6 Months

Bo's 6 Month Angelversary was May 21!

All day long I was fine, until later that night, I was thinking about him, as I often do.

I just broke down in tears.  All I could think about was how I should be 38 weeks pregnant, ready to give birth to my beautiful baby boy! 

It is all I have been thinking about since his 6 month Angelversary!

I was able to order two beautiful pictures {one for my baby boy & one for my brother}, since I won a gift certificate from Catherine @ The Sacred Seashore.

Bo's beautiful sunset on the beach photo from The Sacred Seashore! <3

James' beautiful sunset beach photo from The Sacred Seashore!


I love these photos!  They are both so gorgeous!

My fiance picked Bo's photo out {and I think he made an awesome choice}!

Mommy & Daddy love & miss you, Bo!  Until we meet again, baby boy!

5 Months

April 21st was Bo's 5 Month Angelversary.  It was a peaceful day for me.  I honestly didn't even realize what day it was until later on in the night.

I spent all afternoon taking, editing, and e-mailing photos for some other wonderful BLMs.

The wind kept blowing, so the origami kept flying around all over the place.  All I kept thinking while the wind was blowing is that our Angels are watching over me as I take these photos.  {And, they are playing tricks on me!}

Bo, I think about you so often.  Everyday in fact.  You are my baby.  You are my son.  I will think of you everyday, until we meet again!  I love you, baby boy! <3

4 Months

Yesterday, 3.21.12, was Bo's 4 month Angelversary.

I had been thinking about it coming up, but I didn't even realize it when the day got here.

I have to say, it is getting easier.  I guess that means I am healing.  Not forgetting.  But, learning to live this new life.

I still hurt.  Some days it still seems unbearable.  Other days, I am fine.  I know where Bo is, and I know I will see him again someday.

Yesterday, I received my ribbon from Gianna's Light.

The ribbon is so beautiful! <3

Then, today I got my bear from Project B.E.A.R.

It is so soft and cuddly! <3

I am happy to have gotten both of the items.  The items that I have gotten so far are really helping me to heal.  And, I am also happy to be healing.

I will never forget my baby.  I will always remember and honor his life.  My heart will always have a piece that is missing.  That is, until I get to Heaven with my baby.

Three Months

Bo has now been in Heaven for longer than he was on earth.
For longer than he spent in my womb.

It has been 13 weeks and 1 day since my miscarriage.
I would be 25 weeks pregnant today.

Today, I should be registering gifts for my baby shower.  Planning the details, like what food would be served, what the theme would be, and who to invite.

Instead, I had a memorial for my baby boy.  I spent time thinking about him and doing things in his memory.

Brick Wall picture I did for Bo <3

Bo's origami coyote I made him

Bo's pebbles <3

Bo with his coyote

Bo's memory box I made him

 

Bo's memory box full of the special items

Bo's table

We love and miss you, Bo!  We think of you each and every day.
Happy 3 month Angelversary, baby boy! <3

I did not lose my child

I hate that term.
Loss.
I didn't lose my child.
But yet, I use it all the time.
We all do.

Why?

Because we dislike the term death more.
Nobody wants to hear about death.
Nobody wants to talk about death.
Even though death is a part of life.


Miscarry.
That is another term I hate.
I didn't miscarry my child, either.
I carried my baby the best way that I knew how.

But, I will still say that I had a miscarriage over my baby died.
I still say that I lost my baby, even though I didn't.
I know exactly where my baby is.  He is in Heaven.

So, even though I may still say that I lost my baby, I didn't.
And, even though I may still say that I miscarried my baby, I didn't.

My baby died.
I did nothing wrong.
I don't know why my baby died.
I have no explanation.
But, I do know where my baby is.
And, I know that I will see him again, one day!

A loss is a loss

A loss is a loss, so why are they treated differently.

A death is a death, so why are some deaths recognized, while others are treated as if nothing happened.

A person is a person, so why does it seem like some are more important than others.

I honestly hate the differences that are so apparent between losses/deaths.

When someone passes away, the family is giving so much to help them during their time of need.  People bring food, help take care of housework, help with the children, send sympathy cards, send flowers, offer support, call, attend the funeral, etc.

This happens for most deaths.

Most.

Not all.

You see, not all deaths are treated the same.

I had a miscarriage.  My baby died.  I was not that far along in my pregnancy {only 12 weeks when I had the miscarriage}, and my baby's heart stopped beating way before that {at a little over 7 weeks G.A.}.  But, why should that matter.

Read that paragraph again!  My baby's heart stopped beating.  He lived.  He died.

He is a person, just like everybody else.  So why was his death treated differently.

I wasn't able to have a funeral.  I didn't get that many phone calls.  I never received a sympathy card in the mail.  I never got flowers.  Nobody came to help me.  I did my own cooking and cleaning.

Why?

Why didn't people help me, like they help others when a loved one passes away?  Why wasn't my baby's death acknowledged?

Honestly, I don't know.  I don't have the answers.

But, I must keep living.  I must keep honoring and remembering Bo.  I must do the best that I can.

So, I have a memorial every month and on major holidays for Bo.  I remember him every day.  I miss him. I love him.

And, I do my best to help other BLMs.  To offer support, comfort, healing, hope, and encouragement.  To let them know that they are not alone on this journey.  To let them know that someone does care.  Someone does acknowledge them, their babies, and their losses.

I found this quote, and I think it fits some of what I am trying to say.

"Is the death of a fetus easier to endure than the death of an older child?  Is the grief of losing a limb greater than the grief of losing a life?  There is no such thing as greater or lesser grief.  One person's sadness is as great as another's."
- Author Unknown

I am a Mom

Many people do not know this unless they know me personally or read my blog.

You cannot tell by looking at me that I am a mother.

I have a child.

He is not here on earth with me, but he is mine.
I carried him, protected him, miss him, and love him!
I was never able to hold my baby in my arms, but it does not make me any less of a mother.

I had hopes and dreams for my child.  All of which changed on the day I found out he died.
A lot of things changed on that day!
I changed.
But, I am still a mom.

{There is a lot that goes to this conversation, but this is the part that matters!}
During a conversation, it was said to me that I was not a mother.  I looked at the person that said this and screamed, "I am a mother!  My baby died!"

Just because my child is in Heaven does not make me less of a mother.  I do things to honor and remember my son, instead of taking care of him.

On this earth, I will never get to see, touch, hold his hand, hug, or kiss my son.  I don't get to feed him, change him, bathe him, rock him, or put him to sleep.  I won't get to see his first steps, kiss his boo-boos, help him ride his bike, or play with him.

I do not get to share so many special moments with my son.  But, I do get to see him again!  We will meet in Heaven, one day!

Until that day, I get to honor and remember him.  I will talk about him.  I will always miss and love him!  I will do things for and in his memory!

So, no matter what anybody says:
I AM A MOM!

Walking With You: Finding Hope & Healing

February 11, 2013 ~ Finding Hope and Healing (With or Without a Rainbow)

For this post, we will share our experiences with longing for another baby to fill our empty arms.  Some experienced a subsequent pregnancy after loss.  Some may be fearful of embarking on that journey again.  Some may not be able to have another child, whether due to infertility or other reasons.  Some may have found that having another baby, however precious a gift, was not the key to healing the grief.  Can you experience hope and healing...even if there is no rainbow after the storm?



Oh, how I want to be a mother to a child on earth.  I have always wanted to be a mom.  That was my dream as a child.  To grow up, get married, and have children.  I honestly thought that by this time in my life (at the age of 26), I would have at least one child.  But, if I am going to be really honest, I thought that I would be done having children by now.  I thought I would have my own home, with a husband, and 2.5 kids.  But, instead, I live with my fiance, in a house that he rents, and we have 1 child in Heaven and our furry child here with us.

I can't say that I am not happy because I am.  But, I am also sad.  

My thoughts about being a mother have changed since my baby died.  They actually changed a few years back (before my miscarriage) around the time that I was 23, but they have definitely changed even more now.  You see, I did not think that I could get pregnant.  For a long time, I thought that I would never have a child of my own.  Not a biological, blood, created by me & my partner, carried in my womb child.

Then, I got pregnant.  I couldn't believe it.  God had given me such a great gift, blessing, and miracle.  I was pregnant.  I was going to have a child of my own.  Guess again.  I had a miscarriage.  My child was born into Heaven.  He never experienced this earth outside of my womb.

Do I want a baby?  Yes.  Do I want to get pregnant, carry my baby full-term, give birth, and raise my own child on earth?  Yes.  Do I want this right now?  I don't know.

I am scared, anxious, nervous, and not sure if I am ready to have a baby.  If I get pregnant again, I know that I will be so scared.  Scared that the same thing will happen.  Scared that I will not be able to protect my child, again.

If we do not or cannot get pregnant again, we are open to adoption. So many children need homes, and we are more than willing to adopt a child and provide a home.  And, if worse comes to worse, I believe I will be fine with us just being together.  As much as I would love a child, I know that I can be happy with just my fiance and me.

After all is said and done, though, I know everything will happen on God's time.  I am trusting in Him to guide me and give me what I need to do His will.  He will provide hope and healing to me, no matter what, as long as I have faith and believe in Him.

Walking With You: Steps back into life

January 21, 2013 ~ Steps Back into Life

Share about your first steps back into life.  What helped you survive in the world outside as you took those first tender steps?  Are there still tender areas for you today, living in a world that doesn't embrace or understand the loss of a baby/child?  How do you cope with those struggles?  What advice would you offer those new to this walk to encourage and bring hope?  How has this changed for you from the beginning?  If you are in early grief, what do you fear/struggle with as you try to navigate a new normal....life without your baby?


My main fear is that Bo will not be remembered.

My main struggle is dealing with all of the pregnancies and babies around me.

I do not believe there will ever be a new "normal" for me.  I do not want to live my life without my baby.  For this reason, I have this blog.  I constantly talk about Bo.  I think about him all the time.  I want him to be remembered.  I want people to know that he is a person.  He is important.  He is loved.  He is missed.

I also struggle with the fact that miscarriage is such a taboo subject. Like I should be ashamed just for saying the word.

I thought that I had been doing well with my grief.  I thought that I was handling myself well.  I thought that I was handling my grief.  That I was embracing it, understanding it, dealing with it, working through it.  I thought.

Yesterday, I had a WIC appointment.  I had to go get my new vouchers.  I was sick.  My fiance was sick.  We did not want to go, but we made the trip anyways.  As I was sitting in the waiting area, I started to feel my chest tighten.  I couldn't breathe.  My vision was fading.  I couldn't see, clearly.  I felt like I was going to faint/black out.  I thought it was the sickness.  It had to be the cold that I had, but why was my vision going.  It was the first time that I had a panic attack, and I didn't immediately recognize it.  I did recognize it soon enough that I didn't faint, but it still took me longer than it ever has.  So, it was the sickness.  Just not the one I was thinking.  After I recognized what was going on, I started taking deep breaths and got it under control.  Not gone, but manageable.  

Just like my grief.  It will never be gone, but I have been able to manage.

After my WIC appointment, my fiance had a doctor's appointment. While we were there, I needed to set up an appointment for blood work {for WIC - to prove that my miscarriage happened and my blood and iron levels were back to normal}.  I was explaining to the receptionist what I needed, and I felt like I should have been ashamed.  She was asking another lady some questions about how to put it in the computer, what doctor I should see, etc., and she would not talk about it out loud.  She got out of her chair, walked over to the other lady, and was whispering.  After my panic attack earlier that day, I just wanted to scream.  "Why are we whispering?"  "Why should I be ashamed?"  "Why can't we talk about it?"

My baby died.  I know this.  With life, there is death.  I know this.  My baby is in Heaven. I know this.  So why are we so ashamed to talk about miscarriage and death.  Should I be ashamed that I had a miscarriage?  That my body was not able to carry my baby to full term?  That I did not have a living baby?  That my baby was not able to survive?  That my baby died?  Should I be ashamed?

Should I be ashamed?  That seems to be the million dollar question.  Well my answer is NO.  No woman should be ashamed to have a miscarriage or talk about it.  She should not feel the need to hide her grief, her pain, her anger, her anxiety, her panic, or her fears.  We should not feel the need to hide the fact that we had a miscarriage or to not talk about it.

In fact, I think that talking about it is a great idea.  I think that talking about it helps.  It heals.  So, for as long as I can, I will talk about miscarriage.  But, not just miscarriage in general.  I will talk about my miscarriage.  I will talk about my baby.  I will help others when I can.  

I will not stop, so don't ask me to!

How to Help when Talking

After my miscarriage, a couple of people have told me that they just did not know what to say to me, so they didn't say anything at all.  Besides that, some people would say the worst things possible.  Things that really hurt.  So, after talking to some friends and receiving some help, I have come up with some things that are helpful to say to someone who has experienced a loss and some things that were very hurtful and not helpful at all.

What to Say
*I am very sorry for your loss* - This is the most simple, but it is also one of the most beneficial.

*I don't know what to say* - Be honest, but also be there.

*I am thinking of you* - Just let the person know you care.

*If you ever want to talk, I am here to listen* - Don't just say this.  Actually be there to listen.  No matter what.  When a person experiences loss, they go through many stages.  They could be happy, sad, angry, crying, or laughing.  They could also be all of these at the same time.  Just be there.  They will appreciate it.

*I can't imagine what you are going through* - Again, be honest.  Let them know that you don't know how they feel, but that you care.

*Other things that helped are hugs, shoulders to cry on, and asking if they need help with anything like cooking or cleaning (then follow through with helping them).*

What NOT to Say
*You can always try again (At least you're young, you can always have more)* - Some women can't try to get pregnant again, and if they can, it doesn't mean that they did not want their Angel baby.  Plus they will have all these new fears, if and when, they do get pregnant again.

*Everything happens for a reason (Some things just aren't meant to be)* - While this seems like a good thing to say, it does not always make the person feel better (especially if they don't know the reason or can't find out the reason).

*You were lucky* - I do not know what makes people think you were lucky when you lost a child, but there is nothing lucky about it.  Even though I was blessed that I did not bleed more or receive permanent damage from the miscarriage, I was not lucky when I lost my child.  And neither were any of the other women who lost their children.

*At least you weren't that far along*  - It does not matter how far along a women is in her pregnancy, she is carrying a human being, a person, another life inside of her.  Whether she loses her child when she is 2 weeks pregnant or 32 weeks pregnant, she has lost apart of herself.  She has lost a child.

*It's for the best (it's a good thing)*  - Another very inconsiderate thing to say.  I'm sure the best thing to happen was not losing a child.  Even if the parents could not afford to raise a child, they do not want their child to pass away.

*You should be thankful for the children you do have* - I am sure that all moms know this.  If they have other children, I am sure they are thankful for them.  Probably even more thankful for them after the loss.

*You just weren't ready to have children* - Many woman have unplanned pregnancies, but it does not mean that they aren't ready.  Most of the time, motherly instincts kick in immediately, and mothers do everything in their power to become ready for their children.  We would do anything for our children.  And, I mean anything.

*It's not okay to cry, be sad, or be angry* - Unless you have been in the situation, you don't know how it feels.  You don't know the emotions that women, men, and families go through.  It is okay to cry.  It is okay to be sad.  It is okay to be angry.  And, it is okay to show these emotions!

*It's your fault* - This was not personally said to me, and I am so happy it wasn't because I may have punched the person that said it.  I mean how stupid and inconsiderate could you be.  Remember, if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all.

*Other things that hurt and do not help are when people pretend they don't see you, they don't talk to you, or they refuse to acknowledge your child.  Don't avoid the subject because you think you will be reminding mothers about their child because trust me they do not forget.  They will never forget. And, acknowledge their child.  If a mother has named her child, use the child's name when talking about him or her.  It lets the mother know that you care.*


Thank you to all of the ladies who gave me their input and helped me with this post.  Thank you Tracy Wantenaar, Cathy, and all of the other ladies who would like to remain anonymous.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas to my Angel!  I love and miss you, Bo!

I know it is the day after Christmas, but I avoided Facebook, my blog, and my computer, in general, the past two days {well, I avoided them as much as I could}.

I really did not want to see pictures of pregnant women in cute outfits, standing with their partners in front of the tree, or posts about the pregnancies and what everyone got for Christmas.

I just really wasn't in the mood.  It made it even worse when AF decided to drop by on the 23rd and she hasn't left yet.  I honestly did not think I would be seeing her since I am on the depo shot.  With her coming, I got that reminder that, "Hey! You're not pregnant anymore!  Oh, and guess what?  You are on the depo shot, so no getting pregnant in the near future either!"  It was a horrible feeling.

Flat out, it sucked and it still sucks!

So, I celebrated Christmas in my own way.  I wished our Lord a Happy Birthday.  And, I told my Angels {Bo, James, Papa, and all the others} Merry Christmas, I love them, and I missed them!

And, I didn't do much else.

But, I am a little upset.  Upset because I could not go home to see my family (who I live over 3,000 miles away from).  Upset because I haven't even heard from some of my family (who I thought would call me, but they haven't - and I know it is a two-way street, so I am upset at myself too).  Upset because of the family that I did talk to, only a few of them asked me how I was doing.

But, I know everybody has their own life and their own struggles.  This is my struggle.  I cannot ask someone to bear it with me.  It is not their struggle to bear.  It is mine.  And, I will continue to deal with it.  I will continue to seek support from the online groups I have joined.  I will continue to pray for healing, comfort, and strength.  I will continue to rely on God because in life, He is the only one who will not leave your side.

One Month

Today is my baby's one month Angelversary.

I cannot believe it has been one month since my miscarriage.  It seems like it just happened yesterday.

On 12.12.12, Justin and I decided we wanted to enter our baby's name into the Book of Life at The Shrine of the Holy Innocents.

Since I was only 12 weeks pregnant, we do not know what the sex of the baby is.  So, we chose a name that we both liked.  We named our baby Bo Ortiz {I know both guys and girls named Bo, and the initials B.O. kept coming up because we always called the baby "Baby Ortiz," hence the name Bo}.

{Bo's Certificate of Life}

{Bo's Christmas stocking, crocheted heart, bracelet, and angel, heart rock, and candle}

I think of you...

I think of you...

*Every time we go grocery shopping {I used to love to go down the baby aisle - now I avoid it like the plague}.

*Every time I have to go to a doctor's appointment {or any other appointment - such as WIC, because in Cali, I still get it for 6 months after the miscarriage}.

*Every time I use a WIC check {especially at the little 99 cents store down the road because they give me 3 free diapers for every WIC check I use there}.

*Every time I get on Facebook {many of my friends are pregnant, and I am happy for them, but it is still painful to see all the ultrasound pics and posts about babies}.

*Every time I see a pregnant woman {and sometimes I want to smack them...at my last doctor's appointment when I got my lab results and the depo shot, I sat in the waiting room for a bit, as always, because the health department is so busy - there was a younger lady and an older lady sitting there talking - the younger lady was pregnant and she was saying how fat she was - the older lady said something along the lines of "you are 6 months pregnant.  you are not fat."  - I personally wanted to smack the lady because she was smaller than me - I wanted to tell her to count her blessings for being tiny and having a healthy pregnancy - Not all woman are so lucky!}.

And several other times, such as...

*When a random stranger passes me holding a toy, asking if I have children.

*When I look at the Christmas tree and your stocking.

*When I check the calendar - it's been almost a month, but it feels like it just happened yesterday.

*When I see a mom who is not paying attention to her child {also happened at one of my doctor's appointments - she was talking to another female - a friend or family member - and her son was running around the office like a wild child, running in and out of the front doors, running into people, throwing his toys, etc.}.

*When I look at my belly {and I know you are not there, and it hurts, but I know you are in Heaven watching over me}.

I think of you all throughout the day,

and I miss you terribly.

<3 I love you, Baby Ortiz. <3

An Angel for my Angel

I crocheted an angel ornament/tree topper in remembrance of our angel.  Right now, the angel is serving as our tree topper, and after the tree is taken down, I will hang the angel in our bedroom.

Along with crocheting the angel, I wrote a poem to be put in Baby Ortiz's stocking.

Here is the poem:

My Baby, My Angel

It was the day before Thanksgiving,

When I got the news,

I had lost my baby,

He was gone way too soon.

Daddy was there to help Mommy,

But there was nothing he could do.

We tried our very best,

To do everything for you.

The doctors said you were gone,

I couldn’t believe my ears,

But I remember all of the pain,

I remember all of the tears.

I don’t know why you left so soon,

But I miss you oh so much,

I think about you all the time,

I want to feel your touch.

I want to hold your hand,

And hug away your pain,

I want to kiss your face so gently,

As I say your name

I want to tell you that I love you,

All throughout the day,

To tell you how much I need you,

I needed you to stay.

But, God had other plans,

When He gave me you,

He knew what I needed more,

An Angel to guide me through.

So, now when I think of you,

I know you are in Heaven,

Watching over Mommy & Daddy,

Giving us direction.

A beautiful angel,

With wings so pearly white,

A halo made of gold,

Shining very bright.

Mommy and Daddy love you,

we miss you every day,

we can’t wait to meet you,

when we come home to stay.

So until we get there,

Please keep guiding us through,

Helping us live our lives,

Until the day we meet you.

My Miscarriage Story

WARNING:  This post may contain some details and information that are considered graphic and explicit in nature to some individuals.

On 9/30/12, I took a pregnancy test after being 3 days late on my cycle.  Lo and behold, it was positive.  I couldn’t believe it because of my history (I had been told that I might not be able to get pregnant).  Now with my fiancé and soul mate (I met him in May 2012 and moved in with him June of 2012), I ended up pregnant after only 4 months, and we weren’t even trying (Again, I didn’t think I could get pregnant, and my fiancé also didn’t think he could have children).

Everything was going fine, until 11/7/12.  I went in for my first ultrasound, and according to my LMC, I was supposed to be 9W6D.  The ultrasound showed that the baby was only measuring 7W3D.  And, there was no heartbeat showing.  The doctor did not seem positive, but I was.  On Saturday, 11/17/12, I started bleeding after sex.  I totally freaked and ended up in the ER.  They did my ultrasound and said that I was measuring 9W, but there was no heartbeat.  Again, I remained positive.  I had faith in God (and I still do).  They told me to go back to my doctor to have blood tests done to check my HCG levels and to have another ultrasound done.  I already had an ultrasound scheduled for 11/20/12, so I called my doctor to schedule appointments for my blood work.

On 11/20/12, I went in for my ultrasound.  The news was not good.  The baby measured 9W2D as it should, but again there was no heartbeat or fetal activity.  The doctor began talking about a D&C and several other things that I cannot even remember because I blanked out.  I walked out of the office crying for the second time, but I was also professing that God was in control.  No matter what happened, God was and is in control.

That night, I started bleeding more heavily and clotting.  I also started cramping some.  Not enough to get worried according to the doctors I saw when I went to the ER, but enough that I knew what was happening.  I went to bed with a very heavy heart.  The next morning (11/21/12) I woke up, woke up my fiancé, and told him we had to get back to the hospital.  I was having a miscarriage, and I knew it.  We walked to the bus stop (we don’t have a car, and I was not in a lot of pain, so I was trying not to call 911), and we took the first bus to our stop for the next bus ride, which would take us to the hospital I had recently been to.  While waiting for the bus at the bus stop, I started to feel very nauseous, dizzy, light-headed, and I seriously thought I was going to pass out.  Luckily we were right at another hospital.

I barely made it to the back of the hospital.  I was sweating profusely, but had cold chills.  I was blacking out.  I could barely walk due to the pain that I was in.  I was cramping so much it felt like I was being ripped apart from the inside out.  I also thought that I was going to vomit everywhere, and I had nothing on my stomach but some Mountain Dew.  And, I was crying my eyes out.  My fiancé is frantically trying to find a door to get in the hospital, but they were all locked (we were in the back of the hospital).  As he was trying to find a door and some help, a lady walked by in a knee-length, white coat (I assumed she was a doctor, but I don’t know.  I do know for a fact she was an employee of the hospital).  I called out to this lady for help.  “Ma’am, can you please help me?”  She looked at me, turned her head, and kept walking.  This happened a couple of times.  I watched as this lady scanned her ID and went into one of the doors that my fiancé had knocked on and tried to open.  She had something in her hands, so I figured she was going to put it down, and she was going to come back.  She didn’t.  As a matter of fact, I never saw this lady again at the hospital after that point.  {I wanted to add this part in because I feel that this lady needs prayer.  And, a lot of it.  I hope that she is never like this with her patients.  I pray that she opens her heart and finds the strength and courage she needs to help others who are in need.}

After about 5 minutes of searching (it felt like hours), my fiancé found someone to help me.  Two very nice security guards showed up with a wheelchair and rushed me to the ER, where I was treated by some friendly and some not-so friendly staff.  For the most part, everyone did what they could to make sure that I was okay.  I was given morphine for the pain and an IV to keep fluids in me.  The doctor and nurse checked me and stated that I was bleeding way too much, so they moved me to a bed in the main ER area.  They hooked me up to a couple of machines that kept check of my heart rate and my blood pressure.

After about an hour or two, the doctor came in and said that my blood work was fine, so he was going to put some medicine in me to slow the bleeding, which he did.  It worked, and within the next hour I was in another room with the OB/GYN having a pelvic exam done to make sure everything was okay.  She said that I was fine.  My cervix was still dilated to a 2, but that was normal, and it would close on its own.  My doctor came back in and told me I was being released.  The nurse came back in shortly after that and gave me my release papers, checked my vitals, and said I was good to go home.

I went home that night, I cried, and I went to bed.

My Angel in Heaven

I did not know when, or even if, I would be ready to post my story.  It is still so fresh, and so many things make me think about my baby and how it could have been.  But, I know that many women go through similar situations, and I just hope that it will help these women, their partners, and anyone else who has or is grieving the loss of a baby or child.  Also, I hope that it will help in my healing process.

I wanted to post this first, before I post my story, because I will be going into some details about the miscarriage.  Some of these details may be too graphic or explicit for some individuals, but I want to post everything.  

So many women experience miscarriages, but not very many of them seem to talk about it.  I want to share my story because it is important to me, and I want other women to know that they are not alone.

According to the American Pregnancy Association, "the chances of having a miscarriage can range from 10-25%," (source).  That means that between 1 out of 10 and 1 out of 4 pregnancies result in miscarriage.

{source}

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I am a mommy.  I have a beautiful Angel baby watching over me from Heaven.  I never got to hold my baby, hug or kiss him or her here on Earth, but I know one day, I will get to see, hold, hug, and kiss him or her, when we meet again in Heaven.

This is our story...

7 Weeks

10/18 thru 10/24

{W7D5}

<3 So in love with Baby Ortiz already <3

*Maternity clothes?*

Nada.

*Stretch marks?*

No new ones!

*Sleep?*

Sleeping when I can.  Tossing and turning a lot, having a lot of lower back pain and hip pain, and my sciatic nerve has been bothering me.

*Best moment this week?*

When my momma gave me money to buy donuts and other great foods that I was craving!

*Miss anything?*

I actually wanted a Strawberry Daiquiri or some alcoholic beverage this week {which is kind of crazy because I haven't had alcohol in over 5 months}.

*Movement?*

Still too early.

*Food cravings?*

Donuts, yogurt, fresh fruit, ice cream, Chinese, and Japanese.  I craved pretty much anything and everything that I did not have in my house at that time.

*Anything making you queasy or sick?*

Nothing in particular really, except eggs.  But not all eggs.  Only if I think about cooking them or seeing them cooked in my house.  I actually still want eggs, but I want them already made at a restaurant {like with a plate of food or on a sandwich}!  Weird!

*Gender?*

Too early to tell.

*Labor signs?*

Way to early for these.

*Belly button in or out?*

Still in, and I still have my belly button ring in (don't know for how much longer, though!).

*Mood?*

Very cranky and easily annoyed {think it has something to do with the pain I am in and the sleep I'm not getting}!

*Looking forward to?*

My prenatal care appointment on 10/25.

6 Weeks

10/11 thru 10/17

{W6D2}

*Maternity clothes?*

Nope.

*Stretch marks?*

Not yet!

*Sleep?*

Sleeping longer, better hours now.  Still having some crazy dreams.

*Best moment this week?*

My doctor's appointment when they confirmed my pregnancy and eased some of my worries by answering my questions.

*Miss anything?*

Not yet.

*Movement?*

Still too early.

*Food cravings?*

I am still craving sweets, especially cinnamon rolls.

*Anything making you queasy or sick?*

Typical nausea throughout the week {no vomiting still! - yay!}, then on W6D6, I got extremely nauseous from the simplest smells.  Also, my prescription causes nausea, so yea, that sucks!

*Gender?*

Too early to tell.

*Labor signs?*

Way to early for these.

*Belly button in or out?*

Definitely in.

*Mood?*

Feeling better since I am almost through with my prescription, but still having crazy mood swings.  I go from laughing to crying to angry to laughing again in such little time, it is outrageous.  I am also getting super annoyed, super easily these days.

*Looking forward to?*

Finishing my prescription on Friday, 10/19.

5 Weeks

10/4 thru 10/10

{W5D3 - Taken on my birthday, 10/6}

*Maternity clothes?*

Definitely not!

*Stretch marks?*

Still no new ones!

*Sleep?*

Very restless - sleeping in about 4 to 5 hour segments at the beginning, then started sleeping better, with longer hours, at the end of the week.  Still having crazy dreams.

*Best moment this week?*

My birthday!  I got doughnuts! :)

*Miss anything?*

Nope.

*Movement?*

Way too early.

*Food cravings?*

Nothing this week.

*Anything making you queasy or sick?*

This week was a pretty good week.  Only felt sick one day.

*Gender?*

Too early to tell.

*Labor signs?*

Way to early for these.

*Belly button in or out?*

Definitely in.

*Mood?*

Still cranky from the lack of sleep.

*Looking forward to?*

My 2nd doctor's appointment on 10/11.

4 Weeks

9/27 thru 10/3

Took my pregnancy test on 9/30 and got a positive result, which was Week 4 Day 4.

{M.J. looking at the belly!}

{M.J. rubbing the belly!}

*Maternity clothes?*

Definitely not!

*Stretch marks?*

No new ones!

*Sleep?*

Very restless - sleeping in about 4 to 5 hour segments.  Also having crazy dreams.

*Best moment this week?*

Taking the pregnancy test, and seeing the positive result.

*Miss anything?*

Nope.

*Movement?*

Way too early.

*Food cravings?*

Cinnamon rolls.

*Anything making you queasy or sick?*

Nauseous in the morning and from random smells.

*Gender?*

Too early to tell.

*Labor signs?*

Way to early for these.

*Belly button in or out?*

Definitely in.

*Mood?*

A little cranky, but otherwise great.

*Looking forward to?*

My 1st doctor's appointment on 10/5.