Day 3: Pregnancy Photo

Day 3:  Pregnancy Photo

June 3, 2013

I love all of my pregnancy photos, but I chose these two to share today!

My pregnancy photos are so important to me because they are the only photos I have of Bo!

They mean so much to me!

I am so happy that I decided to take so many photos of myself while I was pregnant, and if I had known then what I know now, I would have taken even more photos!

You may not be able to see it, but I can clearly remember what I was feeling when these photos were taken!

I was so happy that my baby was growing inside of me!  I was so thrilled to have this miracle to call my own!

I was and am so in love with my baby boy, Bo!

A boy & A girl - One year

Today has been one year since Justin and I started dating, and we are still going strong!

After all that we have been through.  Everything that could have torn us apart.  Everything that has torn so many relationships apart.

We are still together!

And, we are better than ever!

We are soulmates!

We are better together!

I love you, Justin, more than words can describe!

Happy 1 year anniversary!

Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day!

May 12, 2013

For Mother's Day, I enjoyed the day relaxing, then went out to grab dinner with my fiance.

My fiance, our dog, and me on Mother's Day!

I called my mom to wish her a Happy Mother's Day!

Out of my family, she is the only one who wished me a Happy Mother's Day as well {not including my fiance}!

I was a little hurt that none of my other family called, text, or sent me a message to check on me this Mother's Day!  I guess I was just expecting a little more from them, but it is okay!  I had a wonderful day, anyways!  I have a wonderful community who supported me, thought about me, and sent me messages.

I even received some gifts for Mother's day from some of my friends.

Catherine from The Sacred Seashore & Gabriel's Garden sent me this photo!  It is so beautiful! <3

Bo's name was included in this photo, taken by one of the Moms, Brenda, who participated in the Mother's Day Name Event!  {I will be posting all the photos that I received through this event later in the month!}

Ballons on the beach from Gale @ Fittsies' Angel Balloons.  So beautiful! <3

You can see Bo's name on the bottom left side! <3

Painting from Kyla @ Tossie's Tree!  She is so talented with her paintings!  <3

Bo's Name plaque/statue from Catherine @ The Sacred Seashore & Gabriel's Garden! <3  I absolutely love this!  I stare at it daily! <3

Bo's Block from Maura Lynn's Baby Loss Memorial Blocks!

Here are some things I did myself:

I love seeing his name, and I thought this was so beautiful! <3  

A drawing I did on 5.10.13, while thinking about Mother's Day!  {No, I am not a artist! Please do not criticize my child-like drawing techniques!}

The status I wrote on Facebook for Mother's Day:

Happy Mother's Day to all the amazing Moms! 

To all the Moms who have children on Earth,

& especially to those who don't! 

To all the Moms who have children living at home,

& to those who don't! 

To all the Moms who want children, but cannot or have not 

had any! 

To all the Moms who have no children, but take care of 

everyone else's! 

To all the Moms who adopted instead of birthing! 

You are all Mothers! You are all beautiful! 

Happy Mother's Day to you! 

Happy Mother's Day to my baby boy!  Without you, I would 

not be a Mom!  Thank you, Bo, for making me a Mother!

4 Months

Yesterday, 3.21.12, was Bo's 4 month Angelversary.

I had been thinking about it coming up, but I didn't even realize it when the day got here.

I have to say, it is getting easier.  I guess that means I am healing.  Not forgetting.  But, learning to live this new life.

I still hurt.  Some days it still seems unbearable.  Other days, I am fine.  I know where Bo is, and I know I will see him again someday.

Yesterday, I received my ribbon from Gianna's Light.

The ribbon is so beautiful! <3

Then, today I got my bear from Project B.E.A.R.

It is so soft and cuddly! <3

I am happy to have gotten both of the items.  The items that I have gotten so far are really helping me to heal.  And, I am also happy to be healing.

I will never forget my baby.  I will always remember and honor his life.  My heart will always have a piece that is missing.  That is, until I get to Heaven with my baby.

Journal Entry: Grief is exhausting

Grief is exhausting.  Mentally, physically, & emotionally exhausting.  

It is also painful.  Very, very, very (I could go on all day) painful.

It hurts.  And not just a little.  A lot.  A whole lot.

Like deep down in your bones.  All through your muscles.

Straight into the heart.

Where the hole is.  The big hole.  A great big hole.

So big, it feels like I shouldn't have a heart.

Actually, it feels like I shouldn't be here.

I am in that hole.

It is bigger than me.

It consumes me.

Every fiber of my being is consumed by the great big hole.

The hole that is in my heart.

The hole that was left when my baby went to Heaven.

The hole that took the space.  The space in my life where my baby should be.

Bo is & will always be in my heart & life, but not in the way that most moms have their baby.

Instead of celebrating birthdays, holidays, milestones, good grades, etc., I spend time, effort, & money to remember my baby.

To honor his life & cherish the memories I have.

And, now I live with the grief & the pain.

Everyday.

It is there.

Some days are easier than others, but some days I just want to curl up in bed, forget the outside world, & sleep for days.

Three Months

Bo has now been in Heaven for longer than he was on earth.
For longer than he spent in my womb.

It has been 13 weeks and 1 day since my miscarriage.
I would be 25 weeks pregnant today.

Today, I should be registering gifts for my baby shower.  Planning the details, like what food would be served, what the theme would be, and who to invite.

Instead, I had a memorial for my baby boy.  I spent time thinking about him and doing things in his memory.

Brick Wall picture I did for Bo <3

Bo's origami coyote I made him

Bo's pebbles <3

Bo with his coyote

Bo's memory box I made him

 

Bo's memory box full of the special items

Bo's table

We love and miss you, Bo!  We think of you each and every day.
Happy 3 month Angelversary, baby boy! <3

Happy Valentine's Day!

I couldn't get this posted yesterday as I was having too much fun celebrating Valentine's day with my fiance, but here it is now.

Our day can best be imagined/described through pictures, so forgive me for the overload below.

"I love you" french toast for Justin!

"Heart" french toast for me!

View from our picnic table where we ate a late lunch!

Us after eating lunch!

{I think this is the best pic I have taken in a while!}

Justin looking at his gift {a "book of love - love coupons}!

We had someone join us for lunch!

I burnt my fingers cooking dinner! OUCH!

Got these hearts in the mail from Rhonda {a great Valentine's day gift}!

Also got my rock in the mail from Kyla {another great Valentine's day gift}!

So beautiful!

Bo & his Angel friends celebrating Valentine's day {each heart has a name}!

Since the names couldn't be seen on the hearts, I wrote them on the table!

Bo's Valentine I made him! <3

My fiance and I ate breakfast, lunch, dinner, and dessert together.  This is something we don't often do, even though we spend pretty much every minute of every day together!  We also don't usually go out {leave the house}, unless we absolutely have to, so it was nice walking down to the park to eat our lunch.  We are definitely planning on doing that more often!

Overall, we thoroughly enjoyed our day together!  And I enjoyed sending love and happy thoughts to Heaven for Bo and all other Angel babies!

Happy Valentine's Day!

Walking With You: Finding Hope & Healing

February 11, 2013 ~ Finding Hope and Healing (With or Without a Rainbow)

For this post, we will share our experiences with longing for another baby to fill our empty arms.  Some experienced a subsequent pregnancy after loss.  Some may be fearful of embarking on that journey again.  Some may not be able to have another child, whether due to infertility or other reasons.  Some may have found that having another baby, however precious a gift, was not the key to healing the grief.  Can you experience hope and healing...even if there is no rainbow after the storm?



Oh, how I want to be a mother to a child on earth.  I have always wanted to be a mom.  That was my dream as a child.  To grow up, get married, and have children.  I honestly thought that by this time in my life (at the age of 26), I would have at least one child.  But, if I am going to be really honest, I thought that I would be done having children by now.  I thought I would have my own home, with a husband, and 2.5 kids.  But, instead, I live with my fiance, in a house that he rents, and we have 1 child in Heaven and our furry child here with us.

I can't say that I am not happy because I am.  But, I am also sad.  

My thoughts about being a mother have changed since my baby died.  They actually changed a few years back (before my miscarriage) around the time that I was 23, but they have definitely changed even more now.  You see, I did not think that I could get pregnant.  For a long time, I thought that I would never have a child of my own.  Not a biological, blood, created by me & my partner, carried in my womb child.

Then, I got pregnant.  I couldn't believe it.  God had given me such a great gift, blessing, and miracle.  I was pregnant.  I was going to have a child of my own.  Guess again.  I had a miscarriage.  My child was born into Heaven.  He never experienced this earth outside of my womb.

Do I want a baby?  Yes.  Do I want to get pregnant, carry my baby full-term, give birth, and raise my own child on earth?  Yes.  Do I want this right now?  I don't know.

I am scared, anxious, nervous, and not sure if I am ready to have a baby.  If I get pregnant again, I know that I will be so scared.  Scared that the same thing will happen.  Scared that I will not be able to protect my child, again.

If we do not or cannot get pregnant again, we are open to adoption. So many children need homes, and we are more than willing to adopt a child and provide a home.  And, if worse comes to worse, I believe I will be fine with us just being together.  As much as I would love a child, I know that I can be happy with just my fiance and me.

After all is said and done, though, I know everything will happen on God's time.  I am trusting in Him to guide me and give me what I need to do His will.  He will provide hope and healing to me, no matter what, as long as I have faith and believe in Him.

Two Months

Some days it feels like it was just yesterday, while other days I feel like it has been forever.  Today, I am having both of these feelings, which is weird.  I cannot believe it has been two months because it feels like it just happened, while it also seems like it was so long ago and just a distant memory.

Today is Bo's two month Angelversary.  He is celebrating his second month in Heaven with all of the other Angels, Jesus, and God.  I know my brother and papa are looking over him up there until I can get there!

This morning, when I woke up, I did not want to get out of bed.  I seriously debated sleeping all through the day until tomorrow arrived.  I did not feel good at all.  I did not get much sleep, my throat has been so sore, and I have been running a slight fever everyday this week, not to mention the cramps and twinges that I have been having in my lower abdomen.  BUT, my wonderful fiance mentioned pancakes.  And, I wanted some.  So, I got out of bed.

I got a cup of coffee, and shortly after I woke up, my fiance started making pancakes, which most of them turned out disastrous.  {Let me just mention, he is awesome at making pancakes, so this was unusual.  We think we need new pans!}  But, he did get one pancake to turn out okay.  And, that was all I needed.

My horrible cutting skills, but this is Bo's 2 month Angelversary pancake that we shared.

After eating pancakes, I went back to bed.  I napped for about 3 to 4 hours, when I woke up sobbing.  I had a horrible dream, where I was so upset and sad about today, and I had nobody to talk to.  It seemed like nobody cared or wanted to listen to me.  Then, a women (that I do not know) grabbed me and hugged me.  She was talking to me, telling me everything is okay, and she helped me to feel better.  When she hugged me and was talking to me, I immediately thought of the support groups that I have joined and all of the other BLMs that I have connected with.  I thought about how they all make me feel better.  How I do not know these women, but they are able to give me hugs (virtual hugs, but they are still hugs) and talk to me, encourage me, support me, and comfort me.  So, even though I was still crying, upset, and disoriented, I was also calm, at ease, and felt very peaceful.

Tonight, I decided to take pictures of the moon and Jupiter and Bo's candle.  Something that really calmed me down.  I am forewarning you, there is a picture frenzy below!

Jupiter is top-right of the moon.  I noticed after I took the pic and was looking over them, the swirlies in the bottom-left of the picture.  It made me think of an Angel flying around up there.

 

The best picture I got of the moon and Jupiter.  The wind was blowing so hard, and it was chilly, so I was shaking.  So that is why all of the others are so blurry and swirly!

Zoomed in and cropped the best picture, so that the moon and Jupiter are more visible.

Bo's candle sitting by a tree.

With the flash.

 Dear Bo,

Mommy and Daddy love and miss you very much!  We can't wait until we can meet you, see you, touch you, hug you, kiss you, and talk to you!  Until that day, please watch over us, keep us safe, and guide us where we need to go!

We love you, Bo, our perfect Angel!