journey that I am on, and I want to share them, so that others can receive the support that they need.  {Where did you go for support in the community?  Was it online or in your area?}
21. Jewelry:  I have a couple of pieces of jewelry that are very important to me and remind me of Bo.  {Do you have a special piece of jewelry that you wear?}
22. Memorial Items:  This will be a photo of the collection of items I have received in memory of Bo!  {What items have you received to honor/remember your baby?}
23. Treasured items from friends:  I have a couple of items that were sent to me from friends, just because!  These are the most treasured items, and I will be sharing a photo of them!  {What have you received that you treasure the most?}
24. Memorial:  I will be posting a photo of Bo's memorial that I will be doing on his EDD.  {Have you held a celebration/memorial/funeral for your Angel?  If you don't mind, will you share your photos with us?}
25. Special Place:  I always think of Bo when I visit a couple of places.  I will share these places in photos!  {Is there somewhere special that reminds you of your Angel?}
26. Garden/Flowers:  I have not planted anything, yet, in memory of Bo, for fear of it dying, too, but I am thinking about it!  I do have a couple of trees/flowers/bushes that make me think of him, though!  {Did you plant a tree, flowers, or anything in memory of your Angel?}
27. White Signs of Grief:  I will be taking a photo with my white sign of grief, and I will be submitting it to their blog.  {Here is how to submit!}
28. Certificate of Life:  I will be posting Bo's Certificate of Life.  Another item that shows Bo's importance to not only me, but others.  {If you are participating, you can post your baby's Certificate of Life, Birth Certificate, Death Certificate, or whatever you are comfortable posting!}
29. Blog/Facebook Page/Project:  Here I will be sharing the special projects that I started and am doing in honor of Bo!  {Please share your special projects; whatever you are doing to honor and remember your baby/child, while also helping other bereaved families!}
30. Sunset:  On the last day of the month, I will post a photo of how  it looks in my part of the world when the sun goes down.  Will you show me it how looks in your part of the world, too?  {Please add city/state/country to your photo when you post it!}

Just so you know, if you want to participate, you are more than welcome to!  There are no rules and no expectations.  You do not have to share with anyone, but we would love it if you do!  Also, you do not have to participate everyday!  You can pick and choose what you want to do! <3

Better & Worse

The past couple of months have been friendly to me.  I have been feeling better.  I am learning to cope with my grief.  I am learning to live with this whole in my heart and life.

But, the days are starting to get bad again.  Fears, stress, and sadness are creeping back in.  I am sure it has something to do with the dates that are coming up in the near future.

The next two months are going to be hard.  Very hard.

Mother's day, Bo's 6 month Angelversary, Bo's due date, and Father's day are all within a month of each other.

How do I cope with all of these days?  How am I supposed to act/react when I should be pregnant during the month of May and have a newborn come the month of June?

I guess I am going to do what I have been doing since my miscarriage.  Take it one day; one step at a time.  I am going to do my best to honor and remember my baby boy during this month of special dates, as I have since he went to Heaven.

So, please bear with me during these days.  They may get hard for me, so I will need your support, prayer & love most during these days!

Baby Dust by Deanna Roy

The other day, Wednesday, to be exact, I bought six books from Amazon.com.  Four of the books are related to miscarriages & pregnancy loss, and the other two are about pregnancy for first-time moms.  I figured these books would help me the most right now.  (While I will not be a first-time mom when I get pregnant again, most things that happen will be new to me.  I was only pregnant for 12 weeks when I had a miscarriage, so I missed out on the bigger things that happen during a pregnancy.)

Yesterday, I finished reading the book, Baby Dust:  A Novel about Miscarriage and Stillbirth by Deanna Roy.  This book was absolutely amazing.  Incredible.  Beautiful.

As I was reading the book, I kept thinking, "Yep.  That happened to me," or "That is exactly what I thought when I had my miscarriage," or "Wow!  I am not so crazy, after all!"

This book made me realize that no matter what, I did what I had to do to survive during my miscarriage, and that it was okay.  I was okay.  I was not crazy!

So, if you have not read this book, please go check it out.  Right now, in honor of International Women's Day, the eBook version is half-price (only $2.99) and is on sale for 48 hours only (according to A Place for Our Angels - Miscarriage and Stillbirth Memorials).  Even if you cannot buy the book right now, the normal price for the eBook version is only $5.99.

And, if you do not have a Kindle (I do not have one), you can get the Kindle reading app for free for your Computer, Smartphone, or Tablet.  I read books on my computer, then when I am tired of sitting at the computer, I switch to the phone.  That way, I can read while lying in bed, riding the bus, or sitting in a doctor's office.  It is wonderful!

I did not lose my child

I hate that term.
Loss.
I didn't lose my child.
But yet, I use it all the time.
We all do.

Why?

Because we dislike the term death more.
Nobody wants to hear about death.
Nobody wants to talk about death.
Even though death is a part of life.


Miscarry.
That is another term I hate.
I didn't miscarry my child, either.
I carried my baby the best way that I knew how.

But, I will still say that I had a miscarriage over my baby died.
I still say that I lost my baby, even though I didn't.
I know exactly where my baby is.  He is in Heaven.

So, even though I may still say that I lost my baby, I didn't.
And, even though I may still say that I miscarried my baby, I didn't.

My baby died.
I did nothing wrong.
I don't know why my baby died.
I have no explanation.
But, I do know where my baby is.
And, I know that I will see him again, one day!

A loss is a loss

A loss is a loss, so why are they treated differently.

A death is a death, so why are some deaths recognized, while others are treated as if nothing happened.

A person is a person, so why does it seem like some are more important than others.

I honestly hate the differences that are so apparent between losses/deaths.

When someone passes away, the family is giving so much to help them during their time of need.  People bring food, help take care of housework, help with the children, send sympathy cards, send flowers, offer support, call, attend the funeral, etc.

This happens for most deaths.

Most.

Not all.

You see, not all deaths are treated the same.

I had a miscarriage.  My baby died.  I was not that far along in my pregnancy {only 12 weeks when I had the miscarriage}, and my baby's heart stopped beating way before that {at a little over 7 weeks G.A.}.  But, why should that matter.

Read that paragraph again!  My baby's heart stopped beating.  He lived.  He died.

He is a person, just like everybody else.  So why was his death treated differently.

I wasn't able to have a funeral.  I didn't get that many phone calls.  I never received a sympathy card in the mail.  I never got flowers.  Nobody came to help me.  I did my own cooking and cleaning.

Why?

Why didn't people help me, like they help others when a loved one passes away?  Why wasn't my baby's death acknowledged?

Honestly, I don't know.  I don't have the answers.

But, I must keep living.  I must keep honoring and remembering Bo.  I must do the best that I can.

So, I have a memorial every month and on major holidays for Bo.  I remember him every day.  I miss him. I love him.

And, I do my best to help other BLMs.  To offer support, comfort, healing, hope, and encouragement.  To let them know that they are not alone on this journey.  To let them know that someone does care.  Someone does acknowledge them, their babies, and their losses.

I found this quote, and I think it fits some of what I am trying to say.

"Is the death of a fetus easier to endure than the death of an older child?  Is the grief of losing a limb greater than the grief of losing a life?  There is no such thing as greater or lesser grief.  One person's sadness is as great as another's."
- Author Unknown

What has helped

After I went in for my first ultrasound and heard the horrible news that they couldn't find my baby's heartbeat, I started scouring the internet.  I wanted to find as much information as I could to prepare myself for the worst.  I did my best to find as much information as I could.  BUT, no matter how much I did, how much I found, or how much I read, there was nothing I could have done to prepare me for the day that I had my miscarriage.

After I had my miscarriage, I turned to God, family, and friends, and once again, I found myself scouring the internet.  I knew that I was going to need help getting through this.  AND, I realized that there is no "getting through this," there is only "learning to live with it."  And, I am still finding my way to "live with it."

But, I have found so many resources to help me through the grieving process.  And, I wanted to share these resources that I have found with all of you.  There are so many support groups, blogs, songs, quotes, and poems that I have found that have helped me.

Support Groups:  Search online - Search Facebook - And, if you would like to know some of the ones that I have joined, send me an e-mail.  I will be glad to give you the names of them.  Also, try Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope.  They have Face2Face Groups, where not only can you join an online community, but if you are able to, you can go to events for more support.

Quotes:  As I scoured the internet, I found so many quotes.  Here are some of my favorites!

*Just think, the first time he opened his eyes, he saw God!*
- Authour Unknown

*Do not judge the bereaved mother.  She comes in many forms.  She is breathing, but she is dying.  She may look young, but inside she has become ancient.  She smiles, but her heart sobs.  She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS, but she IS NOT, all at once.  She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity.*
- Author Unknown

*An angel with the book of life wrote down my baby's birth, then whispered as she closed the book, "too beautiful for earth."*
- Author Unknown

Poems:  I like to write, so I have written some for my baby.  Here is a link to the poem I wrote, "My Baby, My Angel."  And, here is a link to a poem that I found that I really loved, ♥What Makes A Mother♥ by Jennifer Wasik.

Songs:  All of the songs listed can be found on Youtube.com.  You can click each link to find them.

"Still" by Gerrit Hofsink
"Hug Him Once For Me"
"Small Bump" by Ed Sheeran
"Glory Baby" by Watermark
"Who You'd Be Today" by Kenny Chesney

Blogs:  Here are links to some of my favorite blogs.  Now, these are not all of the blogs that I follow or read, but just a few that I have found that really help.  There are so many that you can find, just by searching for blogs about miscarriage, stillbirth, infant loss, etc.

Sufficient Grace Ministries
Tossie's Tree and Painted Rocks
Pinwheels from Heaven
Precious Baby Alanna Phoebe
Tesha's Treasures
Small Bird Studios

I did not write a description for any of these because I just cannot come up with words that would describe them effectively.  They are all great blogs.  Please go check them out, if you haven't already.

All of these resources have helped me and are continuing to help me.  I hope that they can help you as well.  And, if you have any other great resources that helped you, please share them in the comments below!  Thank you all!

The things I've learned...

Before, during, and after my miscarriage, I heard, saw, and read many things that I did not know before.  Many terms I had never heard are now becoming a part of my daily life.  Here are a list of several things I had never heard of until after I was pregnant.

Did you know?

• A miscarriage is commonly referred to as a spontaneous abortion {source}.
• Women can have missed miscarriages, also known as missed abortions {source}.
• I had a missed miscarriage.  My baby's heart stopped at 7 weeks, but I did not have my miscarriage until I was almost 12 weeks.  My baby continued to grow until he was measuring 9 weeks, but he did not have a heart beat.  So, I was actually 12 weeks along when I had my miscarriage, but I always say that I was 9 weeks because that is how big my baby was.
• Some pregnancies can be considered failed pregnancies or "incompatible with life" {source}.
• Two terms I hate very much and will be writing about in another blog post.  Luckily, I never heard these terms from my doctors.
• Rainbow babies are babies born after miscarriage, still birth, and babies lost early in life {source}.
• I cannot wait to start TTC my Rainbow baby.  I am a Rainbow baby myself, so I know it is possible.  I also know that God will bless me when the time is right!
• You don't know exactly how it feels until you have been there yourself.
• I have lost other relatives (including my brother and papa), so I know how it feels to lose someone, but the grief from losing a child is so much different.
• If your child has passed away, you are not alone.  Whether it is miscarriage, abortion, still-birth, infant loss, or even losing an adult child, there are others who have been there.
• I did not realize, until after my miscarriage, how often it happens.  I also did not know how many support groups there are and how many people are willing to help you through the grieving process.

There are still several things I am learning, as well. Things about my body, my life, my thoughts, my dreams, my emotions, and my health.  Things that I need to know, but wish that I didn't.

Post Miscarriage Doctor's Appointments

If you didn't see My Miscarriage Story, you can read it by clicking the link.

After my miscarriage on 11/21/12, I had a couple of follow up visits with the doctor to make sure I was okay.

My first doctor's visit was on Tuesday, 11/27/12.  I went in and had my weight and blood pressure checked, then the nurse proceeded to hand me a cup for a urine sample.  I had not expected this.  I should have, but I just had a miscarriage, so I was not thinking.  I did not expect to have to tell anyone at the doctor's office but the OB/GYN NP about my miscarriage, but at this point I had to let my nurse know as well.  I looked up timidly, and stated, "I had a miscarriage the day before Thanksgiving.  Do you still need a urine sample?"  She said no, told me she was very sorry for my loss, and took me to my room.

The doctor came in shortly after.  She offered her condolences, talked with me and my fiance for a bit about the miscarriage and how we were, then sent me to have blood taken.

On Tuesday, 12/4/12, I went in again to have blood drawn.

Thursday, 12/6/12, the last appointment for the month.  I went in to talk to my OB/GYN NP about my lab results to see if I miscarried all tissue or if I would need a D&C.  My blood work showed that my HCG levels were at 9 (normal for a women who is not pregnant is 5 or below).  To ensure that everything was fine, the doctor wanted me to take a pregnancy test (instead of having blood drawn again).  The pregnancy test was negative.  The doctor said I was fine.  She suggested that I go on the depo shot to get my progesterone levels back up, if I did not want to try to get pregnant again right away.

Honestly, I wanted to try again right away.  I still kind of do, but I knew by getting the depo shot, I was helping my body heal, both physically and emotionally from the miscarriage.  So, I got the depo shot.  For the next three months (if not more), I will have time to heal and prepare for when we want to try to get pregnant again.

Thanksgiving Day 2012

The day after my miscarriage.

After getting over 12 hours of sleep, I woke up a little after 12 in the afternoon.  {I didn’t sleep the whole night, but I tossed and turned.  I had an alarm set for midnight reminding me that I would have been 12 weeks pregnant according to my LMC, as if I could forget, but I had forgotten about it after all that I had been through.  I had set this alarm after I first found out I was pregnant.  It was not the best alarm to receive after the miscarriage, and it set my emotions into a tailspin again.}

As soon as I got up, I started cleaning and cooking.  I did my best to keep my mind off of the miscarriage and everything that had happened, but first I had to call my mom and talk to her.  It was not as emotional as I thought it was going to be {I believe that I had cried all I could for the time being}.  So, I cleaned up the kitchen, and I began cooking our {my fiancé and my} Thanksgiving’s dinner.  I spent pretty much the whole day in the kitchen cooking, cleaning, cooking some more, and cleaning some more.

After all that I had been through, though, I was still thankful.  I am still thankful for the blessings bestowed upon me by God.

My Miscarriage Story

WARNING:  This post may contain some details and information that are considered graphic and explicit in nature to some individuals.

On 9/30/12, I took a pregnancy test after being 3 days late on my cycle.  Lo and behold, it was positive.  I couldn’t believe it because of my history (I had been told that I might not be able to get pregnant).  Now with my fiancé and soul mate (I met him in May 2012 and moved in with him June of 2012), I ended up pregnant after only 4 months, and we weren’t even trying (Again, I didn’t think I could get pregnant, and my fiancé also didn’t think he could have children).

Everything was going fine, until 11/7/12.  I went in for my first ultrasound, and according to my LMC, I was supposed to be 9W6D.  The ultrasound showed that the baby was only measuring 7W3D.  And, there was no heartbeat showing.  The doctor did not seem positive, but I was.  On Saturday, 11/17/12, I started bleeding after sex.  I totally freaked and ended up in the ER.  They did my ultrasound and said that I was measuring 9W, but there was no heartbeat.  Again, I remained positive.  I had faith in God (and I still do).  They told me to go back to my doctor to have blood tests done to check my HCG levels and to have another ultrasound done.  I already had an ultrasound scheduled for 11/20/12, so I called my doctor to schedule appointments for my blood work.

On 11/20/12, I went in for my ultrasound.  The news was not good.  The baby measured 9W2D as it should, but again there was no heartbeat or fetal activity.  The doctor began talking about a D&C and several other things that I cannot even remember because I blanked out.  I walked out of the office crying for the second time, but I was also professing that God was in control.  No matter what happened, God was and is in control.

That night, I started bleeding more heavily and clotting.  I also started cramping some.  Not enough to get worried according to the doctors I saw when I went to the ER, but enough that I knew what was happening.  I went to bed with a very heavy heart.  The next morning (11/21/12) I woke up, woke up my fiancé, and told him we had to get back to the hospital.  I was having a miscarriage, and I knew it.  We walked to the bus stop (we don’t have a car, and I was not in a lot of pain, so I was trying not to call 911), and we took the first bus to our stop for the next bus ride, which would take us to the hospital I had recently been to.  While waiting for the bus at the bus stop, I started to feel very nauseous, dizzy, light-headed, and I seriously thought I was going to pass out.  Luckily we were right at another hospital.

I barely made it to the back of the hospital.  I was sweating profusely, but had cold chills.  I was blacking out.  I could barely walk due to the pain that I was in.  I was cramping so much it felt like I was being ripped apart from the inside out.  I also thought that I was going to vomit everywhere, and I had nothing on my stomach but some Mountain Dew.  And, I was crying my eyes out.  My fiancé is frantically trying to find a door to get in the hospital, but they were all locked (we were in the back of the hospital).  As he was trying to find a door and some help, a lady walked by in a knee-length, white coat (I assumed she was a doctor, but I don’t know.  I do know for a fact she was an employee of the hospital).  I called out to this lady for help.  “Ma’am, can you please help me?”  She looked at me, turned her head, and kept walking.  This happened a couple of times.  I watched as this lady scanned her ID and went into one of the doors that my fiancé had knocked on and tried to open.  She had something in her hands, so I figured she was going to put it down, and she was going to come back.  She didn’t.  As a matter of fact, I never saw this lady again at the hospital after that point.  {I wanted to add this part in because I feel that this lady needs prayer.  And, a lot of it.  I hope that she is never like this with her patients.  I pray that she opens her heart and finds the strength and courage she needs to help others who are in need.}

After about 5 minutes of searching (it felt like hours), my fiancé found someone to help me.  Two very nice security guards showed up with a wheelchair and rushed me to the ER, where I was treated by some friendly and some not-so friendly staff.  For the most part, everyone did what they could to make sure that I was okay.  I was given morphine for the pain and an IV to keep fluids in me.  The doctor and nurse checked me and stated that I was bleeding way too much, so they moved me to a bed in the main ER area.  They hooked me up to a couple of machines that kept check of my heart rate and my blood pressure.

After about an hour or two, the doctor came in and said that my blood work was fine, so he was going to put some medicine in me to slow the bleeding, which he did.  It worked, and within the next hour I was in another room with the OB/GYN having a pelvic exam done to make sure everything was okay.  She said that I was fine.  My cervix was still dilated to a 2, but that was normal, and it would close on its own.  My doctor came back in and told me I was being released.  The nurse came back in shortly after that and gave me my release papers, checked my vitals, and said I was good to go home.

I went home that night, I cried, and I went to bed.

My Angel in Heaven

I did not know when, or even if, I would be ready to post my story.  It is still so fresh, and so many things make me think about my baby and how it could have been.  But, I know that many women go through similar situations, and I just hope that it will help these women, their partners, and anyone else who has or is grieving the loss of a baby or child.  Also, I hope that it will help in my healing process.

I wanted to post this first, before I post my story, because I will be going into some details about the miscarriage.  Some of these details may be too graphic or explicit for some individuals, but I want to post everything.  

So many women experience miscarriages, but not very many of them seem to talk about it.  I want to share my story because it is important to me, and I want other women to know that they are not alone.

According to the American Pregnancy Association, "the chances of having a miscarriage can range from 10-25%," (source).  That means that between 1 out of 10 and 1 out of 4 pregnancies result in miscarriage.

{source}

{source}

I am a mommy.  I have a beautiful Angel baby watching over me from Heaven.  I never got to hold my baby, hug or kiss him or her here on Earth, but I know one day, I will get to see, hold, hug, and kiss him or her, when we meet again in Heaven.

This is our story...