4 Months

Yesterday, 3.21.12, was Bo's 4 month Angelversary.

I had been thinking about it coming up, but I didn't even realize it when the day got here.

I have to say, it is getting easier.  I guess that means I am healing.  Not forgetting.  But, learning to live this new life.

I still hurt.  Some days it still seems unbearable.  Other days, I am fine.  I know where Bo is, and I know I will see him again someday.

Yesterday, I received my ribbon from Gianna's Light.

The ribbon is so beautiful! <3

Then, today I got my bear from Project B.E.A.R.

It is so soft and cuddly! <3

I am happy to have gotten both of the items.  The items that I have gotten so far are really helping me to heal.  And, I am also happy to be healing.

I will never forget my baby.  I will always remember and honor his life.  My heart will always have a piece that is missing.  That is, until I get to Heaven with my baby.

Three Months

Bo has now been in Heaven for longer than he was on earth.
For longer than he spent in my womb.

It has been 13 weeks and 1 day since my miscarriage.
I would be 25 weeks pregnant today.

Today, I should be registering gifts for my baby shower.  Planning the details, like what food would be served, what the theme would be, and who to invite.

Instead, I had a memorial for my baby boy.  I spent time thinking about him and doing things in his memory.

Brick Wall picture I did for Bo <3

Bo's origami coyote I made him

Bo's pebbles <3

Bo with his coyote

Bo's memory box I made him

 

Bo's memory box full of the special items

Bo's table

We love and miss you, Bo!  We think of you each and every day.
Happy 3 month Angelversary, baby boy! <3

Two Months

Some days it feels like it was just yesterday, while other days I feel like it has been forever.  Today, I am having both of these feelings, which is weird.  I cannot believe it has been two months because it feels like it just happened, while it also seems like it was so long ago and just a distant memory.

Today is Bo's two month Angelversary.  He is celebrating his second month in Heaven with all of the other Angels, Jesus, and God.  I know my brother and papa are looking over him up there until I can get there!

This morning, when I woke up, I did not want to get out of bed.  I seriously debated sleeping all through the day until tomorrow arrived.  I did not feel good at all.  I did not get much sleep, my throat has been so sore, and I have been running a slight fever everyday this week, not to mention the cramps and twinges that I have been having in my lower abdomen.  BUT, my wonderful fiance mentioned pancakes.  And, I wanted some.  So, I got out of bed.

I got a cup of coffee, and shortly after I woke up, my fiance started making pancakes, which most of them turned out disastrous.  {Let me just mention, he is awesome at making pancakes, so this was unusual.  We think we need new pans!}  But, he did get one pancake to turn out okay.  And, that was all I needed.

My horrible cutting skills, but this is Bo's 2 month Angelversary pancake that we shared.

After eating pancakes, I went back to bed.  I napped for about 3 to 4 hours, when I woke up sobbing.  I had a horrible dream, where I was so upset and sad about today, and I had nobody to talk to.  It seemed like nobody cared or wanted to listen to me.  Then, a women (that I do not know) grabbed me and hugged me.  She was talking to me, telling me everything is okay, and she helped me to feel better.  When she hugged me and was talking to me, I immediately thought of the support groups that I have joined and all of the other BLMs that I have connected with.  I thought about how they all make me feel better.  How I do not know these women, but they are able to give me hugs (virtual hugs, but they are still hugs) and talk to me, encourage me, support me, and comfort me.  So, even though I was still crying, upset, and disoriented, I was also calm, at ease, and felt very peaceful.

Tonight, I decided to take pictures of the moon and Jupiter and Bo's candle.  Something that really calmed me down.  I am forewarning you, there is a picture frenzy below!

Jupiter is top-right of the moon.  I noticed after I took the pic and was looking over them, the swirlies in the bottom-left of the picture.  It made me think of an Angel flying around up there.

 

The best picture I got of the moon and Jupiter.  The wind was blowing so hard, and it was chilly, so I was shaking.  So that is why all of the others are so blurry and swirly!

Zoomed in and cropped the best picture, so that the moon and Jupiter are more visible.

Bo's candle sitting by a tree.

With the flash.

 Dear Bo,

Mommy and Daddy love and miss you very much!  We can't wait until we can meet you, see you, touch you, hug you, kiss you, and talk to you!  Until that day, please watch over us, keep us safe, and guide us where we need to go!

We love you, Bo, our perfect Angel!

One Month

Today is my baby's one month Angelversary.

I cannot believe it has been one month since my miscarriage.  It seems like it just happened yesterday.

On 12.12.12, Justin and I decided we wanted to enter our baby's name into the Book of Life at The Shrine of the Holy Innocents.

Since I was only 12 weeks pregnant, we do not know what the sex of the baby is.  So, we chose a name that we both liked.  We named our baby Bo Ortiz {I know both guys and girls named Bo, and the initials B.O. kept coming up because we always called the baby "Baby Ortiz," hence the name Bo}.

{Bo's Certificate of Life}

{Bo's Christmas stocking, crocheted heart, bracelet, and angel, heart rock, and candle}

I think of you...

I think of you...

*Every time we go grocery shopping {I used to love to go down the baby aisle - now I avoid it like the plague}.

*Every time I have to go to a doctor's appointment {or any other appointment - such as WIC, because in Cali, I still get it for 6 months after the miscarriage}.

*Every time I use a WIC check {especially at the little 99 cents store down the road because they give me 3 free diapers for every WIC check I use there}.

*Every time I get on Facebook {many of my friends are pregnant, and I am happy for them, but it is still painful to see all the ultrasound pics and posts about babies}.

*Every time I see a pregnant woman {and sometimes I want to smack them...at my last doctor's appointment when I got my lab results and the depo shot, I sat in the waiting room for a bit, as always, because the health department is so busy - there was a younger lady and an older lady sitting there talking - the younger lady was pregnant and she was saying how fat she was - the older lady said something along the lines of "you are 6 months pregnant.  you are not fat."  - I personally wanted to smack the lady because she was smaller than me - I wanted to tell her to count her blessings for being tiny and having a healthy pregnancy - Not all woman are so lucky!}.

And several other times, such as...

*When a random stranger passes me holding a toy, asking if I have children.

*When I look at the Christmas tree and your stocking.

*When I check the calendar - it's been almost a month, but it feels like it just happened yesterday.

*When I see a mom who is not paying attention to her child {also happened at one of my doctor's appointments - she was talking to another female - a friend or family member - and her son was running around the office like a wild child, running in and out of the front doors, running into people, throwing his toys, etc.}.

*When I look at my belly {and I know you are not there, and it hurts, but I know you are in Heaven watching over me}.

I think of you all throughout the day,

and I miss you terribly.

<3 I love you, Baby Ortiz. <3

An Angel for my Angel

I crocheted an angel ornament/tree topper in remembrance of our angel.  Right now, the angel is serving as our tree topper, and after the tree is taken down, I will hang the angel in our bedroom.

Along with crocheting the angel, I wrote a poem to be put in Baby Ortiz's stocking.

Here is the poem:

My Baby, My Angel

It was the day before Thanksgiving,

When I got the news,

I had lost my baby,

He was gone way too soon.

Daddy was there to help Mommy,

But there was nothing he could do.

We tried our very best,

To do everything for you.

The doctors said you were gone,

I couldn’t believe my ears,

But I remember all of the pain,

I remember all of the tears.

I don’t know why you left so soon,

But I miss you oh so much,

I think about you all the time,

I want to feel your touch.

I want to hold your hand,

And hug away your pain,

I want to kiss your face so gently,

As I say your name

I want to tell you that I love you,

All throughout the day,

To tell you how much I need you,

I needed you to stay.

But, God had other plans,

When He gave me you,

He knew what I needed more,

An Angel to guide me through.

So, now when I think of you,

I know you are in Heaven,

Watching over Mommy & Daddy,

Giving us direction.

A beautiful angel,

With wings so pearly white,

A halo made of gold,

Shining very bright.

Mommy and Daddy love you,

we miss you every day,

we can’t wait to meet you,

when we come home to stay.

So until we get there,

Please keep guiding us through,

Helping us live our lives,

Until the day we meet you.

My Angel in Heaven

I did not know when, or even if, I would be ready to post my story.  It is still so fresh, and so many things make me think about my baby and how it could have been.  But, I know that many women go through similar situations, and I just hope that it will help these women, their partners, and anyone else who has or is grieving the loss of a baby or child.  Also, I hope that it will help in my healing process.

I wanted to post this first, before I post my story, because I will be going into some details about the miscarriage.  Some of these details may be too graphic or explicit for some individuals, but I want to post everything.  

So many women experience miscarriages, but not very many of them seem to talk about it.  I want to share my story because it is important to me, and I want other women to know that they are not alone.

According to the American Pregnancy Association, "the chances of having a miscarriage can range from 10-25%," (source).  That means that between 1 out of 10 and 1 out of 4 pregnancies result in miscarriage.

{source}

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I am a mommy.  I have a beautiful Angel baby watching over me from Heaven.  I never got to hold my baby, hug or kiss him or her here on Earth, but I know one day, I will get to see, hold, hug, and kiss him or her, when we meet again in Heaven.

This is our story...