Walking With You: Finding Hope & Healing

February 11, 2013 ~ Finding Hope and Healing (With or Without a Rainbow)

For this post, we will share our experiences with longing for another baby to fill our empty arms.  Some experienced a subsequent pregnancy after loss.  Some may be fearful of embarking on that journey again.  Some may not be able to have another child, whether due to infertility or other reasons.  Some may have found that having another baby, however precious a gift, was not the key to healing the grief.  Can you experience hope and healing...even if there is no rainbow after the storm?



Oh, how I want to be a mother to a child on earth.  I have always wanted to be a mom.  That was my dream as a child.  To grow up, get married, and have children.  I honestly thought that by this time in my life (at the age of 26), I would have at least one child.  But, if I am going to be really honest, I thought that I would be done having children by now.  I thought I would have my own home, with a husband, and 2.5 kids.  But, instead, I live with my fiance, in a house that he rents, and we have 1 child in Heaven and our furry child here with us.

I can't say that I am not happy because I am.  But, I am also sad.  

My thoughts about being a mother have changed since my baby died.  They actually changed a few years back (before my miscarriage) around the time that I was 23, but they have definitely changed even more now.  You see, I did not think that I could get pregnant.  For a long time, I thought that I would never have a child of my own.  Not a biological, blood, created by me & my partner, carried in my womb child.

Then, I got pregnant.  I couldn't believe it.  God had given me such a great gift, blessing, and miracle.  I was pregnant.  I was going to have a child of my own.  Guess again.  I had a miscarriage.  My child was born into Heaven.  He never experienced this earth outside of my womb.

Do I want a baby?  Yes.  Do I want to get pregnant, carry my baby full-term, give birth, and raise my own child on earth?  Yes.  Do I want this right now?  I don't know.

I am scared, anxious, nervous, and not sure if I am ready to have a baby.  If I get pregnant again, I know that I will be so scared.  Scared that the same thing will happen.  Scared that I will not be able to protect my child, again.

If we do not or cannot get pregnant again, we are open to adoption. So many children need homes, and we are more than willing to adopt a child and provide a home.  And, if worse comes to worse, I believe I will be fine with us just being together.  As much as I would love a child, I know that I can be happy with just my fiance and me.

After all is said and done, though, I know everything will happen on God's time.  I am trusting in Him to guide me and give me what I need to do His will.  He will provide hope and healing to me, no matter what, as long as I have faith and believe in Him.

Walking With You: Clinging in the Pit

January 14, 2013 ~ Clinging in the Pit

If you are not new to loss, talk a bit about early grief.  What was it like, clinging for hope in the pits of despair?  What did you cling to for hope?  How did you survive the early days?  What helped?  What do you wish you could share with someone new to this walk, clinging in the pit?  If you're in the pit, currently, share your struggles.  What can others do to encourage you?

Since my miscarriage was only 7.5 weeks ago, I would say that I am still currently in the pit.  I am still dealing with daily struggles and grief. My miscarriage happened the day before Thanksgiving, so my main struggle was getting through the holidays not being pregnant, when I should have been.  Each holiday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years, have been tough.  And, I still have several holidays to go through, where I would have been pregnant, like Valentine's day, February 18th (not a holiday, but a day I remember - the day my Papa passed away), St. Patrick's day, Easter, Mother's Day, and Father's Day.  Not to mention, my due date was supposed to be right after Father's Day, on June 23, 2013.

How do I celebrate these holidays?  I was supposed to be pregnant through them.  My baby was supposed to be safe inside of me, growing away without a care in the world.  I was supposed to deliver shortly after Mother's Day and Father's Day.  One of the greatest presents that can be given to a Mother and Father, but I won't get that present this year.

Other struggles I have gone through are seeing other women pregnant.  I knew of about 10-15 women who were pregnant when I got pregnant.  During my pregnancy and after my miscarriage, about 10 more women announced that they were pregnant.  Each time, I am excited for them, but I am also sad because my baby is not here with me anymore.  Bo is in Heaven, though, so I know he is in the best place he can be.

The thing that gets me though, about seeing pregnant women, is when they complain about "pregnancy problems."  I take it to heart when I see these complaints because I would love to be feeling what they are.  I would love to have the back pain, using the bathroom excessively, the big tummy, the kicks, the movements, the cravings, heartburn, sleepless nights, weight gain, and everything else that goes along with pregnancy because it would mean that Bo is still alive and well inside of me.  I know I can't get upset with them for posting and saying these things, but it hurts me.  It hurts because it seems like they are not fully enjoying their pregnancy and their baby, which they probably are (to the best of their abilities) because they have not experienced what I have.

While there are many more struggles I could delve into, I would rather talk about the encouragement now. What I have received from so many has been extremely helpful, comforting, supportive, and healing.  Many ladies reached out to me after my miscarriage.  Ladies that I never knew had been through similar situations.  Ladies who took the time to say, "I am sorry for your loss.  I have been through something similar.  I am here if you need to talk."  That is the most comforting.  To know that somebody is willing to listen to you and talk with you.

While talking can be very beneficial for grieving mothers (fathers, parents, etc.), it can also be very harmful.  Something I learned after my miscarriage.  Other types of encouragement that helped were online support groups, hugs (virtual hugs were sometimes better than real ones because these women knew what I was and am going through), acknowledging my baby (Bo did exist, and he still does), and accepting my grief and me for who I am.  The grief is there.  It will probably always be there.  It will get easier, but I do not believe the grief will ever go away until I am in Heaven with my Savior and my baby.  And, I will always be who I am.  Nobody can change that.