Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day!

May 12, 2013

For Mother's Day, I enjoyed the day relaxing, then went out to grab dinner with my fiance.

My fiance, our dog, and me on Mother's Day!

I called my mom to wish her a Happy Mother's Day!

Out of my family, she is the only one who wished me a Happy Mother's Day as well {not including my fiance}!

I was a little hurt that none of my other family called, text, or sent me a message to check on me this Mother's Day!  I guess I was just expecting a little more from them, but it is okay!  I had a wonderful day, anyways!  I have a wonderful community who supported me, thought about me, and sent me messages.

I even received some gifts for Mother's day from some of my friends.

Catherine from The Sacred Seashore & Gabriel's Garden sent me this photo!  It is so beautiful! <3

Bo's name was included in this photo, taken by one of the Moms, Brenda, who participated in the Mother's Day Name Event!  {I will be posting all the photos that I received through this event later in the month!}

Ballons on the beach from Gale @ Fittsies' Angel Balloons.  So beautiful! <3

You can see Bo's name on the bottom left side! <3

Painting from Kyla @ Tossie's Tree!  She is so talented with her paintings!  <3

Bo's Name plaque/statue from Catherine @ The Sacred Seashore & Gabriel's Garden! <3  I absolutely love this!  I stare at it daily! <3

Bo's Block from Maura Lynn's Baby Loss Memorial Blocks!

Here are some things I did myself:

I love seeing his name, and I thought this was so beautiful! <3  

A drawing I did on 5.10.13, while thinking about Mother's Day!  {No, I am not a artist! Please do not criticize my child-like drawing techniques!}

The status I wrote on Facebook for Mother's Day:

Happy Mother's Day to all the amazing Moms! 

To all the Moms who have children on Earth,

& especially to those who don't! 

To all the Moms who have children living at home,

& to those who don't! 

To all the Moms who want children, but cannot or have not 

had any! 

To all the Moms who have no children, but take care of 

everyone else's! 

To all the Moms who adopted instead of birthing! 

You are all Mothers! You are all beautiful! 

Happy Mother's Day to you! 

Happy Mother's Day to my baby boy!  Without you, I would 

not be a Mom!  Thank you, Bo, for making me a Mother!

International Bereaved Mother's Day

International Bereaved Mother's Day was Sunday, May 5, 2013.

To read more about International Bereaved Mother's Day and it's beginning, check out this post from CarlyMarie's blog.  You can also check out the Facebook page.

Overall, I was great on this day!  I think it is because I was focusing my energy and time on helping other Bereaved Mommies during the day!

I created several graphics for the day that anyone could use and share!

I also spent time making personal graphics for some individuals!  Here are the ones that I made for Bo! <3

I hope that all of you who celebrated International Bereaved Mother's Day had a very peaceful and gentle day!  Much love to you all!

Mommy loves & misses you, Bo!

Better & Worse

The past couple of months have been friendly to me.  I have been feeling better.  I am learning to cope with my grief.  I am learning to live with this whole in my heart and life.

But, the days are starting to get bad again.  Fears, stress, and sadness are creeping back in.  I am sure it has something to do with the dates that are coming up in the near future.

The next two months are going to be hard.  Very hard.

Mother's day, Bo's 6 month Angelversary, Bo's due date, and Father's day are all within a month of each other.

How do I cope with all of these days?  How am I supposed to act/react when I should be pregnant during the month of May and have a newborn come the month of June?

I guess I am going to do what I have been doing since my miscarriage.  Take it one day; one step at a time.  I am going to do my best to honor and remember my baby boy during this month of special dates, as I have since he went to Heaven.

So, please bear with me during these days.  They may get hard for me, so I will need your support, prayer & love most during these days!

Journal Entry: Grief is exhausting

Grief is exhausting.  Mentally, physically, & emotionally exhausting.  

It is also painful.  Very, very, very (I could go on all day) painful.

It hurts.  And not just a little.  A lot.  A whole lot.

Like deep down in your bones.  All through your muscles.

Straight into the heart.

Where the hole is.  The big hole.  A great big hole.

So big, it feels like I shouldn't have a heart.

Actually, it feels like I shouldn't be here.

I am in that hole.

It is bigger than me.

It consumes me.

Every fiber of my being is consumed by the great big hole.

The hole that is in my heart.

The hole that was left when my baby went to Heaven.

The hole that took the space.  The space in my life where my baby should be.

Bo is & will always be in my heart & life, but not in the way that most moms have their baby.

Instead of celebrating birthdays, holidays, milestones, good grades, etc., I spend time, effort, & money to remember my baby.

To honor his life & cherish the memories I have.

And, now I live with the grief & the pain.

Everyday.

It is there.

Some days are easier than others, but some days I just want to curl up in bed, forget the outside world, & sleep for days.

Walking With You: Finding Hope & Healing

February 11, 2013 ~ Finding Hope and Healing (With or Without a Rainbow)

For this post, we will share our experiences with longing for another baby to fill our empty arms.  Some experienced a subsequent pregnancy after loss.  Some may be fearful of embarking on that journey again.  Some may not be able to have another child, whether due to infertility or other reasons.  Some may have found that having another baby, however precious a gift, was not the key to healing the grief.  Can you experience hope and healing...even if there is no rainbow after the storm?



Oh, how I want to be a mother to a child on earth.  I have always wanted to be a mom.  That was my dream as a child.  To grow up, get married, and have children.  I honestly thought that by this time in my life (at the age of 26), I would have at least one child.  But, if I am going to be really honest, I thought that I would be done having children by now.  I thought I would have my own home, with a husband, and 2.5 kids.  But, instead, I live with my fiance, in a house that he rents, and we have 1 child in Heaven and our furry child here with us.

I can't say that I am not happy because I am.  But, I am also sad.  

My thoughts about being a mother have changed since my baby died.  They actually changed a few years back (before my miscarriage) around the time that I was 23, but they have definitely changed even more now.  You see, I did not think that I could get pregnant.  For a long time, I thought that I would never have a child of my own.  Not a biological, blood, created by me & my partner, carried in my womb child.

Then, I got pregnant.  I couldn't believe it.  God had given me such a great gift, blessing, and miracle.  I was pregnant.  I was going to have a child of my own.  Guess again.  I had a miscarriage.  My child was born into Heaven.  He never experienced this earth outside of my womb.

Do I want a baby?  Yes.  Do I want to get pregnant, carry my baby full-term, give birth, and raise my own child on earth?  Yes.  Do I want this right now?  I don't know.

I am scared, anxious, nervous, and not sure if I am ready to have a baby.  If I get pregnant again, I know that I will be so scared.  Scared that the same thing will happen.  Scared that I will not be able to protect my child, again.

If we do not or cannot get pregnant again, we are open to adoption. So many children need homes, and we are more than willing to adopt a child and provide a home.  And, if worse comes to worse, I believe I will be fine with us just being together.  As much as I would love a child, I know that I can be happy with just my fiance and me.

After all is said and done, though, I know everything will happen on God's time.  I am trusting in Him to guide me and give me what I need to do His will.  He will provide hope and healing to me, no matter what, as long as I have faith and believe in Him.

I want to help!

So many BLMs have helped me through my grieving process, and I am so very grateful to all of them for what they have done.  Knowing that Bo is being remembered by others really helps me.

And, it has made me want to help.  I know that I cannot do much, but I want to support other BLMs as they have supported me.  I want to offer something to them that will help to soothe their hearts and souls.  But, I don't know what I can do.

So, I am looking for ways to helps other BLMs {but not just mommies, I want to help anyone who has suffered the loss of a pregnancy, baby, or child}.  If you have any ideas on how I can help, please let me know.  I really just want to offer my support and encouragement.

I am also looking for volunteering opportunities.  I know that volunteering is different in all areas, so I am researching this myself,  but if you have any links or suggestions, please leave a comment below.

Again, thank you to all of the wonderful BLMs who have been there for me!

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Sidenote:  I have a camera.  It is nothing much, but I am in love with it, and I am in love with photography.  I was thinking of offering unique photographs.  I can add custom art and lettering to them with programs on my computer.  But, I see that so many people already offer this, that I am not sure if anyone would want one.

Walking With You: Steps back into life

January 21, 2013 ~ Steps Back into Life

Share about your first steps back into life.  What helped you survive in the world outside as you took those first tender steps?  Are there still tender areas for you today, living in a world that doesn't embrace or understand the loss of a baby/child?  How do you cope with those struggles?  What advice would you offer those new to this walk to encourage and bring hope?  How has this changed for you from the beginning?  If you are in early grief, what do you fear/struggle with as you try to navigate a new normal....life without your baby?


My main fear is that Bo will not be remembered.

My main struggle is dealing with all of the pregnancies and babies around me.

I do not believe there will ever be a new "normal" for me.  I do not want to live my life without my baby.  For this reason, I have this blog.  I constantly talk about Bo.  I think about him all the time.  I want him to be remembered.  I want people to know that he is a person.  He is important.  He is loved.  He is missed.

I also struggle with the fact that miscarriage is such a taboo subject. Like I should be ashamed just for saying the word.

I thought that I had been doing well with my grief.  I thought that I was handling myself well.  I thought that I was handling my grief.  That I was embracing it, understanding it, dealing with it, working through it.  I thought.

Yesterday, I had a WIC appointment.  I had to go get my new vouchers.  I was sick.  My fiance was sick.  We did not want to go, but we made the trip anyways.  As I was sitting in the waiting area, I started to feel my chest tighten.  I couldn't breathe.  My vision was fading.  I couldn't see, clearly.  I felt like I was going to faint/black out.  I thought it was the sickness.  It had to be the cold that I had, but why was my vision going.  It was the first time that I had a panic attack, and I didn't immediately recognize it.  I did recognize it soon enough that I didn't faint, but it still took me longer than it ever has.  So, it was the sickness.  Just not the one I was thinking.  After I recognized what was going on, I started taking deep breaths and got it under control.  Not gone, but manageable.  

Just like my grief.  It will never be gone, but I have been able to manage.

After my WIC appointment, my fiance had a doctor's appointment. While we were there, I needed to set up an appointment for blood work {for WIC - to prove that my miscarriage happened and my blood and iron levels were back to normal}.  I was explaining to the receptionist what I needed, and I felt like I should have been ashamed.  She was asking another lady some questions about how to put it in the computer, what doctor I should see, etc., and she would not talk about it out loud.  She got out of her chair, walked over to the other lady, and was whispering.  After my panic attack earlier that day, I just wanted to scream.  "Why are we whispering?"  "Why should I be ashamed?"  "Why can't we talk about it?"

My baby died.  I know this.  With life, there is death.  I know this.  My baby is in Heaven. I know this.  So why are we so ashamed to talk about miscarriage and death.  Should I be ashamed that I had a miscarriage?  That my body was not able to carry my baby to full term?  That I did not have a living baby?  That my baby was not able to survive?  That my baby died?  Should I be ashamed?

Should I be ashamed?  That seems to be the million dollar question.  Well my answer is NO.  No woman should be ashamed to have a miscarriage or talk about it.  She should not feel the need to hide her grief, her pain, her anger, her anxiety, her panic, or her fears.  We should not feel the need to hide the fact that we had a miscarriage or to not talk about it.

In fact, I think that talking about it is a great idea.  I think that talking about it helps.  It heals.  So, for as long as I can, I will talk about miscarriage.  But, not just miscarriage in general.  I will talk about my miscarriage.  I will talk about my baby.  I will help others when I can.  

I will not stop, so don't ask me to!

What has helped

After I went in for my first ultrasound and heard the horrible news that they couldn't find my baby's heartbeat, I started scouring the internet.  I wanted to find as much information as I could to prepare myself for the worst.  I did my best to find as much information as I could.  BUT, no matter how much I did, how much I found, or how much I read, there was nothing I could have done to prepare me for the day that I had my miscarriage.

After I had my miscarriage, I turned to God, family, and friends, and once again, I found myself scouring the internet.  I knew that I was going to need help getting through this.  AND, I realized that there is no "getting through this," there is only "learning to live with it."  And, I am still finding my way to "live with it."

But, I have found so many resources to help me through the grieving process.  And, I wanted to share these resources that I have found with all of you.  There are so many support groups, blogs, songs, quotes, and poems that I have found that have helped me.

Support Groups:  Search online - Search Facebook - And, if you would like to know some of the ones that I have joined, send me an e-mail.  I will be glad to give you the names of them.  Also, try Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope.  They have Face2Face Groups, where not only can you join an online community, but if you are able to, you can go to events for more support.

Quotes:  As I scoured the internet, I found so many quotes.  Here are some of my favorites!

*Just think, the first time he opened his eyes, he saw God!*
- Authour Unknown

*Do not judge the bereaved mother.  She comes in many forms.  She is breathing, but she is dying.  She may look young, but inside she has become ancient.  She smiles, but her heart sobs.  She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS, but she IS NOT, all at once.  She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity.*
- Author Unknown

*An angel with the book of life wrote down my baby's birth, then whispered as she closed the book, "too beautiful for earth."*
- Author Unknown

Poems:  I like to write, so I have written some for my baby.  Here is a link to the poem I wrote, "My Baby, My Angel."  And, here is a link to a poem that I found that I really loved, ♥What Makes A Mother♥ by Jennifer Wasik.

Songs:  All of the songs listed can be found on Youtube.com.  You can click each link to find them.

"Still" by Gerrit Hofsink
"Hug Him Once For Me"
"Small Bump" by Ed Sheeran
"Glory Baby" by Watermark
"Who You'd Be Today" by Kenny Chesney

Blogs:  Here are links to some of my favorite blogs.  Now, these are not all of the blogs that I follow or read, but just a few that I have found that really help.  There are so many that you can find, just by searching for blogs about miscarriage, stillbirth, infant loss, etc.

Sufficient Grace Ministries
Tossie's Tree and Painted Rocks
Pinwheels from Heaven
Precious Baby Alanna Phoebe
Tesha's Treasures
Small Bird Studios

I did not write a description for any of these because I just cannot come up with words that would describe them effectively.  They are all great blogs.  Please go check them out, if you haven't already.

All of these resources have helped me and are continuing to help me.  I hope that they can help you as well.  And, if you have any other great resources that helped you, please share them in the comments below!  Thank you all!

Walking With You: Clinging in the Pit

January 14, 2013 ~ Clinging in the Pit

If you are not new to loss, talk a bit about early grief.  What was it like, clinging for hope in the pits of despair?  What did you cling to for hope?  How did you survive the early days?  What helped?  What do you wish you could share with someone new to this walk, clinging in the pit?  If you're in the pit, currently, share your struggles.  What can others do to encourage you?

Since my miscarriage was only 7.5 weeks ago, I would say that I am still currently in the pit.  I am still dealing with daily struggles and grief. My miscarriage happened the day before Thanksgiving, so my main struggle was getting through the holidays not being pregnant, when I should have been.  Each holiday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years, have been tough.  And, I still have several holidays to go through, where I would have been pregnant, like Valentine's day, February 18th (not a holiday, but a day I remember - the day my Papa passed away), St. Patrick's day, Easter, Mother's Day, and Father's Day.  Not to mention, my due date was supposed to be right after Father's Day, on June 23, 2013.

How do I celebrate these holidays?  I was supposed to be pregnant through them.  My baby was supposed to be safe inside of me, growing away without a care in the world.  I was supposed to deliver shortly after Mother's Day and Father's Day.  One of the greatest presents that can be given to a Mother and Father, but I won't get that present this year.

Other struggles I have gone through are seeing other women pregnant.  I knew of about 10-15 women who were pregnant when I got pregnant.  During my pregnancy and after my miscarriage, about 10 more women announced that they were pregnant.  Each time, I am excited for them, but I am also sad because my baby is not here with me anymore.  Bo is in Heaven, though, so I know he is in the best place he can be.

The thing that gets me though, about seeing pregnant women, is when they complain about "pregnancy problems."  I take it to heart when I see these complaints because I would love to be feeling what they are.  I would love to have the back pain, using the bathroom excessively, the big tummy, the kicks, the movements, the cravings, heartburn, sleepless nights, weight gain, and everything else that goes along with pregnancy because it would mean that Bo is still alive and well inside of me.  I know I can't get upset with them for posting and saying these things, but it hurts me.  It hurts because it seems like they are not fully enjoying their pregnancy and their baby, which they probably are (to the best of their abilities) because they have not experienced what I have.

While there are many more struggles I could delve into, I would rather talk about the encouragement now. What I have received from so many has been extremely helpful, comforting, supportive, and healing.  Many ladies reached out to me after my miscarriage.  Ladies that I never knew had been through similar situations.  Ladies who took the time to say, "I am sorry for your loss.  I have been through something similar.  I am here if you need to talk."  That is the most comforting.  To know that somebody is willing to listen to you and talk with you.

While talking can be very beneficial for grieving mothers (fathers, parents, etc.), it can also be very harmful.  Something I learned after my miscarriage.  Other types of encouragement that helped were online support groups, hugs (virtual hugs were sometimes better than real ones because these women knew what I was and am going through), acknowledging my baby (Bo did exist, and he still does), and accepting my grief and me for who I am.  The grief is there.  It will probably always be there.  It will get easier, but I do not believe the grief will ever go away until I am in Heaven with my Savior and my baby.  And, I will always be who I am.  Nobody can change that.  

The things I've learned...

Before, during, and after my miscarriage, I heard, saw, and read many things that I did not know before.  Many terms I had never heard are now becoming a part of my daily life.  Here are a list of several things I had never heard of until after I was pregnant.

Did you know?

• A miscarriage is commonly referred to as a spontaneous abortion {source}.
• Women can have missed miscarriages, also known as missed abortions {source}.
• I had a missed miscarriage.  My baby's heart stopped at 7 weeks, but I did not have my miscarriage until I was almost 12 weeks.  My baby continued to grow until he was measuring 9 weeks, but he did not have a heart beat.  So, I was actually 12 weeks along when I had my miscarriage, but I always say that I was 9 weeks because that is how big my baby was.
• Some pregnancies can be considered failed pregnancies or "incompatible with life" {source}.
• Two terms I hate very much and will be writing about in another blog post.  Luckily, I never heard these terms from my doctors.
• Rainbow babies are babies born after miscarriage, still birth, and babies lost early in life {source}.
• I cannot wait to start TTC my Rainbow baby.  I am a Rainbow baby myself, so I know it is possible.  I also know that God will bless me when the time is right!
• You don't know exactly how it feels until you have been there yourself.
• I have lost other relatives (including my brother and papa), so I know how it feels to lose someone, but the grief from losing a child is so much different.
• If your child has passed away, you are not alone.  Whether it is miscarriage, abortion, still-birth, infant loss, or even losing an adult child, there are others who have been there.
• I did not realize, until after my miscarriage, how often it happens.  I also did not know how many support groups there are and how many people are willing to help you through the grieving process.

There are still several things I am learning, as well. Things about my body, my life, my thoughts, my dreams, my emotions, and my health.  Things that I need to know, but wish that I didn't.

Walking With You: Introduction & Where I am Now

So, for the next 6 weeks (1 post a week), I will be linking up with Sufficient Grace Ministries for the Walking With You Series.

The topic this week is:

January 7, 2013 ~ Introduction and Where are You Now?

Tell us a little about yourself, your baby, and how you've come to this walk.  Also, where are you now in your grief and healing?  Are you new to this, still in the depths of fresh grief?  Have you been walking the path awhile?

I am Kayla Yow.  I am 26 years old.  I live in California with my fiance, but I am originally from North Carolina.  If you would like to know more about us and how we met, you can read the posts, A Boy & A Girl and How We Met.

Our baby's name is Bo Ortiz.  I was only 9 weeks pregnant when I had a miscarriage.  We were not able to find out the sex of our baby, but we wanted him or her to have a name and a Certificate of Life. 

We were overjoyed when we found out we were pregnant, so we told everyone, not realizing that about 8 weeks later we would be telling everybody that our baby had went to Heaven.

My miscarriage happened on 11/21/12, a day I will never forget.  Some days it feels like it has been years since it happened, while other days it feels like it just happened yesterday.

The grief is overwhelming some days.  There are triggers that set it off, like seeing someone announce that they are pregnant, seeing ultrasound and baby bump pictures, hearing a certain song, and  even going to the grocery store.

But, the healing is there, too.  I have God, my fiance, my mom, family, friends, online support groups, and many other women I have met who have traveled this journey as well.

I know I just have to take it one day {sometimes even one hour} at a time.

Why I Write

I write because it helps.  

By sharing my story, I am allowing myself to grieve and heal.  I am putting myself out there because I know that miscarriages happen often.

Death/loss is a part of life.

I hope that by writing, someone, somewhere will be touched.  I hope that someone will receive some comfort from my writing.

I am offering support.  I have been there.  I hope if someone comes to my blog, sees my story, and has been through a miscarriage or some other type of loss, that they feel they can contact me for support.

I am here to help.  Yes, I am still grieving, but I know how it feels.  I know the pain.  I know the anger.

My main reason for writing though, is to share my story.  To share Bo's story.  I want the world to know that it doesn't matter how long I was pregnant or whether or not I delivered him or her, Bo is a person {Jeremiah 1:5}.

He or she is my angel now, watching over me from Heaven.

Hugs for the Holidays

Today, I am linking up with Four Plus an Angel for Hugs for the Holidays.

I believe this a great idea and will offer support to many individuals who need the most comfort during the holiday season.

They also have a Pinterest board called Hugs for the Holidays that they are sharing.

The story I am using and linking up with is An Angel for my Angel.

Please visit some of the other link-ups and support them today as well.