Walking With You: Finding Hope & Healing

February 11, 2013 ~ Finding Hope and Healing (With or Without a Rainbow)

For this post, we will share our experiences with longing for another baby to fill our empty arms.  Some experienced a subsequent pregnancy after loss.  Some may be fearful of embarking on that journey again.  Some may not be able to have another child, whether due to infertility or other reasons.  Some may have found that having another baby, however precious a gift, was not the key to healing the grief.  Can you experience hope and healing...even if there is no rainbow after the storm?



Oh, how I want to be a mother to a child on earth.  I have always wanted to be a mom.  That was my dream as a child.  To grow up, get married, and have children.  I honestly thought that by this time in my life (at the age of 26), I would have at least one child.  But, if I am going to be really honest, I thought that I would be done having children by now.  I thought I would have my own home, with a husband, and 2.5 kids.  But, instead, I live with my fiance, in a house that he rents, and we have 1 child in Heaven and our furry child here with us.

I can't say that I am not happy because I am.  But, I am also sad.  

My thoughts about being a mother have changed since my baby died.  They actually changed a few years back (before my miscarriage) around the time that I was 23, but they have definitely changed even more now.  You see, I did not think that I could get pregnant.  For a long time, I thought that I would never have a child of my own.  Not a biological, blood, created by me & my partner, carried in my womb child.

Then, I got pregnant.  I couldn't believe it.  God had given me such a great gift, blessing, and miracle.  I was pregnant.  I was going to have a child of my own.  Guess again.  I had a miscarriage.  My child was born into Heaven.  He never experienced this earth outside of my womb.

Do I want a baby?  Yes.  Do I want to get pregnant, carry my baby full-term, give birth, and raise my own child on earth?  Yes.  Do I want this right now?  I don't know.

I am scared, anxious, nervous, and not sure if I am ready to have a baby.  If I get pregnant again, I know that I will be so scared.  Scared that the same thing will happen.  Scared that I will not be able to protect my child, again.

If we do not or cannot get pregnant again, we are open to adoption. So many children need homes, and we are more than willing to adopt a child and provide a home.  And, if worse comes to worse, I believe I will be fine with us just being together.  As much as I would love a child, I know that I can be happy with just my fiance and me.

After all is said and done, though, I know everything will happen on God's time.  I am trusting in Him to guide me and give me what I need to do His will.  He will provide hope and healing to me, no matter what, as long as I have faith and believe in Him.

Walking With You: Mirror, Mirror ~ The Comparison Trap

February 4, 2013 ~ Mirror, Mirror ~ The Comparison Trap

Mothers often fall into the trap of comparing ourselves to one another.  This is a trap many women fall into.  We compare our families, mothering styles, fashion sense, careers or lack thereof, bodies, etc.  Even mothers with babies in heaven compare the way we grieve our children.  I know...sad...but we do it, if we're honest enough to admit it.  So, how can we find freedom from this?  Sharing is a start...telling the truth...admitting the struggle.  I think, then, we will see that we all love our children, regardless of how we choose to remember and honor their lives...whether publicly or quietly...with big parties or simple moments of remembrance.  Be real on this week's post, and let's free ourselves from the trap of comparing!


No comparing...but, isn't that part of human nature.  I know I have done it more times than I can count.  I have definitely compared my pregnancy, miscarriage, and grief to others.  Not that I really wanted to, but it happens.

Grieving - I know how to do this, but I have falling into the comparison trap.  I have read and saw the way others grieve and wondered if I grieved hard or long enough.

I have seen more loss in my life than I wanted to.  My brother passed away when I was 9.  My papa passed away when I was 17.  My baby passed away shortly after I turned 26.  I have also had several friends, cousins, uncles, and my great-grandparents pass away during those 17 years.  Death.  It happens.  We cannot have life without it.  But grieving.  Grieving is another story.

There is no book that describes how we should grieve.  Is it supposed to be different for each individual person?  Are we supposed to grieve differently for each person we love that has passed away?  How long are we supposed to grieve?  If we don't grieve the person who passed away, does it mean we love them any less than the others?  There are no specific answers to these questions, that I have found.  But, each individual person has to answer these questions for themselves.

My grief is not your grief.  We will grieve differently.  No matter how you grieve, it is not wrong.  It does not mean that you did not love the person.  I have learned through my personal situations that I grieve each individual person that passes differently.

My brother was the first person I knew to pass away.  I was only 9 years old.  I still grieve for him to this day, but I know he is in a better place.  He had several disabilities/disorders, which kept him from living a happy, healthy life on earth.  When he passed at only 13 years old, I accepted that God took him to end his suffering.  I knew he went to Heaven.  I know he is up there running around, playing, laughing, talking, etc.  All things he could not do on earth.

When my papa passed, I accepted that his life had come to an end.  Again, I still grieve for him, but I know that he lived a full, happy life on earth, and now he is living his eternal life in Heaven.  It was the natural order of things.  To live a full life on earth, than go to Heaven to spend eternity.

When my baby passed, I could not accept it at first.  It is still hard to this day to accept that I will not get to see his beautiful face on earth.  There are no answers to the questions that I have.  There was no reason given for why he passed.  He was just starting his life within me.  How could he be gone so soon?  I still want to curl up in a ball in bed and cry.  I still want to know why.  I still have questions.  I know that Bo is in Heaven, but I don't know why he couldn't spend more time on earth with me.

For each person, I grieved.  I loved them all.  But, I have grieved the hardest for my child.  I love him.  I miss him.  And, I have unanswered questions, which makes it even more difficult to accept that he is gone.

Honoring & Remembering - I have definitely done this throughout my life as well.  I think this is mainly where the comparing comes in.  I see how other moms remember their children, and it makes me wonder if I am doing enough.  Am I really showing people how much I love and miss my child through what I am doing?  {As I sit here and type this and read over it, I can't help but think now that I really don't care.  I know how much I love my child.  I know how much I miss him.  What I am doing is helping me heal and remember, so that is all that matters!}

Every month, and on holidays, I have done something for my baby boy, Bo.  I have a candle that I light for him on his angelversaries {month 1 and month 2}.  My fiance and I bought him a stocking and ornament for our Christmas tree.  I made him another ornament/tree topper for the tree.  This blog was made especially for him.  Originally it was a way for me to share with my family {since they all live on the East Coast, and I live on the West Coast} my progress through my pregnancy.  Now it is my way to remember Bo.  Writing helps me.  I am healing through my writing.

I also love to take pictures.  I have started taking pictures for other bereaved families.  This also helps me to heal.  I am honoring Bo by helping other families to remember their children.  I am trying to put together a list of resources for grieving families and for individuals who have suffered losses through miscarriage.

I am doing what I can with what I have.  That is the best that I can do!  That is all I need to do.

I remember my baby.  I will not forget him.  I love him with all of my heart, soul, and being.  He is and always will be my first child.  We were not able to spend much time together on earth, but I know I will see him again one day in Heaven.

Until then, I am going to continue to honor and remember him.

Walking With You: Overcoming Guilt and Embracing Joy

January 28, 2013 ~ Overcoming Guilt & Embracing Joy

One area so many mothers struggle with is guilt, especially those who experience the loss of a baby/child.  We want to address this struggle in this post.  It will help mothers quietly battling guilt for living life and experiencing joy to know they are not alone.  Other moms silently battle this as well.  Whether it is the startling first time you really laugh after losing your child, or whether you have experienced the healing balm of joy for years, share your thoughts on this week's post.


"Whether it is the startling first time you really laugh after losing your child..."  It is kind of funny that this is in the description of what I am supposed to write about.  The first time I remember really laughing after my miscarriage, it shocked me.  I abruptly stopped because the sound was so foreign to me.  It was too joyous.  My baby had just died.  How could I be laughing?  I was supposed to be grieving, not celebrating!  How could I enjoy life when my baby did not get that chance?  So many questions, thoughts, and concerns went through my head.  I felt so guilty.  I began crying.  I sobbed.

I felt like a failure!

Guilt.  It can sneak up on you.  It does sneak up on you.  It has happened several times between my miscarriage and now, just 2 months, 1 week, and 4 days later.

I felt guilty about having my miscarriage.  Maybe I did something wrong.  Did I do something wrong?  I don't know.  I would like to think that I did everything right, but I don't know.  Could I have done something different?  Could I have ate better?  Could I have stopped drinking coffee and sodas completely?  Could I have exercised more or less?  Would any of it helped?

I felt guilty about telling certain people and forgetting to tell others.
I felt guilty about failing my baby.
I felt guilty that my body could not carry my baby full-term.
I felt guilty that even though I could get pregnant, I could not deliver a healthy baby.

I felt like a failure!

One day, I felt so down that I just started sobbing.  My fiance sat down beside me and asked me what was wrong.  I told him, "I am a failure!"  He asked me what I was talking about.  In between sobs, I rambled off something like this:

I am a failure.
I failed at being a mom.
I failed at being pregnant.
I failed at being a daughter.
I failed at being a sister.
I failed at being an aunt.
I failed at being your girl-friend/fiance.
I failed at being a student.
I failed at life.
I AM A FAILURE!

This was one of my weakest moments.  Just writing about it now makes some of those feelings come back.  It makes my cry.  I am not sobbing this time, but the tears are definitely there.

The guilt and the grief were too much.  I could not handle it, so I would just break down and cry.  I would listen to songs that would make me cry.  Sometimes I would feel like I wasn't crying enough.  How could I truly be grieving if I wasn't crying?  Then there were some days when I thought that I was letting it all consume me.  I thought that I was thinking too much, doing too much, crying too much.

Luckily, I can say that I no longer feel like a failure.  I now laugh and enjoy life.  I know that I have to.  I know that Bo would want me to.  I still have days where I cry, where I feel down, where I just want to curl up in a ball in bed and sleep for days.  But, I am doing better!

I look at life differently now.  I do my best to enjoy every minute of it because it is a gift!  We are not promised tomorrow!  I love deeper, I laugh harder, I live fully!  I do this because Bo didn't get the chance.  I do my best to live my life in a way that would make Bo proud!

Walking With You: Steps back into life

January 21, 2013 ~ Steps Back into Life

Share about your first steps back into life.  What helped you survive in the world outside as you took those first tender steps?  Are there still tender areas for you today, living in a world that doesn't embrace or understand the loss of a baby/child?  How do you cope with those struggles?  What advice would you offer those new to this walk to encourage and bring hope?  How has this changed for you from the beginning?  If you are in early grief, what do you fear/struggle with as you try to navigate a new normal....life without your baby?


My main fear is that Bo will not be remembered.

My main struggle is dealing with all of the pregnancies and babies around me.

I do not believe there will ever be a new "normal" for me.  I do not want to live my life without my baby.  For this reason, I have this blog.  I constantly talk about Bo.  I think about him all the time.  I want him to be remembered.  I want people to know that he is a person.  He is important.  He is loved.  He is missed.

I also struggle with the fact that miscarriage is such a taboo subject. Like I should be ashamed just for saying the word.

I thought that I had been doing well with my grief.  I thought that I was handling myself well.  I thought that I was handling my grief.  That I was embracing it, understanding it, dealing with it, working through it.  I thought.

Yesterday, I had a WIC appointment.  I had to go get my new vouchers.  I was sick.  My fiance was sick.  We did not want to go, but we made the trip anyways.  As I was sitting in the waiting area, I started to feel my chest tighten.  I couldn't breathe.  My vision was fading.  I couldn't see, clearly.  I felt like I was going to faint/black out.  I thought it was the sickness.  It had to be the cold that I had, but why was my vision going.  It was the first time that I had a panic attack, and I didn't immediately recognize it.  I did recognize it soon enough that I didn't faint, but it still took me longer than it ever has.  So, it was the sickness.  Just not the one I was thinking.  After I recognized what was going on, I started taking deep breaths and got it under control.  Not gone, but manageable.  

Just like my grief.  It will never be gone, but I have been able to manage.

After my WIC appointment, my fiance had a doctor's appointment. While we were there, I needed to set up an appointment for blood work {for WIC - to prove that my miscarriage happened and my blood and iron levels were back to normal}.  I was explaining to the receptionist what I needed, and I felt like I should have been ashamed.  She was asking another lady some questions about how to put it in the computer, what doctor I should see, etc., and she would not talk about it out loud.  She got out of her chair, walked over to the other lady, and was whispering.  After my panic attack earlier that day, I just wanted to scream.  "Why are we whispering?"  "Why should I be ashamed?"  "Why can't we talk about it?"

My baby died.  I know this.  With life, there is death.  I know this.  My baby is in Heaven. I know this.  So why are we so ashamed to talk about miscarriage and death.  Should I be ashamed that I had a miscarriage?  That my body was not able to carry my baby to full term?  That I did not have a living baby?  That my baby was not able to survive?  That my baby died?  Should I be ashamed?

Should I be ashamed?  That seems to be the million dollar question.  Well my answer is NO.  No woman should be ashamed to have a miscarriage or talk about it.  She should not feel the need to hide her grief, her pain, her anger, her anxiety, her panic, or her fears.  We should not feel the need to hide the fact that we had a miscarriage or to not talk about it.

In fact, I think that talking about it is a great idea.  I think that talking about it helps.  It heals.  So, for as long as I can, I will talk about miscarriage.  But, not just miscarriage in general.  I will talk about my miscarriage.  I will talk about my baby.  I will help others when I can.  

I will not stop, so don't ask me to!

Walking With You: Clinging in the Pit

January 14, 2013 ~ Clinging in the Pit

If you are not new to loss, talk a bit about early grief.  What was it like, clinging for hope in the pits of despair?  What did you cling to for hope?  How did you survive the early days?  What helped?  What do you wish you could share with someone new to this walk, clinging in the pit?  If you're in the pit, currently, share your struggles.  What can others do to encourage you?

Since my miscarriage was only 7.5 weeks ago, I would say that I am still currently in the pit.  I am still dealing with daily struggles and grief. My miscarriage happened the day before Thanksgiving, so my main struggle was getting through the holidays not being pregnant, when I should have been.  Each holiday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years, have been tough.  And, I still have several holidays to go through, where I would have been pregnant, like Valentine's day, February 18th (not a holiday, but a day I remember - the day my Papa passed away), St. Patrick's day, Easter, Mother's Day, and Father's Day.  Not to mention, my due date was supposed to be right after Father's Day, on June 23, 2013.

How do I celebrate these holidays?  I was supposed to be pregnant through them.  My baby was supposed to be safe inside of me, growing away without a care in the world.  I was supposed to deliver shortly after Mother's Day and Father's Day.  One of the greatest presents that can be given to a Mother and Father, but I won't get that present this year.

Other struggles I have gone through are seeing other women pregnant.  I knew of about 10-15 women who were pregnant when I got pregnant.  During my pregnancy and after my miscarriage, about 10 more women announced that they were pregnant.  Each time, I am excited for them, but I am also sad because my baby is not here with me anymore.  Bo is in Heaven, though, so I know he is in the best place he can be.

The thing that gets me though, about seeing pregnant women, is when they complain about "pregnancy problems."  I take it to heart when I see these complaints because I would love to be feeling what they are.  I would love to have the back pain, using the bathroom excessively, the big tummy, the kicks, the movements, the cravings, heartburn, sleepless nights, weight gain, and everything else that goes along with pregnancy because it would mean that Bo is still alive and well inside of me.  I know I can't get upset with them for posting and saying these things, but it hurts me.  It hurts because it seems like they are not fully enjoying their pregnancy and their baby, which they probably are (to the best of their abilities) because they have not experienced what I have.

While there are many more struggles I could delve into, I would rather talk about the encouragement now. What I have received from so many has been extremely helpful, comforting, supportive, and healing.  Many ladies reached out to me after my miscarriage.  Ladies that I never knew had been through similar situations.  Ladies who took the time to say, "I am sorry for your loss.  I have been through something similar.  I am here if you need to talk."  That is the most comforting.  To know that somebody is willing to listen to you and talk with you.

While talking can be very beneficial for grieving mothers (fathers, parents, etc.), it can also be very harmful.  Something I learned after my miscarriage.  Other types of encouragement that helped were online support groups, hugs (virtual hugs were sometimes better than real ones because these women knew what I was and am going through), acknowledging my baby (Bo did exist, and he still does), and accepting my grief and me for who I am.  The grief is there.  It will probably always be there.  It will get easier, but I do not believe the grief will ever go away until I am in Heaven with my Savior and my baby.  And, I will always be who I am.  Nobody can change that.  

Walking With You: Introduction & Where I am Now

So, for the next 6 weeks (1 post a week), I will be linking up with Sufficient Grace Ministries for the Walking With You Series.

The topic this week is:

January 7, 2013 ~ Introduction and Where are You Now?

Tell us a little about yourself, your baby, and how you've come to this walk.  Also, where are you now in your grief and healing?  Are you new to this, still in the depths of fresh grief?  Have you been walking the path awhile?

I am Kayla Yow.  I am 26 years old.  I live in California with my fiance, but I am originally from North Carolina.  If you would like to know more about us and how we met, you can read the posts, A Boy & A Girl and How We Met.

Our baby's name is Bo Ortiz.  I was only 9 weeks pregnant when I had a miscarriage.  We were not able to find out the sex of our baby, but we wanted him or her to have a name and a Certificate of Life. 

We were overjoyed when we found out we were pregnant, so we told everyone, not realizing that about 8 weeks later we would be telling everybody that our baby had went to Heaven.

My miscarriage happened on 11/21/12, a day I will never forget.  Some days it feels like it has been years since it happened, while other days it feels like it just happened yesterday.

The grief is overwhelming some days.  There are triggers that set it off, like seeing someone announce that they are pregnant, seeing ultrasound and baby bump pictures, hearing a certain song, and  even going to the grocery store.

But, the healing is there, too.  I have God, my fiance, my mom, family, friends, online support groups, and many other women I have met who have traveled this journey as well.

I know I just have to take it one day {sometimes even one hour} at a time.