Walking With You: Steps back into life

January 21, 2013 ~ Steps Back into Life

Share about your first steps back into life.  What helped you survive in the world outside as you took those first tender steps?  Are there still tender areas for you today, living in a world that doesn't embrace or understand the loss of a baby/child?  How do you cope with those struggles?  What advice would you offer those new to this walk to encourage and bring hope?  How has this changed for you from the beginning?  If you are in early grief, what do you fear/struggle with as you try to navigate a new normal....life without your baby?


My main fear is that Bo will not be remembered.

My main struggle is dealing with all of the pregnancies and babies around me.

I do not believe there will ever be a new "normal" for me.  I do not want to live my life without my baby.  For this reason, I have this blog.  I constantly talk about Bo.  I think about him all the time.  I want him to be remembered.  I want people to know that he is a person.  He is important.  He is loved.  He is missed.

I also struggle with the fact that miscarriage is such a taboo subject. Like I should be ashamed just for saying the word.

I thought that I had been doing well with my grief.  I thought that I was handling myself well.  I thought that I was handling my grief.  That I was embracing it, understanding it, dealing with it, working through it.  I thought.

Yesterday, I had a WIC appointment.  I had to go get my new vouchers.  I was sick.  My fiance was sick.  We did not want to go, but we made the trip anyways.  As I was sitting in the waiting area, I started to feel my chest tighten.  I couldn't breathe.  My vision was fading.  I couldn't see, clearly.  I felt like I was going to faint/black out.  I thought it was the sickness.  It had to be the cold that I had, but why was my vision going.  It was the first time that I had a panic attack, and I didn't immediately recognize it.  I did recognize it soon enough that I didn't faint, but it still took me longer than it ever has.  So, it was the sickness.  Just not the one I was thinking.  After I recognized what was going on, I started taking deep breaths and got it under control.  Not gone, but manageable.  

Just like my grief.  It will never be gone, but I have been able to manage.

After my WIC appointment, my fiance had a doctor's appointment. While we were there, I needed to set up an appointment for blood work {for WIC - to prove that my miscarriage happened and my blood and iron levels were back to normal}.  I was explaining to the receptionist what I needed, and I felt like I should have been ashamed.  She was asking another lady some questions about how to put it in the computer, what doctor I should see, etc., and she would not talk about it out loud.  She got out of her chair, walked over to the other lady, and was whispering.  After my panic attack earlier that day, I just wanted to scream.  "Why are we whispering?"  "Why should I be ashamed?"  "Why can't we talk about it?"

My baby died.  I know this.  With life, there is death.  I know this.  My baby is in Heaven. I know this.  So why are we so ashamed to talk about miscarriage and death.  Should I be ashamed that I had a miscarriage?  That my body was not able to carry my baby to full term?  That I did not have a living baby?  That my baby was not able to survive?  That my baby died?  Should I be ashamed?

Should I be ashamed?  That seems to be the million dollar question.  Well my answer is NO.  No woman should be ashamed to have a miscarriage or talk about it.  She should not feel the need to hide her grief, her pain, her anger, her anxiety, her panic, or her fears.  We should not feel the need to hide the fact that we had a miscarriage or to not talk about it.

In fact, I think that talking about it is a great idea.  I think that talking about it helps.  It heals.  So, for as long as I can, I will talk about miscarriage.  But, not just miscarriage in general.  I will talk about my miscarriage.  I will talk about my baby.  I will help others when I can.  

I will not stop, so don't ask me to!

Walking With You: Clinging in the Pit

January 14, 2013 ~ Clinging in the Pit

If you are not new to loss, talk a bit about early grief.  What was it like, clinging for hope in the pits of despair?  What did you cling to for hope?  How did you survive the early days?  What helped?  What do you wish you could share with someone new to this walk, clinging in the pit?  If you're in the pit, currently, share your struggles.  What can others do to encourage you?

Since my miscarriage was only 7.5 weeks ago, I would say that I am still currently in the pit.  I am still dealing with daily struggles and grief. My miscarriage happened the day before Thanksgiving, so my main struggle was getting through the holidays not being pregnant, when I should have been.  Each holiday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years, have been tough.  And, I still have several holidays to go through, where I would have been pregnant, like Valentine's day, February 18th (not a holiday, but a day I remember - the day my Papa passed away), St. Patrick's day, Easter, Mother's Day, and Father's Day.  Not to mention, my due date was supposed to be right after Father's Day, on June 23, 2013.

How do I celebrate these holidays?  I was supposed to be pregnant through them.  My baby was supposed to be safe inside of me, growing away without a care in the world.  I was supposed to deliver shortly after Mother's Day and Father's Day.  One of the greatest presents that can be given to a Mother and Father, but I won't get that present this year.

Other struggles I have gone through are seeing other women pregnant.  I knew of about 10-15 women who were pregnant when I got pregnant.  During my pregnancy and after my miscarriage, about 10 more women announced that they were pregnant.  Each time, I am excited for them, but I am also sad because my baby is not here with me anymore.  Bo is in Heaven, though, so I know he is in the best place he can be.

The thing that gets me though, about seeing pregnant women, is when they complain about "pregnancy problems."  I take it to heart when I see these complaints because I would love to be feeling what they are.  I would love to have the back pain, using the bathroom excessively, the big tummy, the kicks, the movements, the cravings, heartburn, sleepless nights, weight gain, and everything else that goes along with pregnancy because it would mean that Bo is still alive and well inside of me.  I know I can't get upset with them for posting and saying these things, but it hurts me.  It hurts because it seems like they are not fully enjoying their pregnancy and their baby, which they probably are (to the best of their abilities) because they have not experienced what I have.

While there are many more struggles I could delve into, I would rather talk about the encouragement now. What I have received from so many has been extremely helpful, comforting, supportive, and healing.  Many ladies reached out to me after my miscarriage.  Ladies that I never knew had been through similar situations.  Ladies who took the time to say, "I am sorry for your loss.  I have been through something similar.  I am here if you need to talk."  That is the most comforting.  To know that somebody is willing to listen to you and talk with you.

While talking can be very beneficial for grieving mothers (fathers, parents, etc.), it can also be very harmful.  Something I learned after my miscarriage.  Other types of encouragement that helped were online support groups, hugs (virtual hugs were sometimes better than real ones because these women knew what I was and am going through), acknowledging my baby (Bo did exist, and he still does), and accepting my grief and me for who I am.  The grief is there.  It will probably always be there.  It will get easier, but I do not believe the grief will ever go away until I am in Heaven with my Savior and my baby.  And, I will always be who I am.  Nobody can change that.  

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas to my Angel!  I love and miss you, Bo!

I know it is the day after Christmas, but I avoided Facebook, my blog, and my computer, in general, the past two days {well, I avoided them as much as I could}.

I really did not want to see pictures of pregnant women in cute outfits, standing with their partners in front of the tree, or posts about the pregnancies and what everyone got for Christmas.

I just really wasn't in the mood.  It made it even worse when AF decided to drop by on the 23rd and she hasn't left yet.  I honestly did not think I would be seeing her since I am on the depo shot.  With her coming, I got that reminder that, "Hey! You're not pregnant anymore!  Oh, and guess what?  You are on the depo shot, so no getting pregnant in the near future either!"  It was a horrible feeling.

Flat out, it sucked and it still sucks!

So, I celebrated Christmas in my own way.  I wished our Lord a Happy Birthday.  And, I told my Angels {Bo, James, Papa, and all the others} Merry Christmas, I love them, and I missed them!

And, I didn't do much else.

But, I am a little upset.  Upset because I could not go home to see my family (who I live over 3,000 miles away from).  Upset because I haven't even heard from some of my family (who I thought would call me, but they haven't - and I know it is a two-way street, so I am upset at myself too).  Upset because of the family that I did talk to, only a few of them asked me how I was doing.

But, I know everybody has their own life and their own struggles.  This is my struggle.  I cannot ask someone to bear it with me.  It is not their struggle to bear.  It is mine.  And, I will continue to deal with it.  I will continue to seek support from the online groups I have joined.  I will continue to pray for healing, comfort, and strength.  I will continue to rely on God because in life, He is the only one who will not leave your side.