Walking With You: Finding Hope & Healing

February 11, 2013 ~ Finding Hope and Healing (With or Without a Rainbow)

For this post, we will share our experiences with longing for another baby to fill our empty arms.  Some experienced a subsequent pregnancy after loss.  Some may be fearful of embarking on that journey again.  Some may not be able to have another child, whether due to infertility or other reasons.  Some may have found that having another baby, however precious a gift, was not the key to healing the grief.  Can you experience hope and healing...even if there is no rainbow after the storm?



Oh, how I want to be a mother to a child on earth.  I have always wanted to be a mom.  That was my dream as a child.  To grow up, get married, and have children.  I honestly thought that by this time in my life (at the age of 26), I would have at least one child.  But, if I am going to be really honest, I thought that I would be done having children by now.  I thought I would have my own home, with a husband, and 2.5 kids.  But, instead, I live with my fiance, in a house that he rents, and we have 1 child in Heaven and our furry child here with us.

I can't say that I am not happy because I am.  But, I am also sad.  

My thoughts about being a mother have changed since my baby died.  They actually changed a few years back (before my miscarriage) around the time that I was 23, but they have definitely changed even more now.  You see, I did not think that I could get pregnant.  For a long time, I thought that I would never have a child of my own.  Not a biological, blood, created by me & my partner, carried in my womb child.

Then, I got pregnant.  I couldn't believe it.  God had given me such a great gift, blessing, and miracle.  I was pregnant.  I was going to have a child of my own.  Guess again.  I had a miscarriage.  My child was born into Heaven.  He never experienced this earth outside of my womb.

Do I want a baby?  Yes.  Do I want to get pregnant, carry my baby full-term, give birth, and raise my own child on earth?  Yes.  Do I want this right now?  I don't know.

I am scared, anxious, nervous, and not sure if I am ready to have a baby.  If I get pregnant again, I know that I will be so scared.  Scared that the same thing will happen.  Scared that I will not be able to protect my child, again.

If we do not or cannot get pregnant again, we are open to adoption. So many children need homes, and we are more than willing to adopt a child and provide a home.  And, if worse comes to worse, I believe I will be fine with us just being together.  As much as I would love a child, I know that I can be happy with just my fiance and me.

After all is said and done, though, I know everything will happen on God's time.  I am trusting in Him to guide me and give me what I need to do His will.  He will provide hope and healing to me, no matter what, as long as I have faith and believe in Him.

Walking With You: Overcoming Guilt and Embracing Joy

January 28, 2013 ~ Overcoming Guilt & Embracing Joy

One area so many mothers struggle with is guilt, especially those who experience the loss of a baby/child.  We want to address this struggle in this post.  It will help mothers quietly battling guilt for living life and experiencing joy to know they are not alone.  Other moms silently battle this as well.  Whether it is the startling first time you really laugh after losing your child, or whether you have experienced the healing balm of joy for years, share your thoughts on this week's post.


"Whether it is the startling first time you really laugh after losing your child..."  It is kind of funny that this is in the description of what I am supposed to write about.  The first time I remember really laughing after my miscarriage, it shocked me.  I abruptly stopped because the sound was so foreign to me.  It was too joyous.  My baby had just died.  How could I be laughing?  I was supposed to be grieving, not celebrating!  How could I enjoy life when my baby did not get that chance?  So many questions, thoughts, and concerns went through my head.  I felt so guilty.  I began crying.  I sobbed.

I felt like a failure!

Guilt.  It can sneak up on you.  It does sneak up on you.  It has happened several times between my miscarriage and now, just 2 months, 1 week, and 4 days later.

I felt guilty about having my miscarriage.  Maybe I did something wrong.  Did I do something wrong?  I don't know.  I would like to think that I did everything right, but I don't know.  Could I have done something different?  Could I have ate better?  Could I have stopped drinking coffee and sodas completely?  Could I have exercised more or less?  Would any of it helped?

I felt guilty about telling certain people and forgetting to tell others.
I felt guilty about failing my baby.
I felt guilty that my body could not carry my baby full-term.
I felt guilty that even though I could get pregnant, I could not deliver a healthy baby.

I felt like a failure!

One day, I felt so down that I just started sobbing.  My fiance sat down beside me and asked me what was wrong.  I told him, "I am a failure!"  He asked me what I was talking about.  In between sobs, I rambled off something like this:

I am a failure.
I failed at being a mom.
I failed at being pregnant.
I failed at being a daughter.
I failed at being a sister.
I failed at being an aunt.
I failed at being your girl-friend/fiance.
I failed at being a student.
I failed at life.
I AM A FAILURE!

This was one of my weakest moments.  Just writing about it now makes some of those feelings come back.  It makes my cry.  I am not sobbing this time, but the tears are definitely there.

The guilt and the grief were too much.  I could not handle it, so I would just break down and cry.  I would listen to songs that would make me cry.  Sometimes I would feel like I wasn't crying enough.  How could I truly be grieving if I wasn't crying?  Then there were some days when I thought that I was letting it all consume me.  I thought that I was thinking too much, doing too much, crying too much.

Luckily, I can say that I no longer feel like a failure.  I now laugh and enjoy life.  I know that I have to.  I know that Bo would want me to.  I still have days where I cry, where I feel down, where I just want to curl up in a ball in bed and sleep for days.  But, I am doing better!

I look at life differently now.  I do my best to enjoy every minute of it because it is a gift!  We are not promised tomorrow!  I love deeper, I laugh harder, I live fully!  I do this because Bo didn't get the chance.  I do my best to live my life in a way that would make Bo proud!

I want to help!

So many BLMs have helped me through my grieving process, and I am so very grateful to all of them for what they have done.  Knowing that Bo is being remembered by others really helps me.

And, it has made me want to help.  I know that I cannot do much, but I want to support other BLMs as they have supported me.  I want to offer something to them that will help to soothe their hearts and souls.  But, I don't know what I can do.

So, I am looking for ways to helps other BLMs {but not just mommies, I want to help anyone who has suffered the loss of a pregnancy, baby, or child}.  If you have any ideas on how I can help, please let me know.  I really just want to offer my support and encouragement.

I am also looking for volunteering opportunities.  I know that volunteering is different in all areas, so I am researching this myself,  but if you have any links or suggestions, please leave a comment below.

Again, thank you to all of the wonderful BLMs who have been there for me!

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Sidenote:  I have a camera.  It is nothing much, but I am in love with it, and I am in love with photography.  I was thinking of offering unique photographs.  I can add custom art and lettering to them with programs on my computer.  But, I see that so many people already offer this, that I am not sure if anyone would want one.

What has helped

After I went in for my first ultrasound and heard the horrible news that they couldn't find my baby's heartbeat, I started scouring the internet.  I wanted to find as much information as I could to prepare myself for the worst.  I did my best to find as much information as I could.  BUT, no matter how much I did, how much I found, or how much I read, there was nothing I could have done to prepare me for the day that I had my miscarriage.

After I had my miscarriage, I turned to God, family, and friends, and once again, I found myself scouring the internet.  I knew that I was going to need help getting through this.  AND, I realized that there is no "getting through this," there is only "learning to live with it."  And, I am still finding my way to "live with it."

But, I have found so many resources to help me through the grieving process.  And, I wanted to share these resources that I have found with all of you.  There are so many support groups, blogs, songs, quotes, and poems that I have found that have helped me.

Support Groups:  Search online - Search Facebook - And, if you would like to know some of the ones that I have joined, send me an e-mail.  I will be glad to give you the names of them.  Also, try Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope.  They have Face2Face Groups, where not only can you join an online community, but if you are able to, you can go to events for more support.

Quotes:  As I scoured the internet, I found so many quotes.  Here are some of my favorites!

*Just think, the first time he opened his eyes, he saw God!*
- Authour Unknown

*Do not judge the bereaved mother.  She comes in many forms.  She is breathing, but she is dying.  She may look young, but inside she has become ancient.  She smiles, but her heart sobs.  She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS, but she IS NOT, all at once.  She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity.*
- Author Unknown

*An angel with the book of life wrote down my baby's birth, then whispered as she closed the book, "too beautiful for earth."*
- Author Unknown

Poems:  I like to write, so I have written some for my baby.  Here is a link to the poem I wrote, "My Baby, My Angel."  And, here is a link to a poem that I found that I really loved, ♥What Makes A Mother♥ by Jennifer Wasik.

Songs:  All of the songs listed can be found on Youtube.com.  You can click each link to find them.

"Still" by Gerrit Hofsink
"Hug Him Once For Me"
"Small Bump" by Ed Sheeran
"Glory Baby" by Watermark
"Who You'd Be Today" by Kenny Chesney

Blogs:  Here are links to some of my favorite blogs.  Now, these are not all of the blogs that I follow or read, but just a few that I have found that really help.  There are so many that you can find, just by searching for blogs about miscarriage, stillbirth, infant loss, etc.

Sufficient Grace Ministries
Tossie's Tree and Painted Rocks
Pinwheels from Heaven
Precious Baby Alanna Phoebe
Tesha's Treasures
Small Bird Studios

I did not write a description for any of these because I just cannot come up with words that would describe them effectively.  They are all great blogs.  Please go check them out, if you haven't already.

All of these resources have helped me and are continuing to help me.  I hope that they can help you as well.  And, if you have any other great resources that helped you, please share them in the comments below!  Thank you all!

Walking With You: Clinging in the Pit

January 14, 2013 ~ Clinging in the Pit

If you are not new to loss, talk a bit about early grief.  What was it like, clinging for hope in the pits of despair?  What did you cling to for hope?  How did you survive the early days?  What helped?  What do you wish you could share with someone new to this walk, clinging in the pit?  If you're in the pit, currently, share your struggles.  What can others do to encourage you?

Since my miscarriage was only 7.5 weeks ago, I would say that I am still currently in the pit.  I am still dealing with daily struggles and grief. My miscarriage happened the day before Thanksgiving, so my main struggle was getting through the holidays not being pregnant, when I should have been.  Each holiday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years, have been tough.  And, I still have several holidays to go through, where I would have been pregnant, like Valentine's day, February 18th (not a holiday, but a day I remember - the day my Papa passed away), St. Patrick's day, Easter, Mother's Day, and Father's Day.  Not to mention, my due date was supposed to be right after Father's Day, on June 23, 2013.

How do I celebrate these holidays?  I was supposed to be pregnant through them.  My baby was supposed to be safe inside of me, growing away without a care in the world.  I was supposed to deliver shortly after Mother's Day and Father's Day.  One of the greatest presents that can be given to a Mother and Father, but I won't get that present this year.

Other struggles I have gone through are seeing other women pregnant.  I knew of about 10-15 women who were pregnant when I got pregnant.  During my pregnancy and after my miscarriage, about 10 more women announced that they were pregnant.  Each time, I am excited for them, but I am also sad because my baby is not here with me anymore.  Bo is in Heaven, though, so I know he is in the best place he can be.

The thing that gets me though, about seeing pregnant women, is when they complain about "pregnancy problems."  I take it to heart when I see these complaints because I would love to be feeling what they are.  I would love to have the back pain, using the bathroom excessively, the big tummy, the kicks, the movements, the cravings, heartburn, sleepless nights, weight gain, and everything else that goes along with pregnancy because it would mean that Bo is still alive and well inside of me.  I know I can't get upset with them for posting and saying these things, but it hurts me.  It hurts because it seems like they are not fully enjoying their pregnancy and their baby, which they probably are (to the best of their abilities) because they have not experienced what I have.

While there are many more struggles I could delve into, I would rather talk about the encouragement now. What I have received from so many has been extremely helpful, comforting, supportive, and healing.  Many ladies reached out to me after my miscarriage.  Ladies that I never knew had been through similar situations.  Ladies who took the time to say, "I am sorry for your loss.  I have been through something similar.  I am here if you need to talk."  That is the most comforting.  To know that somebody is willing to listen to you and talk with you.

While talking can be very beneficial for grieving mothers (fathers, parents, etc.), it can also be very harmful.  Something I learned after my miscarriage.  Other types of encouragement that helped were online support groups, hugs (virtual hugs were sometimes better than real ones because these women knew what I was and am going through), acknowledging my baby (Bo did exist, and he still does), and accepting my grief and me for who I am.  The grief is there.  It will probably always be there.  It will get easier, but I do not believe the grief will ever go away until I am in Heaven with my Savior and my baby.  And, I will always be who I am.  Nobody can change that.  

The things I've learned...

Before, during, and after my miscarriage, I heard, saw, and read many things that I did not know before.  Many terms I had never heard are now becoming a part of my daily life.  Here are a list of several things I had never heard of until after I was pregnant.

Did you know?

• A miscarriage is commonly referred to as a spontaneous abortion {source}.
• Women can have missed miscarriages, also known as missed abortions {source}.
• I had a missed miscarriage.  My baby's heart stopped at 7 weeks, but I did not have my miscarriage until I was almost 12 weeks.  My baby continued to grow until he was measuring 9 weeks, but he did not have a heart beat.  So, I was actually 12 weeks along when I had my miscarriage, but I always say that I was 9 weeks because that is how big my baby was.
• Some pregnancies can be considered failed pregnancies or "incompatible with life" {source}.
• Two terms I hate very much and will be writing about in another blog post.  Luckily, I never heard these terms from my doctors.
• Rainbow babies are babies born after miscarriage, still birth, and babies lost early in life {source}.
• I cannot wait to start TTC my Rainbow baby.  I am a Rainbow baby myself, so I know it is possible.  I also know that God will bless me when the time is right!
• You don't know exactly how it feels until you have been there yourself.
• I have lost other relatives (including my brother and papa), so I know how it feels to lose someone, but the grief from losing a child is so much different.
• If your child has passed away, you are not alone.  Whether it is miscarriage, abortion, still-birth, infant loss, or even losing an adult child, there are others who have been there.
• I did not realize, until after my miscarriage, how often it happens.  I also did not know how many support groups there are and how many people are willing to help you through the grieving process.

There are still several things I am learning, as well. Things about my body, my life, my thoughts, my dreams, my emotions, and my health.  Things that I need to know, but wish that I didn't.

Walking With You: Introduction & Where I am Now

So, for the next 6 weeks (1 post a week), I will be linking up with Sufficient Grace Ministries for the Walking With You Series.

The topic this week is:

January 7, 2013 ~ Introduction and Where are You Now?

Tell us a little about yourself, your baby, and how you've come to this walk.  Also, where are you now in your grief and healing?  Are you new to this, still in the depths of fresh grief?  Have you been walking the path awhile?

I am Kayla Yow.  I am 26 years old.  I live in California with my fiance, but I am originally from North Carolina.  If you would like to know more about us and how we met, you can read the posts, A Boy & A Girl and How We Met.

Our baby's name is Bo Ortiz.  I was only 9 weeks pregnant when I had a miscarriage.  We were not able to find out the sex of our baby, but we wanted him or her to have a name and a Certificate of Life. 

We were overjoyed when we found out we were pregnant, so we told everyone, not realizing that about 8 weeks later we would be telling everybody that our baby had went to Heaven.

My miscarriage happened on 11/21/12, a day I will never forget.  Some days it feels like it has been years since it happened, while other days it feels like it just happened yesterday.

The grief is overwhelming some days.  There are triggers that set it off, like seeing someone announce that they are pregnant, seeing ultrasound and baby bump pictures, hearing a certain song, and  even going to the grocery store.

But, the healing is there, too.  I have God, my fiance, my mom, family, friends, online support groups, and many other women I have met who have traveled this journey as well.

I know I just have to take it one day {sometimes even one hour} at a time.

Happy New Year!

I'm still not sure how I feel about the New Year!

I am excited, while I am also sad.

I should be in between 15 and 18 weeks pregnant.

I should be planning a baby shower, looking at cute baby clothes, and getting giddy over finding out the sex of my child.

I should have a cute little baby bump, and I should be picking out maternity clothes.

Instead, all I have are pictures, memories, and the 6 to 8 pounds that I gained during my short 12 week pregnancy.

I have grief, sadness, anger, disappointment, and jealousy, but I also have comfort, love, support, happiness, and joy.

I have some of the best family and friends anyone could ask for.  My fiance is wonderful.  And, I have met so many other women like me.  Women who have had miscarriages or lost their children in other ways.  Women who offer words of encouragement, comfort, and support.

But, most of all, I have God.  And, He is always on my side.  Even when I stray, He stays.  He waits.  And, He is always there!

I want to thank all of these people.  I have personally (or as personally as I can) thanked most of them.  But, without these people, I don't believe that I would be where I am today.  So, thank you!  From the bottom of my heart, I appreciate what you have done for me!

I may not be pregnant.  I did have a miscarriage, and my child went to Heaven, but it is a blessing to know that Bo is with God right now.  And to know that when the time is right, I will be blessed with another pregnancy and a child.

While this New Year is a sad time for me, it is also a happy time.

A time to move forward.  To help others.  To offer comfort and support.  To continue to heal.  A time to live my life with my fiance, enjoy each other, and enjoy all of the blessings that we have been given.

So, Happy New Years!

May God bestow many blessings and miracles upon you this year!

Why I Write

I write because it helps.  

By sharing my story, I am allowing myself to grieve and heal.  I am putting myself out there because I know that miscarriages happen often.

Death/loss is a part of life.

I hope that by writing, someone, somewhere will be touched.  I hope that someone will receive some comfort from my writing.

I am offering support.  I have been there.  I hope if someone comes to my blog, sees my story, and has been through a miscarriage or some other type of loss, that they feel they can contact me for support.

I am here to help.  Yes, I am still grieving, but I know how it feels.  I know the pain.  I know the anger.

My main reason for writing though, is to share my story.  To share Bo's story.  I want the world to know that it doesn't matter how long I was pregnant or whether or not I delivered him or her, Bo is a person {Jeremiah 1:5}.

He or she is my angel now, watching over me from Heaven.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas to my Angel!  I love and miss you, Bo!

I know it is the day after Christmas, but I avoided Facebook, my blog, and my computer, in general, the past two days {well, I avoided them as much as I could}.

I really did not want to see pictures of pregnant women in cute outfits, standing with their partners in front of the tree, or posts about the pregnancies and what everyone got for Christmas.

I just really wasn't in the mood.  It made it even worse when AF decided to drop by on the 23rd and she hasn't left yet.  I honestly did not think I would be seeing her since I am on the depo shot.  With her coming, I got that reminder that, "Hey! You're not pregnant anymore!  Oh, and guess what?  You are on the depo shot, so no getting pregnant in the near future either!"  It was a horrible feeling.

Flat out, it sucked and it still sucks!

So, I celebrated Christmas in my own way.  I wished our Lord a Happy Birthday.  And, I told my Angels {Bo, James, Papa, and all the others} Merry Christmas, I love them, and I missed them!

And, I didn't do much else.

But, I am a little upset.  Upset because I could not go home to see my family (who I live over 3,000 miles away from).  Upset because I haven't even heard from some of my family (who I thought would call me, but they haven't - and I know it is a two-way street, so I am upset at myself too).  Upset because of the family that I did talk to, only a few of them asked me how I was doing.

But, I know everybody has their own life and their own struggles.  This is my struggle.  I cannot ask someone to bear it with me.  It is not their struggle to bear.  It is mine.  And, I will continue to deal with it.  I will continue to seek support from the online groups I have joined.  I will continue to pray for healing, comfort, and strength.  I will continue to rely on God because in life, He is the only one who will not leave your side.

Post Miscarriage Doctor's Appointments

If you didn't see My Miscarriage Story, you can read it by clicking the link.

After my miscarriage on 11/21/12, I had a couple of follow up visits with the doctor to make sure I was okay.

My first doctor's visit was on Tuesday, 11/27/12.  I went in and had my weight and blood pressure checked, then the nurse proceeded to hand me a cup for a urine sample.  I had not expected this.  I should have, but I just had a miscarriage, so I was not thinking.  I did not expect to have to tell anyone at the doctor's office but the OB/GYN NP about my miscarriage, but at this point I had to let my nurse know as well.  I looked up timidly, and stated, "I had a miscarriage the day before Thanksgiving.  Do you still need a urine sample?"  She said no, told me she was very sorry for my loss, and took me to my room.

The doctor came in shortly after.  She offered her condolences, talked with me and my fiance for a bit about the miscarriage and how we were, then sent me to have blood taken.

On Tuesday, 12/4/12, I went in again to have blood drawn.

Thursday, 12/6/12, the last appointment for the month.  I went in to talk to my OB/GYN NP about my lab results to see if I miscarried all tissue or if I would need a D&C.  My blood work showed that my HCG levels were at 9 (normal for a women who is not pregnant is 5 or below).  To ensure that everything was fine, the doctor wanted me to take a pregnancy test (instead of having blood drawn again).  The pregnancy test was negative.  The doctor said I was fine.  She suggested that I go on the depo shot to get my progesterone levels back up, if I did not want to try to get pregnant again right away.

Honestly, I wanted to try again right away.  I still kind of do, but I knew by getting the depo shot, I was helping my body heal, both physically and emotionally from the miscarriage.  So, I got the depo shot.  For the next three months (if not more), I will have time to heal and prepare for when we want to try to get pregnant again.

My Angel in Heaven

I did not know when, or even if, I would be ready to post my story.  It is still so fresh, and so many things make me think about my baby and how it could have been.  But, I know that many women go through similar situations, and I just hope that it will help these women, their partners, and anyone else who has or is grieving the loss of a baby or child.  Also, I hope that it will help in my healing process.

I wanted to post this first, before I post my story, because I will be going into some details about the miscarriage.  Some of these details may be too graphic or explicit for some individuals, but I want to post everything.  

So many women experience miscarriages, but not very many of them seem to talk about it.  I want to share my story because it is important to me, and I want other women to know that they are not alone.

According to the American Pregnancy Association, "the chances of having a miscarriage can range from 10-25%," (source).  That means that between 1 out of 10 and 1 out of 4 pregnancies result in miscarriage.

{source}

{source}

I am a mommy.  I have a beautiful Angel baby watching over me from Heaven.  I never got to hold my baby, hug or kiss him or her here on Earth, but I know one day, I will get to see, hold, hug, and kiss him or her, when we meet again in Heaven.

This is our story...