After I went in for my first ultrasound and heard the horrible news that they couldn't find my baby's heartbeat, I started scouring the internet. I wanted to find as much information as I could to prepare myself for the worst. I did my best to find as much information as I could. BUT, no matter how much I did, how much I found, or how much I read, there was nothing I could have done to prepare me for the day that I had my miscarriage.
After I had my miscarriage, I turned to God, family, and friends, and once again, I found myself scouring the internet. I knew that I was going to need help getting through this. AND, I realized that there is no "getting through this," there is only "learning to live with it." And, I am still finding my way to "live with it."
But, I have found so many resources to help me through the grieving process. And, I wanted to share these resources that I have found with all of you. There are so many support groups, blogs, songs, quotes, and poems that I have found that have helped me.
Support Groups: Search online - Search Facebook - And, if you would like to know some of the ones that I have joined, send me an e-mail. I will be glad to give you the names of them. Also, try Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope. They have Face2Face Groups, where not only can you join an online community, but if you are able to, you can go to events for more support.
Quotes: As I scoured the internet, I found so many quotes. Here are some of my favorites!
*Just think, the first time he opened his eyes, he saw God!*
- Authour Unknown
*Do not judge the bereaved mother. She comes in many forms. She is breathing, but she is dying. She may look young, but inside she has become ancient. She smiles, but her heart sobs. She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS, but she IS NOT, all at once. She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity.*
- Author Unknown
*An angel with the book of life wrote down my baby's birth, then whispered as she closed the book, "too beautiful for earth."*
- Author Unknown
Poems: I like to write, so I have written some for my baby. Here is a link to the poem I wrote, "My Baby, My Angel." And, here is a link to a poem that I found that I really loved, ♥What Makes A Mother♥ by Jennifer Wasik.
Songs: All of the songs listed can be found on Youtube.com. You can click each link to find them.
"Still" by Gerrit Hofsink
"Hug Him Once For Me"
"Small Bump" by Ed Sheeran
"Glory Baby" by Watermark
"Who You'd Be Today" by Kenny Chesney
Blogs: Here are links to some of my favorite blogs. Now, these are not all of the blogs that I follow or read, but just a few that I have found that really help. There are so many that you can find, just by searching for blogs about miscarriage, stillbirth, infant loss, etc.
Sufficient Grace Ministries
Tossie's Tree and Painted Rocks
Pinwheels from Heaven
Precious Baby Alanna Phoebe
Tesha's Treasures
Small Bird Studios
I did not write a description for any of these because I just cannot come up with words that would describe them effectively. They are all great blogs. Please go check them out, if you haven't already.
All of these resources have helped me and are continuing to help me. I hope that they can help you as well. And, if you have any other great resources that helped you, please share them in the comments below! Thank you all!
Showing posts with label helping. Show all posts
Showing posts with label helping. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Thursday, December 27, 2012
How to Help when Talking
After my miscarriage, a couple of people have told me that they just did not know what to say to me, so they didn't say anything at all. Besides that, some people would say the worst things possible. Things that really hurt. So, after talking to some friends and receiving some help, I have come up with some things that are helpful to say to someone who has experienced a loss and some things that were very hurtful and not helpful at all.
What to Say
*I am very sorry for your loss* - This is the most simple, but it is also one of the most beneficial.
*I don't know what to say* - Be honest, but also be there.
*I am thinking of you* - Just let the person know you care.
*If you ever want to talk, I am here to listen* - Don't just say this. Actually be there to listen. No matter what. When a person experiences loss, they go through many stages. They could be happy, sad, angry, crying, or laughing. They could also be all of these at the same time. Just be there. They will appreciate it.
*I can't imagine what you are going through* - Again, be honest. Let them know that you don't know how they feel, but that you care.
*Other things that helped are hugs, shoulders to cry on, and asking if they need help with anything like cooking or cleaning (then follow through with helping them).*
What NOT to Say
*You can always try again (At least you're young, you can always have more)* - Some women can't try to get pregnant again, and if they can, it doesn't mean that they did not want their Angel baby. Plus they will have all these new fears, if and when, they do get pregnant again.
*Everything happens for a reason (Some things just aren't meant to be)* - While this seems like a good thing to say, it does not always make the person feel better (especially if they don't know the reason or can't find out the reason).
*You were lucky* - I do not know what makes people think you were lucky when you lost a child, but there is nothing lucky about it. Even though I was blessed that I did not bleed more or receive permanent damage from the miscarriage, I was not lucky when I lost my child. And neither were any of the other women who lost their children.
*At least you weren't that far along* - It does not matter how far along a women is in her pregnancy, she is carrying a human being, a person, another life inside of her. Whether she loses her child when she is 2 weeks pregnant or 32 weeks pregnant, she has lost apart of herself. She has lost a child.
*It's for the best (it's a good thing)* - Another very inconsiderate thing to say. I'm sure the best thing to happen was not losing a child. Even if the parents could not afford to raise a child, they do not want their child to pass away.
*You should be thankful for the children you do have* - I am sure that all moms know this. If they have other children, I am sure they are thankful for them. Probably even more thankful for them after the loss.
*You just weren't ready to have children* - Many woman have unplanned pregnancies, but it does not mean that they aren't ready. Most of the time, motherly instincts kick in immediately, and mothers do everything in their power to become ready for their children. We would do anything for our children. And, I mean anything.
*It's not okay to cry, be sad, or be angry* - Unless you have been in the situation, you don't know how it feels. You don't know the emotions that women, men, and families go through. It is okay to cry. It is okay to be sad. It is okay to be angry. And, it is okay to show these emotions!
*It's your fault* - This was not personally said to me, and I am so happy it wasn't because I may have punched the person that said it. I mean how stupid and inconsiderate could you be. Remember, if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all.
*Other things that hurt and do not help are when people pretend they don't see you, they don't talk to you, or they refuse to acknowledge your child. Don't avoid the subject because you think you will be reminding mothers about their child because trust me they do not forget. They will never forget. And, acknowledge their child. If a mother has named her child, use the child's name when talking about him or her. It lets the mother know that you care.*
Thank you to all of the ladies who gave me their input and helped me with this post. Thank you Tracy Wantenaar, Cathy, and all of the other ladies who would like to remain anonymous.
What to Say
*I am very sorry for your loss* - This is the most simple, but it is also one of the most beneficial.
*I don't know what to say* - Be honest, but also be there.
*I am thinking of you* - Just let the person know you care.
*If you ever want to talk, I am here to listen* - Don't just say this. Actually be there to listen. No matter what. When a person experiences loss, they go through many stages. They could be happy, sad, angry, crying, or laughing. They could also be all of these at the same time. Just be there. They will appreciate it.
*I can't imagine what you are going through* - Again, be honest. Let them know that you don't know how they feel, but that you care.
*Other things that helped are hugs, shoulders to cry on, and asking if they need help with anything like cooking or cleaning (then follow through with helping them).*
What NOT to Say
*You can always try again (At least you're young, you can always have more)* - Some women can't try to get pregnant again, and if they can, it doesn't mean that they did not want their Angel baby. Plus they will have all these new fears, if and when, they do get pregnant again.
*Everything happens for a reason (Some things just aren't meant to be)* - While this seems like a good thing to say, it does not always make the person feel better (especially if they don't know the reason or can't find out the reason).
*You were lucky* - I do not know what makes people think you were lucky when you lost a child, but there is nothing lucky about it. Even though I was blessed that I did not bleed more or receive permanent damage from the miscarriage, I was not lucky when I lost my child. And neither were any of the other women who lost their children.
*At least you weren't that far along* - It does not matter how far along a women is in her pregnancy, she is carrying a human being, a person, another life inside of her. Whether she loses her child when she is 2 weeks pregnant or 32 weeks pregnant, she has lost apart of herself. She has lost a child.
*It's for the best (it's a good thing)* - Another very inconsiderate thing to say. I'm sure the best thing to happen was not losing a child. Even if the parents could not afford to raise a child, they do not want their child to pass away.
*You should be thankful for the children you do have* - I am sure that all moms know this. If they have other children, I am sure they are thankful for them. Probably even more thankful for them after the loss.
*You just weren't ready to have children* - Many woman have unplanned pregnancies, but it does not mean that they aren't ready. Most of the time, motherly instincts kick in immediately, and mothers do everything in their power to become ready for their children. We would do anything for our children. And, I mean anything.
*It's not okay to cry, be sad, or be angry* - Unless you have been in the situation, you don't know how it feels. You don't know the emotions that women, men, and families go through. It is okay to cry. It is okay to be sad. It is okay to be angry. And, it is okay to show these emotions!
*It's your fault* - This was not personally said to me, and I am so happy it wasn't because I may have punched the person that said it. I mean how stupid and inconsiderate could you be. Remember, if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all.
*Other things that hurt and do not help are when people pretend they don't see you, they don't talk to you, or they refuse to acknowledge your child. Don't avoid the subject because you think you will be reminding mothers about their child because trust me they do not forget. They will never forget. And, acknowledge their child. If a mother has named her child, use the child's name when talking about him or her. It lets the mother know that you care.*
Thank you to all of the ladies who gave me their input and helped me with this post. Thank you Tracy Wantenaar, Cathy, and all of the other ladies who would like to remain anonymous.
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