Day 3: Pregnancy Photo

Day 3:  Pregnancy Photo

June 3, 2013

I love all of my pregnancy photos, but I chose these two to share today!

My pregnancy photos are so important to me because they are the only photos I have of Bo!

They mean so much to me!

I am so happy that I decided to take so many photos of myself while I was pregnant, and if I had known then what I know now, I would have taken even more photos!

You may not be able to see it, but I can clearly remember what I was feeling when these photos were taken!

I was so happy that my baby was growing inside of me!  I was so thrilled to have this miracle to call my own!

I was and am so in love with my baby boy, Bo!

Day 2: Pregnancy Test

Day 2:  Pregnancy Test

June 2, 2013

On 9.30.12, at around 10:30 P.M., I took this pregnancy test.  It immediately showed positive.

I was in shock and awe, but I was so happy!

I was thrilled!

I had my Unexpected Miracle!

I still have my Unexpected Miracle, but now he is also my Guardian Angel!

I love & miss him, daily!

Day 1: Sunrise

June 1, 2013

Day 1:  Sunrise

I did not get to bed until after 2 A.M. this morning, so I was lucky to have briefly woken up to take this picture {then, I went back to bed}!

I am so happy that I did go take this picture, though, even though I was so tired.

This picture reminds me how lucky I am!  I am able to live another day, even though my baby boy is not!

I can live for him & me!

I can live my life to the fullest, since he did not get a chance to!

June 30 Day Photo Challenge

For the month of June, I have decided to do a 30 day photo challenge.

June 6, 2013 is Bo's EDD.  On this day, I should be welcoming my baby boy into the world, but instead I will be holding a memorial to honor & remember his life and his importance.

The whole reason for the photo challenge is to honor Bo's life.  To show the world that he is important, even if it is only to me!

If anyone would like to join me in doing this photo challenge, you are more than welcome to.  I would be honored to have you complete this with me, so that you can honor/remember your Angel too!

{If you do plan on completing this photo challenge, please let me know by posting a comment.  If you are posting on a blog,
Facebook page, Instagram, Twitter, etc., also leave the link or username, so we can all follow along with your challenge!}

Here is the photo/setup for the challenge:

1. Sunrise:  I am not much of a morning person, but I am going to do my best to get up and watch the sun rise and even capture it in a photo.  {If you are not a morning person, take a picture when you wake up!  Show us how the day looks!  Please add city/state/country to the photo when it is posted!}
2. Pregnancy Test:  This is my only proof that I was pregnant, so it is important for me to show this.  All I have is my pregnancy test and the paperwork from the doctors.  {If you don't have a pregnancy test or paperwork from the doctor, take a photo of something similar that is important!}
3. Pregnancy Photo:  You cannot tell that I am pregnant in my photos, but I remember the changes in my body.  I remember these special memories as Bo grew inside of me, and I tried to capture these moments in photos.  {Share what you are comfortable sharing.  It does not matter if anyone can tell you are pregnant in the photo!}
4. Name/Photo:  I don't have my ultrasound photos, but I love to see Bo's name, so I will be posting some photos of his name! {Again, share what you are comfortable sharing!  If you don't want to share your sonogram, post a photo of your baby's name. - If you do post a photo of your ultrasound picture, I suggest watermarking it before doing so!}
5. Letter to baby:  I am going to write Bo a letter, telling him how much he means to me.  {Write your baby/child a letter!  You don't have to share it, if you don't want to!  You can share a sentence, a paragraph, the whole letter, or none of it at all!}
6. Due Date/Angelversary:  June 6 is Bo's EDD.  On this day, I should be welcoming my baby boy into my arms and into this world, but instead I will be holding his memorial.  {Share your Angel's special dates!}
7. Sacred Space/Shrine:  Bo's has a special corner in our bedroom.  All of his beautiful items that I have to remember him are put here.  {Does your baby/child have a special place in your room/home?  Would you mind sharing it with us?}
8. Signs/Dreams:  Not easy to capture this in a photo, but I will be describing the dreams that I had that were my first indication of me being pregnant.  {Have you ever dreamed of your Angel or received a sign from them?}
9. Poem:  I love to write, so I will be writing Bo a poem.  I may also share one of my favorite poems I have found online!  {What is your favorite poem for your Angel?  Did you write it?}
10. Artwork:  I will be taking photos of the artwork I have done for Bo.  I am not very artistic, but I do love to doodle.  {Have you drawn/colored/doodled anything in memory of your Angel?}
11. Symbol:  I have a couple of special symbols that always remind me of Bo.  {Any symbols remind you of your baby/child?  Angels, stars, butterflies, teddy bears, etc.?}
12. Stuffed Animal:  When I was born, I was given a stuffed animal from my family.  I still have this stuffed animal to this day!  Bo has a couple of stuffed animals already, but he will be receiving another in honor of his EDD.  {Do you have a favorite stuffed animal for your Angel?}
13. Clouds:  So soft, fluffy, and white.  I always thought about playing on the clouds when I was younger, bouncing around and laying on them.  Now, I think about Bo doing the same!  {If you are participating, would you mind taking a picture or some pictures of the clouds where you are?}
14. Night/Moon/Stars:  When I left the hospital after my miscarriage, it was dark and cold.  It made my world feel even darker and colder.  I used to not be able to sleep at night for fear of nightmares.  Now, I try to embrace the night.  It is such a beautiful time, when you can see all the stars or the city lights.  {Do you enjoy the night?  Show us how it looks to you!}
15. Light a candle:  I will be lighting a candle in memory of Bo and all other babies/children who have left this world too soon! {Please light a candle for all babies/children who have gone too soon!  Also, say a prayer or think positive thoughts for all the families that have to go through this pain!}
16. Father:  In honor of Father's Day, I will be posting a photo of Bo's daddy.  {Honor the father of your child!  Or, because I know every situation is different, honor your father, the father-figure in your life, or the father-figure for your Angel!}
17. Family portrait {before loss}:  I will be sharing some photos of my little family before our loss & while I was pregnant.  {What did your family look like before your loss?}
18. Family portrait {after loss}:  Here, I will be sharing our new family photos.  Bo is still included in them, even though most people would not know it!  {What does your family look like now, after your loss?}
19. Supportive family/friends:  I want to share my family & friends with you who have been there with me through everything.  {Who in your family/friends has been there for you?}
20. Supportive Community:  So many groups & programs have helped me through this journey that I am on, and I want to share them, so that others can receive the support that they need.  {Where did you go for support in the community?  Was it online or in your area?}
21. Jewelry:  I have a couple of pieces of jewelry that are very important to me and remind me of Bo.  {Do you have a special piece of jewelry that you wear?}
22. Memorial Items:  This will be a photo of the collection of items I have received in memory of Bo!  {What items have you received to honor/remember your baby?}
23. Treasured items from friends:  I have a couple of items that were sent to me from friends, just because!  These are the most treasured items, and I will be sharing a photo of them!  {What have you received that you treasure the most?}
24. Memorial:  I will be posting a photo of Bo's memorial that I will be doing on his EDD.  {Have you held a celebration/memorial/funeral for your Angel?  If you don't mind, will you share your photos with us?}
25. Special Place:  I always think of Bo when I visit a couple of places.  I will share these places in photos!  {Is there somewhere special that reminds you of your Angel?}
26. Garden/Flowers:  I have not planted anything, yet, in memory of Bo, for fear of it dying, too, but I am thinking about it!  I do have a couple of trees/flowers/bushes that make me think of him, though!  {Did you plant a tree, flowers, or anything in memory of your Angel?}
27. White Signs of Grief:  I will be taking a photo with my white sign of grief, and I will be submitting it to their blog.  {Here is how to submit!}
28. Certificate of Life:  I will be posting Bo's Certificate of Life.  Another item that shows Bo's importance to not only me, but others.  {If you are participating, you can post your baby's Certificate of Life, Birth Certificate, Death Certificate, or whatever you are comfortable posting!}
29. Blog/Facebook Page/Project:  Here I will be sharing the special projects that I started and am doing in honor of Bo!  {Please share your special projects; whatever you are doing to honor and remember your baby/child, while also helping other bereaved families!}
30. Sunset:  On the last day of the month, I will post a photo of how  it looks in my part of the world when the sun goes down.  Will you show me it how looks in your part of the world, too?  {Please add city/state/country to your photo when you post it!}

Just so you know, if you want to participate, you are more than welcome to!  There are no rules and no expectations.  You do not have to share with anyone, but we would love it if you do!  Also, you do not have to participate everyday!  You can pick and choose what you want to do! <3

Better & Worse

The past couple of months have been friendly to me.  I have been feeling better.  I am learning to cope with my grief.  I am learning to live with this whole in my heart and life.

But, the days are starting to get bad again.  Fears, stress, and sadness are creeping back in.  I am sure it has something to do with the dates that are coming up in the near future.

The next two months are going to be hard.  Very hard.

Mother's day, Bo's 6 month Angelversary, Bo's due date, and Father's day are all within a month of each other.

How do I cope with all of these days?  How am I supposed to act/react when I should be pregnant during the month of May and have a newborn come the month of June?

I guess I am going to do what I have been doing since my miscarriage.  Take it one day; one step at a time.  I am going to do my best to honor and remember my baby boy during this month of special dates, as I have since he went to Heaven.

So, please bear with me during these days.  They may get hard for me, so I will need your support, prayer & love most during these days!

Journal Entry: Grief is exhausting

Grief is exhausting.  Mentally, physically, & emotionally exhausting.  

It is also painful.  Very, very, very (I could go on all day) painful.

It hurts.  And not just a little.  A lot.  A whole lot.

Like deep down in your bones.  All through your muscles.

Straight into the heart.

Where the hole is.  The big hole.  A great big hole.

So big, it feels like I shouldn't have a heart.

Actually, it feels like I shouldn't be here.

I am in that hole.

It is bigger than me.

It consumes me.

Every fiber of my being is consumed by the great big hole.

The hole that is in my heart.

The hole that was left when my baby went to Heaven.

The hole that took the space.  The space in my life where my baby should be.

Bo is & will always be in my heart & life, but not in the way that most moms have their baby.

Instead of celebrating birthdays, holidays, milestones, good grades, etc., I spend time, effort, & money to remember my baby.

To honor his life & cherish the memories I have.

And, now I live with the grief & the pain.

Everyday.

It is there.

Some days are easier than others, but some days I just want to curl up in bed, forget the outside world, & sleep for days.

I am a Mom

Many people do not know this unless they know me personally or read my blog.

You cannot tell by looking at me that I am a mother.

I have a child.

He is not here on earth with me, but he is mine.
I carried him, protected him, miss him, and love him!
I was never able to hold my baby in my arms, but it does not make me any less of a mother.

I had hopes and dreams for my child.  All of which changed on the day I found out he died.
A lot of things changed on that day!
I changed.
But, I am still a mom.

{There is a lot that goes to this conversation, but this is the part that matters!}
During a conversation, it was said to me that I was not a mother.  I looked at the person that said this and screamed, "I am a mother!  My baby died!"

Just because my child is in Heaven does not make me less of a mother.  I do things to honor and remember my son, instead of taking care of him.

On this earth, I will never get to see, touch, hold his hand, hug, or kiss my son.  I don't get to feed him, change him, bathe him, rock him, or put him to sleep.  I won't get to see his first steps, kiss his boo-boos, help him ride his bike, or play with him.

I do not get to share so many special moments with my son.  But, I do get to see him again!  We will meet in Heaven, one day!

Until that day, I get to honor and remember him.  I will talk about him.  I will always miss and love him!  I will do things for and in his memory!

So, no matter what anybody says:
I AM A MOM!

Walking With You: Mirror, Mirror ~ The Comparison Trap

February 4, 2013 ~ Mirror, Mirror ~ The Comparison Trap

Mothers often fall into the trap of comparing ourselves to one another.  This is a trap many women fall into.  We compare our families, mothering styles, fashion sense, careers or lack thereof, bodies, etc.  Even mothers with babies in heaven compare the way we grieve our children.  I know...sad...but we do it, if we're honest enough to admit it.  So, how can we find freedom from this?  Sharing is a start...telling the truth...admitting the struggle.  I think, then, we will see that we all love our children, regardless of how we choose to remember and honor their lives...whether publicly or quietly...with big parties or simple moments of remembrance.  Be real on this week's post, and let's free ourselves from the trap of comparing!


No comparing...but, isn't that part of human nature.  I know I have done it more times than I can count.  I have definitely compared my pregnancy, miscarriage, and grief to others.  Not that I really wanted to, but it happens.

Grieving - I know how to do this, but I have falling into the comparison trap.  I have read and saw the way others grieve and wondered if I grieved hard or long enough.

I have seen more loss in my life than I wanted to.  My brother passed away when I was 9.  My papa passed away when I was 17.  My baby passed away shortly after I turned 26.  I have also had several friends, cousins, uncles, and my great-grandparents pass away during those 17 years.  Death.  It happens.  We cannot have life without it.  But grieving.  Grieving is another story.

There is no book that describes how we should grieve.  Is it supposed to be different for each individual person?  Are we supposed to grieve differently for each person we love that has passed away?  How long are we supposed to grieve?  If we don't grieve the person who passed away, does it mean we love them any less than the others?  There are no specific answers to these questions, that I have found.  But, each individual person has to answer these questions for themselves.

My grief is not your grief.  We will grieve differently.  No matter how you grieve, it is not wrong.  It does not mean that you did not love the person.  I have learned through my personal situations that I grieve each individual person that passes differently.

My brother was the first person I knew to pass away.  I was only 9 years old.  I still grieve for him to this day, but I know he is in a better place.  He had several disabilities/disorders, which kept him from living a happy, healthy life on earth.  When he passed at only 13 years old, I accepted that God took him to end his suffering.  I knew he went to Heaven.  I know he is up there running around, playing, laughing, talking, etc.  All things he could not do on earth.

When my papa passed, I accepted that his life had come to an end.  Again, I still grieve for him, but I know that he lived a full, happy life on earth, and now he is living his eternal life in Heaven.  It was the natural order of things.  To live a full life on earth, than go to Heaven to spend eternity.

When my baby passed, I could not accept it at first.  It is still hard to this day to accept that I will not get to see his beautiful face on earth.  There are no answers to the questions that I have.  There was no reason given for why he passed.  He was just starting his life within me.  How could he be gone so soon?  I still want to curl up in a ball in bed and cry.  I still want to know why.  I still have questions.  I know that Bo is in Heaven, but I don't know why he couldn't spend more time on earth with me.

For each person, I grieved.  I loved them all.  But, I have grieved the hardest for my child.  I love him.  I miss him.  And, I have unanswered questions, which makes it even more difficult to accept that he is gone.

Honoring & Remembering - I have definitely done this throughout my life as well.  I think this is mainly where the comparing comes in.  I see how other moms remember their children, and it makes me wonder if I am doing enough.  Am I really showing people how much I love and miss my child through what I am doing?  {As I sit here and type this and read over it, I can't help but think now that I really don't care.  I know how much I love my child.  I know how much I miss him.  What I am doing is helping me heal and remember, so that is all that matters!}

Every month, and on holidays, I have done something for my baby boy, Bo.  I have a candle that I light for him on his angelversaries {month 1 and month 2}.  My fiance and I bought him a stocking and ornament for our Christmas tree.  I made him another ornament/tree topper for the tree.  This blog was made especially for him.  Originally it was a way for me to share with my family {since they all live on the East Coast, and I live on the West Coast} my progress through my pregnancy.  Now it is my way to remember Bo.  Writing helps me.  I am healing through my writing.

I also love to take pictures.  I have started taking pictures for other bereaved families.  This also helps me to heal.  I am honoring Bo by helping other families to remember their children.  I am trying to put together a list of resources for grieving families and for individuals who have suffered losses through miscarriage.

I am doing what I can with what I have.  That is the best that I can do!  That is all I need to do.

I remember my baby.  I will not forget him.  I love him with all of my heart, soul, and being.  He is and always will be my first child.  We were not able to spend much time together on earth, but I know I will see him again one day in Heaven.

Until then, I am going to continue to honor and remember him.