Baby Dust by Deanna Roy

The other day, Wednesday, to be exact, I bought six books from Amazon.com.  Four of the books are related to miscarriages & pregnancy loss, and the other two are about pregnancy for first-time moms.  I figured these books would help me the most right now.  (While I will not be a first-time mom when I get pregnant again, most things that happen will be new to me.  I was only pregnant for 12 weeks when I had a miscarriage, so I missed out on the bigger things that happen during a pregnancy.)

Yesterday, I finished reading the book, Baby Dust:  A Novel about Miscarriage and Stillbirth by Deanna Roy.  This book was absolutely amazing.  Incredible.  Beautiful.

As I was reading the book, I kept thinking, "Yep.  That happened to me," or "That is exactly what I thought when I had my miscarriage," or "Wow!  I am not so crazy, after all!"

This book made me realize that no matter what, I did what I had to do to survive during my miscarriage, and that it was okay.  I was okay.  I was not crazy!

So, if you have not read this book, please go check it out.  Right now, in honor of International Women's Day, the eBook version is half-price (only $2.99) and is on sale for 48 hours only (according to A Place for Our Angels - Miscarriage and Stillbirth Memorials).  Even if you cannot buy the book right now, the normal price for the eBook version is only $5.99.

And, if you do not have a Kindle (I do not have one), you can get the Kindle reading app for free for your Computer, Smartphone, or Tablet.  I read books on my computer, then when I am tired of sitting at the computer, I switch to the phone.  That way, I can read while lying in bed, riding the bus, or sitting in a doctor's office.  It is wonderful!

Peace

 

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.  I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. - Jesus, John 14:27 (NIV)

For now I would be lying down in peace; I would be asleep and at rest. - Job 3:13 (NIV)

The God of peace be with you all. Amen. - Romans 15:33 (NIV)


A couple of weeks ago, I went through a horrible emotional and physical battle.  The grief and emotional toil were unbearable.  The pain was so bad, that I started to feel it physically.  I became sick.

After talking to my fiance & crying for around an hour, I felt somewhat better, but I was still physically sick.  And, the emotional pain was still lingering.

I was lying down trying to go to sleep, but the pain would not go away.  I laid there for a while, and I started to pray.  I asked God to comfort me.  To give me His peace so that I could rest.  So that I could deal with everything that was going on.

And, as always, He delivered.  I felt so relaxed & comforted.  I was finally able to go to sleep and get some rest after I received peace from the Lord.

Today, my wish to all my BLM friends is that you receive peace and comfort from the Lord as I have.

God bless each of you!  Love & hugs! <3

Three Months

Bo has now been in Heaven for longer than he was on earth.
For longer than he spent in my womb.

It has been 13 weeks and 1 day since my miscarriage.
I would be 25 weeks pregnant today.

Today, I should be registering gifts for my baby shower.  Planning the details, like what food would be served, what the theme would be, and who to invite.

Instead, I had a memorial for my baby boy.  I spent time thinking about him and doing things in his memory.

Brick Wall picture I did for Bo <3

Bo's origami coyote I made him

Bo's pebbles <3

Bo with his coyote

Bo's memory box I made him

 

Bo's memory box full of the special items

Bo's table

We love and miss you, Bo!  We think of you each and every day.
Happy 3 month Angelversary, baby boy! <3

Walking With You: Finding Hope & Healing

February 11, 2013 ~ Finding Hope and Healing (With or Without a Rainbow)

For this post, we will share our experiences with longing for another baby to fill our empty arms.  Some experienced a subsequent pregnancy after loss.  Some may be fearful of embarking on that journey again.  Some may not be able to have another child, whether due to infertility or other reasons.  Some may have found that having another baby, however precious a gift, was not the key to healing the grief.  Can you experience hope and healing...even if there is no rainbow after the storm?



Oh, how I want to be a mother to a child on earth.  I have always wanted to be a mom.  That was my dream as a child.  To grow up, get married, and have children.  I honestly thought that by this time in my life (at the age of 26), I would have at least one child.  But, if I am going to be really honest, I thought that I would be done having children by now.  I thought I would have my own home, with a husband, and 2.5 kids.  But, instead, I live with my fiance, in a house that he rents, and we have 1 child in Heaven and our furry child here with us.

I can't say that I am not happy because I am.  But, I am also sad.  

My thoughts about being a mother have changed since my baby died.  They actually changed a few years back (before my miscarriage) around the time that I was 23, but they have definitely changed even more now.  You see, I did not think that I could get pregnant.  For a long time, I thought that I would never have a child of my own.  Not a biological, blood, created by me & my partner, carried in my womb child.

Then, I got pregnant.  I couldn't believe it.  God had given me such a great gift, blessing, and miracle.  I was pregnant.  I was going to have a child of my own.  Guess again.  I had a miscarriage.  My child was born into Heaven.  He never experienced this earth outside of my womb.

Do I want a baby?  Yes.  Do I want to get pregnant, carry my baby full-term, give birth, and raise my own child on earth?  Yes.  Do I want this right now?  I don't know.

I am scared, anxious, nervous, and not sure if I am ready to have a baby.  If I get pregnant again, I know that I will be so scared.  Scared that the same thing will happen.  Scared that I will not be able to protect my child, again.

If we do not or cannot get pregnant again, we are open to adoption. So many children need homes, and we are more than willing to adopt a child and provide a home.  And, if worse comes to worse, I believe I will be fine with us just being together.  As much as I would love a child, I know that I can be happy with just my fiance and me.

After all is said and done, though, I know everything will happen on God's time.  I am trusting in Him to guide me and give me what I need to do His will.  He will provide hope and healing to me, no matter what, as long as I have faith and believe in Him.

Two Months

Some days it feels like it was just yesterday, while other days I feel like it has been forever.  Today, I am having both of these feelings, which is weird.  I cannot believe it has been two months because it feels like it just happened, while it also seems like it was so long ago and just a distant memory.

Today is Bo's two month Angelversary.  He is celebrating his second month in Heaven with all of the other Angels, Jesus, and God.  I know my brother and papa are looking over him up there until I can get there!

This morning, when I woke up, I did not want to get out of bed.  I seriously debated sleeping all through the day until tomorrow arrived.  I did not feel good at all.  I did not get much sleep, my throat has been so sore, and I have been running a slight fever everyday this week, not to mention the cramps and twinges that I have been having in my lower abdomen.  BUT, my wonderful fiance mentioned pancakes.  And, I wanted some.  So, I got out of bed.

I got a cup of coffee, and shortly after I woke up, my fiance started making pancakes, which most of them turned out disastrous.  {Let me just mention, he is awesome at making pancakes, so this was unusual.  We think we need new pans!}  But, he did get one pancake to turn out okay.  And, that was all I needed.

My horrible cutting skills, but this is Bo's 2 month Angelversary pancake that we shared.

After eating pancakes, I went back to bed.  I napped for about 3 to 4 hours, when I woke up sobbing.  I had a horrible dream, where I was so upset and sad about today, and I had nobody to talk to.  It seemed like nobody cared or wanted to listen to me.  Then, a women (that I do not know) grabbed me and hugged me.  She was talking to me, telling me everything is okay, and she helped me to feel better.  When she hugged me and was talking to me, I immediately thought of the support groups that I have joined and all of the other BLMs that I have connected with.  I thought about how they all make me feel better.  How I do not know these women, but they are able to give me hugs (virtual hugs, but they are still hugs) and talk to me, encourage me, support me, and comfort me.  So, even though I was still crying, upset, and disoriented, I was also calm, at ease, and felt very peaceful.

Tonight, I decided to take pictures of the moon and Jupiter and Bo's candle.  Something that really calmed me down.  I am forewarning you, there is a picture frenzy below!

Jupiter is top-right of the moon.  I noticed after I took the pic and was looking over them, the swirlies in the bottom-left of the picture.  It made me think of an Angel flying around up there.

 

The best picture I got of the moon and Jupiter.  The wind was blowing so hard, and it was chilly, so I was shaking.  So that is why all of the others are so blurry and swirly!

Zoomed in and cropped the best picture, so that the moon and Jupiter are more visible.

Bo's candle sitting by a tree.

With the flash.

 Dear Bo,

Mommy and Daddy love and miss you very much!  We can't wait until we can meet you, see you, touch you, hug you, kiss you, and talk to you!  Until that day, please watch over us, keep us safe, and guide us where we need to go!

We love you, Bo, our perfect Angel!

Walking With You: Introduction & Where I am Now

So, for the next 6 weeks (1 post a week), I will be linking up with Sufficient Grace Ministries for the Walking With You Series.

The topic this week is:

January 7, 2013 ~ Introduction and Where are You Now?

Tell us a little about yourself, your baby, and how you've come to this walk.  Also, where are you now in your grief and healing?  Are you new to this, still in the depths of fresh grief?  Have you been walking the path awhile?

I am Kayla Yow.  I am 26 years old.  I live in California with my fiance, but I am originally from North Carolina.  If you would like to know more about us and how we met, you can read the posts, A Boy & A Girl and How We Met.

Our baby's name is Bo Ortiz.  I was only 9 weeks pregnant when I had a miscarriage.  We were not able to find out the sex of our baby, but we wanted him or her to have a name and a Certificate of Life. 

We were overjoyed when we found out we were pregnant, so we told everyone, not realizing that about 8 weeks later we would be telling everybody that our baby had went to Heaven.

My miscarriage happened on 11/21/12, a day I will never forget.  Some days it feels like it has been years since it happened, while other days it feels like it just happened yesterday.

The grief is overwhelming some days.  There are triggers that set it off, like seeing someone announce that they are pregnant, seeing ultrasound and baby bump pictures, hearing a certain song, and  even going to the grocery store.

But, the healing is there, too.  I have God, my fiance, my mom, family, friends, online support groups, and many other women I have met who have traveled this journey as well.

I know I just have to take it one day {sometimes even one hour} at a time.

Happy New Year!

I'm still not sure how I feel about the New Year!

I am excited, while I am also sad.

I should be in between 15 and 18 weeks pregnant.

I should be planning a baby shower, looking at cute baby clothes, and getting giddy over finding out the sex of my child.

I should have a cute little baby bump, and I should be picking out maternity clothes.

Instead, all I have are pictures, memories, and the 6 to 8 pounds that I gained during my short 12 week pregnancy.

I have grief, sadness, anger, disappointment, and jealousy, but I also have comfort, love, support, happiness, and joy.

I have some of the best family and friends anyone could ask for.  My fiance is wonderful.  And, I have met so many other women like me.  Women who have had miscarriages or lost their children in other ways.  Women who offer words of encouragement, comfort, and support.

But, most of all, I have God.  And, He is always on my side.  Even when I stray, He stays.  He waits.  And, He is always there!

I want to thank all of these people.  I have personally (or as personally as I can) thanked most of them.  But, without these people, I don't believe that I would be where I am today.  So, thank you!  From the bottom of my heart, I appreciate what you have done for me!

I may not be pregnant.  I did have a miscarriage, and my child went to Heaven, but it is a blessing to know that Bo is with God right now.  And to know that when the time is right, I will be blessed with another pregnancy and a child.

While this New Year is a sad time for me, it is also a happy time.

A time to move forward.  To help others.  To offer comfort and support.  To continue to heal.  A time to live my life with my fiance, enjoy each other, and enjoy all of the blessings that we have been given.

So, Happy New Years!

May God bestow many blessings and miracles upon you this year!

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas to my Angel!  I love and miss you, Bo!

I know it is the day after Christmas, but I avoided Facebook, my blog, and my computer, in general, the past two days {well, I avoided them as much as I could}.

I really did not want to see pictures of pregnant women in cute outfits, standing with their partners in front of the tree, or posts about the pregnancies and what everyone got for Christmas.

I just really wasn't in the mood.  It made it even worse when AF decided to drop by on the 23rd and she hasn't left yet.  I honestly did not think I would be seeing her since I am on the depo shot.  With her coming, I got that reminder that, "Hey! You're not pregnant anymore!  Oh, and guess what?  You are on the depo shot, so no getting pregnant in the near future either!"  It was a horrible feeling.

Flat out, it sucked and it still sucks!

So, I celebrated Christmas in my own way.  I wished our Lord a Happy Birthday.  And, I told my Angels {Bo, James, Papa, and all the others} Merry Christmas, I love them, and I missed them!

And, I didn't do much else.

But, I am a little upset.  Upset because I could not go home to see my family (who I live over 3,000 miles away from).  Upset because I haven't even heard from some of my family (who I thought would call me, but they haven't - and I know it is a two-way street, so I am upset at myself too).  Upset because of the family that I did talk to, only a few of them asked me how I was doing.

But, I know everybody has their own life and their own struggles.  This is my struggle.  I cannot ask someone to bear it with me.  It is not their struggle to bear.  It is mine.  And, I will continue to deal with it.  I will continue to seek support from the online groups I have joined.  I will continue to pray for healing, comfort, and strength.  I will continue to rely on God because in life, He is the only one who will not leave your side.

Thanksgiving Day 2012

The day after my miscarriage.

After getting over 12 hours of sleep, I woke up a little after 12 in the afternoon.  {I didn’t sleep the whole night, but I tossed and turned.  I had an alarm set for midnight reminding me that I would have been 12 weeks pregnant according to my LMC, as if I could forget, but I had forgotten about it after all that I had been through.  I had set this alarm after I first found out I was pregnant.  It was not the best alarm to receive after the miscarriage, and it set my emotions into a tailspin again.}

As soon as I got up, I started cleaning and cooking.  I did my best to keep my mind off of the miscarriage and everything that had happened, but first I had to call my mom and talk to her.  It was not as emotional as I thought it was going to be {I believe that I had cried all I could for the time being}.  So, I cleaned up the kitchen, and I began cooking our {my fiancé and my} Thanksgiving’s dinner.  I spent pretty much the whole day in the kitchen cooking, cleaning, cooking some more, and cleaning some more.

After all that I had been through, though, I was still thankful.  I am still thankful for the blessings bestowed upon me by God.